Part III

In reality, I am only making the POF blog so that it gives me the boost to delete such rubbish...but before I do...I need to share the best of the bests.

Hello :) For the first part, Your profile is completely amazing! It is great how straight forward you are. Not for nothing, but im from new jersey and I was able to know you were a Jersey girl from the start. Well anyway's if you are intrested in chatting with me send me a message. Have a good day!---------no.

Hey how's it going, I was swimming by and your profile caught my eye, hope u don't mind me stopping to say hi If you wanna chat, swim by and say hi =] -------------does this work!??!?!...just drown dude. Grrr your so damn gorgeous ! --------*YOU'RE*...and did you growl? never okay. Their- used prior to a noun example their opinion there- "You own your own from there." " We had just arrived there." This is a tough one, and I understand why a lot of people have problems with it. Heck most people didn't attention in English from 9th to 12th grade. They're- contraction of they are. Some people find not using the contraction makes them seem smarter. I just think they're trying to hard. (See what I did there? :D) -----------this is bc my profile says I need the humans that write to me to know which fucking there, their, or they're they're using.    Hi there, I just made it all the way through your profile and have to say I nearly snorted water out of my nose when you described the last photo you received! Anyways, not sure if I am your type but take a look. I'm easy going, open minded, I do know what chucks are but don't currently own any. I'll straight up admit I have no fashion sense and tend to wear nothing fancy.... But I this works out you can fix that;) Hope to hear back from you, either way though you may want to reconsider telling people not to post pictures of herpes infected lips..... I mean isn't it much easier to rule them out if they post pictures for easy reference:) Have a great evening gorgeous, Brian -----------my profile says i love men who wear chucks and if u dont know what they are then you are probably an ass clown...it also says not to post pics of your mouth close up when you have a cold sore, bc you are fucking disgusting....sigh    I would swim up the Amazon with 45 pound dumbbells tied to my scrotum and Ellen Degeneres’ queef as my air supply if it meant I could eat a sea food dinner with you over skype on a dial up internet connection. But for real I just wanted to say I really like your hair.-------------------BAHAHHAHA yup   Hahaha!!! I was laughing the whole time I was reading you brutally honest description of guys who think they are gods gift to women... cant stand those type of people.. Women too!!! I can tell you're just like me in personality... I am a free spirit too!!! And when you said " Please know the difference between there, their, and they're"... I knew that's when we would get along, 'cause I hate when people can't even judge the difference between to, too, and two! But seriously, I do believe we have a lot in common. And just so you know... I LOVE YOUR SMILE!!!!-----------if only he knew i have a stigma against men who EXCLAIM too much...hmph  R u kidding me? Excuse me ,but you take my breaths away! --------------oh for realz? ya breaths? idiot. sounds like you get all walks of life flowing through your emails, so i know im probably not going to be different from the others, i'll still give it my best try and hopefully you'll write back, btw my pic in profile is kinda old and even though i look like that, im still different now in lots of ways. i work 40 hours a week go to school fulltime, or at least full time for me, im earning my dual bachelors in aerospace/mechanical engineering, i work out as much as humanly possible...i'll explain the workout later, i love to read ficiton as well as non fiction, i drive really fast, im very charming, handsom, im not saying im funny, but i love love love to laugh, i play xbox, and some other computer games, but most of the time im sudying, working, working out, hanging out with friends and trying to save up for my sky diving certifaction. btw im horrible speller,i try to use the best grammar, cause not good grammar lol is unattractive. i trully love conversation, about anything really. and besides all that just trying my best to thrive an not survive through life. i just got out of a 2 year relationship about a couple months ago, thats why im working out all the time, for time not nessicarily lost just spent somewhere else. im writing you because you seem very refreshing, as in you are beautiful, i wont skip around that obvious fact, an that what you have wrote although extreamly blunt, and i like that, what you have wrote is in essence you, not saying you are as simple as what you have put down, but just the "need to know" stuff and i really do like it. anyways my profile dosent say much about me to say the least lol but what i have wrote here will pretty much sum it up, thats why its so much. in light of everything, im looking for something that could blossom into special.......i think i'll copy and paste some of this into my profile lol..................................................................a middle eastern justin bieber...fml

Part II

HELLO THERE GORGEOUS..HOW ARE YOU ON THIS FINE DAY?? HOPE UR DOING WELL...MAY I JUST SAY THAT U ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU..IF U ALLOW ME TO. SO U HAVE A PHENOMENAL DAY AND I LOOK FOWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU! TTY SOON* :)-----------------------I was fine until some douchebag emailed me in all caps...


 i cant believe guys say mean things i love your look its freaking amaaazing and your italian from jersey just like me ...you already know f#ck what anyone says keep doing you!!!-------------------------yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh buddy.


Hey my name is Russ how are you doing today?
so question how many tats do you have?-------------why? so you can filet them off of my body when you kill me? Nat uh.


So i managed to read your entire novel. All i can say is wow...you must be having a hard time finding someone who is a legitamate soul on this site due to the six side notes. Being a leo myself i completely feel and understand where your coming from. im sure you get it all the time, but i'm not like all the rest of the guys that come through your inbox. I really am here to meet someone that is TRUE as well. So figure...What do i have to loose by trying to talk too someone that may be on my level as far as realism and what they truly want? I really like the fact that you are as blunt as you are. I'm sure alot of people think you are absolutly crazy for saying all that you did, but i honestly think its quite attractive. i started reading and instantly became more interested with the more that i read about you. Even though in your novel you come off as somewhat of a tough one, i'm more than willing to bet that you are a super sweet, genuine, caring soul. im really intrested in talking with ya some. so check me out and lemme know what you think. hope to hear back from ya :) -----------this one wasn't terrible...mainly bc he caught on that im radical...however...not my type...but ladies. if this dude sounds nice to you i can play wing girl :)


 i swear there anit nothing more sexy then a woman who is soo gorgeous with such beautiful ink on her skin ..... you look amazing ------THERE ANIT NOTHING MORE SEXYYY ...SHOOOO EEEEE


 Im surely not your type as I do not meet many of your criteria, but that is not the
purpose of this message. I would like to congratulate you on a fantastic profile full of
fantastic facts and brutal attacks on the douchery that exists. You're humor precedes
you, and I read through completely just to make my day that much brighter.
I have no interest in trying to swoon you with catchy pictures, and how awesome I am
and blah blah blah, just felt it was necessary to point out that I don't think you should
stop what you are doing. Stay true to yourself, which you are, and don't fret, the good
guys are out there.
And for the record, being called a sexy b, isn't that bad, right? Or does that not stand
for brunette? haha. I wish you the best of luck and would enjoy the occasional
rebuttle/conversation. And like I said before, this is not my sinister way of hitting on
you, I know when I'm outmatched, besides it never hurts to make a great friend.
Phil-------------------------....jesus christmas


Layers
To give myself I show my trust
Protect my fragile heart I must
Layers are my guarding shield
For when I’m broke and forced to heal
Outermost is filled with ink
The memories in which I sink
Full of color, blacks and grays
Permanent and here to stay
Skin is rugged, tough and torn
From all the trials life has thrown
Peel one back to find anew
A part of me I’ve kept from you
Underneath is tissue filled
To wipe the tears that have been spilled
Intertwined, the muscle lies
The strongest part, when both combined
Countless hours, training hard
Defensive layers, standing guard
All together, running through
A blood supply that flowed for you
Opened up to let you in
Devastated, scarred within
Stitch me up and cut the cord
Start the healing, love restored.---------------a poem...yes...poetry....this was entitled "since you are a writer"....did he think id publish this?

Oh Plenty of Fish...Part I

Just figured I'd give you all a giggle with some of my REAL and copy/pasted emails from this dating site.

My profile is very blunt, sarcastic, and to the point...and this, is the result.

u r so sexy love it tats are nice -------------fail


im Dan . i like your profile and your pics..hows the site worken for ya...? -----------spelling? fail.


  You and me, drinks Friday night, as I am busy until then! ---------I guess i missed the part where I ever said Hello back...


  Hi,
Let me say first and foremost that you have one of the more interesting profiles I've read in a long long time. I must say you're really attracting winners on this thing huh? Well let me get to it I'm Mike and I'm 27 and live in the Waterford Lakes area. I'm in grad school at UCF and well what can I say these little sorority UCF girls ehhh not really my thing so I figured I'd check this out and haven't done much better on here. You want a big guy well you got it. I'm 6'3" 250lbs big football player type (well ex football player to be exact). You're tattoos are super sexy and well so are you. Kind of hard to make out what they are in the pix exactly but they look great. I'm almost done with my 3/4 sleeve it's been a process but I love it. I really like how you referred to people putting their own story on their bodies. It's refreshing to see another person who doesn't just get tattoos because they're cool or what other people think of them. All my tattoos mean something to mean and that's how it should be. Well to keep this as short as possible let me end here by saying you sound like an awesome girl and I'd love to get to know more about you. If you're interested let me know. I hope to hear from you soon hun.
---------I highlighted my fave parts....like the fact that he looks like one of the goombas from Mario Bros...or the fact that this is NOT short....fak


Let me proceed...


Wow, I can't believe you had to add five amendments! Sorry your faith in men had to be shaken so viciously. Do you encounter men like that in person? I'd like to believe the detachment from social manners is due mainly from interaction over the internet. On a side note, I'm curious as to what sparked your interest in getting tattoos? I've always been interested in them but only recently found something I could see bound to my body for life. Don't give up on the less fair sex yet! Beauty attracts bees before butterflies.-----------a big black man, and ya know what. ill probably make that last quote a fbook status or something...and in reference to me giving up...its bc on my profile it now says I am a lesbian...totally fine.

Your an very interesting character, all-in-one and one-in-all. Hahh. Surprisingly amazing. ^_^ --------and YOU'RE not a very good speller...ugh    I don't mean to startle you or anything..cause I'm fully aware that we are complete  strangers..but in all honesty, I must say that you are a very beautiful woman with a smile that  would brighten up a strangers (just like me lol) day with no problem..with that saying..If you  don't know by now, I find you very attractive..but that's only physically..because I don't know  you..but in order for me to get to know you..it would take actual interest from the  counterpart..which is you..what you say?----------------well, I am startled. next. Hey I must admit you have one of the most hilarious profiles I've read on POF. I was going to put my bid in but then I read side  note V, which basically threw out any chance I had to holler....HaHa. Just wanted to let you know I love your free will and sense  of humor, take care. --------------sincerely, the man who has "deuces" up in every fucking picture...god. I'm gonna try again because I think you seem really awesome. Anyhow I think we should talk sometime... I don't think you will be disappointed..If you are shame on me lol. I'm not necessarily talking about dating either, friends are cool too. We shall see.---------------we shall not. *You might be saying. wow nik. ease up...they might be genuine guys....trust me...im only posting the emails of the men who look like child predators and/or the one's with profiles that look as if a dyslexic 4 year old typed 'em.   MY name is craig im.22 from daytona and ibseen u on here and seen we had alot in common and was curious if u wanted to talk a lil more well if ur intrested write me bck p.s. I love ur tattooooss -----------------aw snap! HE SEEN ME!...dipshit Did u do anything amazing this weekend ---------------yeah, I met a real life human.  Hey, Hows it goen?---------------------------------------------------------------------....yup    Your profile is the best i've ever read. Just saying your personality is stellar! Of course with it being so in depth it makes it harder than usual to send the initial message. Online dating already is something I dont like very much, but figured in a new area why not try and meet people. So im going to just give it a go and say hello anyways. I'll let you read my profile and if you wish message me back and we can possibly take conversation from there. Yes i do apply to a few of your side notes but I liked what i read anyways. -----------predator  whats up nj nikki im chris i just moved toflorida fromboston a few weeks ago, im wicked sarcastic and outgoing, hit me up when u come on-----------------------a. FUCK the word wicked. b. FUCK the redsox. ever hear of a space bar? no? okay cool.

My thoughts on the gym.

I have found since recovering from my accident that the gym is not only insane positive for your physical well being, but your mental as well.

For instance...a few reasons why until Mr. Right gets a grip, LA Fitness is better than a man.

The gym won't:
Mistreat you
cheat on you
give you herpes
make it "clap"
work you out less than thirty seconds
call you fat
or, have a secret cyber relaysh behind ya back.

Therefore, as long as you have the sun, a gym, and bathtub. Ladies, ya really have no business settling for less than the best. <3

Protecting Your Heart...or Testing Someone Else's?

When you are burned by individuals in your life, much too frequently...a wall begins to go up. With each flawed relationship the wall gets a little higher...a little tougher. This makes you a little more cautious...a little less trusting. This makes it hard for those with ill intentions to break your heart...BUT, the biggest downfall to the "wall"...is that when someone with a good heart, great intentions, and a look in their eye for you that you KNOW is different than past pursuers...you make it even harder for them to get through to you.

At what point in our minds and our hearts do we let go of the damage our past has caused us, to take a risk on someone different. At what point do you trust that someone isn't out to hurt you, but out to try to give you everything you never knew you really needed.

Do you end things immediately, before a negative outcome could even be a possibility?
Do you string things along, never settling down, even if its good, because you think if it is too good it will be gone?
Do you actually push away, while in the process of slowly opening up to someone?
Do you spend so much time selfishly protecting your heart, that you fail to realize you are breaking someone else's?

The cycle of the past is a vicious one.
We all look to the future and claim our past will stay just there...in the past...yet how often do we make comparisons, snap judgments, assumptions, and mistakes...due to our past experiences...all while knowing we want the same outcome, to fall in love, meaningful, lasting love.

Behind every player, there is a girl that broke his heart, or treated him like garbage.
Behind every "independent" girl, there is a man who convinced her she would never be good enough, and now she only believes she is at her best alone.
Behind every smut, there is a man who destroyed her self-esteem.
Behind every angry man, there is a woman who stole his sensitivity.

When you are the person who is surrounded by the wall...you attract those who won't want you long term, who don't want to get to know the real you, who just want to have fun. These are the individuals who have probably been through their own fair share of shit, and will most likely put you through the hell they've been through without even realizing. At this point your wall makes you numb, and it doesn't even hurt that bad to be in and out of someone's life so quick like that. Because you will not let yourself care...even though...you want someone to care about, and to care about you the way they should. That big ol' wall of yours attracts those who want to chase you for shits and giggles...not for a fairytale ending...and through this...we miss out on those who really do want to be in our lives. We let good people go, who want nothing more than to earn your trust, your affection, your attention, and someday your love.

I was someone with a wall. Almost 9 years of the worst men you can imagine, all mixed in with some of the most amazing guys I have ever met in my entire life. They'd come inconveniently enough when I was shattered...when my wall was the highest...and not only would I let them go, or push them away, I hurt them. Because I'd rather spend my time with those who would never truly love me...meaning they could never really break my heart.

Having no emotions towards any potential relationships is the loneliest life I ever saw for myself...and moving to FL, and filtering all the negative in my life, dropped my guard a little bit. I still meet shitty men, with shitty personalities...but I am now allowing myself to be open to letting the good guys, well, be good. I've moved mountains for the men in my life. I have always been the best girlfriend I could be, and the best friend. I know I deserve that absolute best and that I will make a man so happy, and they will know how lucky they are.

But, what happens when that person is the epitome of "the wall"...
What happens when your guard drops for someone who makes you want to put it right back up because they are so busy "protecting" themselves that they are actually breaking you down day to day?
How long do you wait for someone to trust you, while they aren't earning any trust themselves?
How long do you sit around lonely waiting for them to want to spend time with you, or show you that you are important to them too?
How long do you wait before you realize...that guard is up for good, and they just don't feel the same about you?
When do you decipher the difference between commitment issues and plain ol' mind fucking?

When do you stop feeling like a dumbass hopeless romantic waiting for the green light...and move on to those who will not only appreciate you, but move mountains for you as well.

How many people do you let walk out of your life because you pushed them in that direction...before you let the right one in?

Because I know if I am pushed far enough...I am not coming back.

Bar-back the fuck up.

Douchebag move #2,986

Last night @ the ale house I was at the bar getting a water. The barback walks up asking if I needed a bartender, naturally, I smiled and said "yeah, thank you."

He stares for a hot minute, smiling, while I stare down at my phone hoping the elderly man breathing blue moon in the general direction of my mouth wont talk to me.

Barboy brings over the bartender and goes, "this is my beautiful cousin, take care of her."

Clearly, I let her know this wasn't the truth, he makes a few cute comments, and I walk back to the rest of the group. I go back a little while later, again, barboy, "cousins doesn't really work, we should just get married."...

I laugh, ward off gramps to my left who know is telling me he loves my long nails...and walk away. I catch him tell a co-worker that i'm beautiful, and stares me down.

At this point in the night I was hating men bc a certain realization surfaced...and I just kinda wanted to a) go home and down a bottle of wine and lay naked in my bed. b) go work out or c) punch the closest guy in the throat and say thank you.

I went back to the bar for the final time, and barboy walks up, chatting me up, being really sweet. He tells pop pop next to me he should buy me a drink bc its my bachelorette party...everyone goes really?! He says she's marrying me, and smiled...

That's when the bartender walked up and says....wait for it...waitt for ittttt.


































"Yeah you're fucking girlfriend would love that."..............















































homey turned fire engine fucking red, put his head down and couldn't look at me the rest of the night.
Man, I'd totally love if my bf told women he wanted to marry them all night. SO dreamy <3

One Night Snug.

Are these acceptable in this day and age?

I don't want a boyfriend, because clearly, a good man is hard to find.

I don't want to sleep around, because clearly, aids is easy to find.

I just want to snug.

Dammit.

I'm Back Biatchhhhh.

So, it is safe to say I was in quite the slump for a week or two.

I guess rockin a walker for almost 3 weeks, and having no choice but to realize you are lonely, and now losing muscle tone in your prized possession booty, is inevitably going to do some wear and tear on your emotions.

I was beginning to doubt myself, and that is just NOT okay.

I met a douche clown to say the least who threw serious game at me in the end of my recovery...riiiight around Valentine's day...I took the bait I assume because subconsciously I guess I didn't want to be like 99% of the singles on Vday and post a status about how I am lonely or celebrating "Single's Appreciation Day"...We do realize that spells fucking SAD, correct?

Needless to say, I must have been in a definite slump because I let some of the qualities I like and look for in the opposite sex, fly out the window.

Call me dumb, call me shallow, hell, call me whatever you want...But there are specifics that I can see in the person I am going to spend a large portion of my time with. And this human didn't have em.

If you ask my sisters, what are the main things Nik looks for in a man?
They will both tell you I am a sucker for tattoos. Not because I think tattoos are gnarly, I mean I do...but I think its rad when someone cares about something enough that they will put it on them for the rest of their life...for no one else, but themselves. That a man that is hardworking is the sexiest thing in the world to me. If you can play a guitar, you can pretty much put a fork in me, bc I'm done. I think I am more attracted to nice teeth, than abs I can wash clothing on. I think someone you can be fun and goofy and comfortable and open and honest with, is the most important thing. That passion for something in life makes me weak in the knees, whatever it may be (hopefully not serial killing and/or collecting toe nails.) And...hands. Ugh. I judge hands on a level only a weirdo would. If you don't have manly hands, I don't want you to hold mine. I'm sorry. Do I want last nights dinner under your nails? No. Do I want your pinky nail longer than my guido mami nail, lookin like Rick James and shit? No. Just manly hands. That look strong. Not lil Jimmy Dean links that I can see on a fat bitch at Kmart. Ugh. It skeeves me.

Anywho. Needless to say, this individual was a shadeball. Which I guess works out bc when we went out I was thinking (true story)...Wow, he would probably have a stroke if I got my makeup on one of his cool white t-shirts...hm...thats not gonna fly...wow, his chin resembles john travoltas butt chin...and well that just isn't okay...Wow...I HATE his hands..."I'll have another apple sake...thanks"...wow, he really likes himself...wow, he would probably never take me to a show or take a punch to the teeth in the pit, his mediocre teeth. Wow, he has no tattoos and isn't musically inclined...Nik...what the FUCK are you doing?

My mind was on other things, and eventually this mild spark of a flame was blown out quicker than Pauly D's hair.


I cook, I clean, I can SPELL, CORRECTLY, I am nice to strangers and want to make friends everywhere I go..I'm a smart business woman with a killer job that makes me happy, I love music, I sing, I dance, I write, I like shows and going on random adventures...Making other people happy and feel beautiful or good about themselves is my favorite thing in the world. I dig animals, and getting tattooed. I work out, I give good back tickles, I have straight AND white teeth..

Granted, I have major flaws. Like, I take pictures of insane people discretely (never slow or obese though, that is just wrong). I am not fun to play photo hunt with bc I have ocd, and I will be quicker than you. I like my alarms to end in 6 (i.e. 5:26 am, 6:16, 8:36) yeah...awkward. I snort when I laugh hard. I sleep with whitening gum in my mouth to keep from grinding my teeth, and well bc...I whiten while I sleep...I have long nails and I just don't think I will cut them for anyone...Maybe an iphone...but that's it. I don't sneeze in public. I don't know how to whistle..i look like I am hyperventilating when I try. I can't crack my knuckles and I want to...I cry during almost every movie. I watch Jersey Shore religiously even though I find the cast repulsive. Spiders make me cry, but I am working on it. I am a terrible driver, seriously...And I have a problem where I need to know definitions of words. I'll change my shirt about 20 times if I think I have back boobies (you know, when chicks have pudge that hangs over their bra, its gross, and I won't be one of em). And, unless my back is tickled, I take forever to fall asleep.

NOW. To me...these might be slight downfalls...but...I mean...I have pictures of wonderful humans, I always place top score on photo hunt (with the exception of HEDO KIDS #1 @ doyles in tuckerton which team hedo kids killers tried for 3 weeks to beat...im still not over it...)...My alarms, well, that's just kind of bonkers. I have uber white teeth, never have bad breath, not even morning breath really. My nails feel nice, you're welcome. I will never snot on you. The whistle thing, yeah, that'll probably end bad for me if there is ever an emergency...but, moving on. I won't have boney arthritic hands when I am older. There's nothing good about Jersey Shore. Spiders, Idk...Im getting pretty ballsy these days and takin em out a little quicker...but then I feel bad and get scared their fam is gonna plan a witch hunt and track me down and put me into cardiac arrest :/ The driving thing, I hope to find a man that likes driving. And if I can meet someone who likes words and correcting people's grammar as much as I do, I'll be set. That if I date a man who loves to snug, I'm golden. And no back fat. Come on. THAT's a catch....pfft.

I am okay with being single. I am. Because I know when I find someone who possesses what I am looking for, AND can handle that I am an odd bird, but still kinda cute...then it will be worth it.

I'm not beat for having a new re-laysh status on fbook every two weeks with goobers in Volusia County bc I am weeding through boyfriends looking for Mr. Right. And I am also not searching for Mr. Tonight.

Besides, I am pretty sure the relationship I have now with LA Fitness is better and more gratifying than any previous courtship I've had. The gym makes me feel good, makes me look good. It gives me confidence, and strength. I can clear my head, and leave feeling like a million dollllas. I am good to the gym, yet it doesn't shit on me. Who'd a thunk it!? :)

Seeing as it has been so long, and I have gotten a few emails asking where my blogsss at....this one can be a little longer today...with my fave topic of the week, which my gf Nat actually touched on her status today...
Here's a shout out booboo

Status: "FUCK! I wish I had a good looking, smart, money oriented, nice, awesome dude for a boyfriend, so I could make him look like an asshole in front of his friends, and treat him like a jerkoff... is that what im doing wrong?" --Natalie


I say this all the time. It makes me fucking crazy when I see fine lookin dudes out, being super nice, and their gfs are these mousy broads with no fashion sense whatsoever...and I hear them just make fun of the guy. These chicks do it right in public, in front of friends, and family, I can't even imagine the shit that is said behind closed doors. Yes, men DEF treat chicks like dirt too sometimes. I know, most of my exes idears of manners were trying not to finish in 30 secs. (Ouch, sorry :) ) However, being a single girl who would love a legit good guy in my life, and would be good to him, it irks my nerves.

I want to judo chop girls in the throat when I hear them tell a man to "shut up"...and not in a fun loving hehe shut upp, kinda way. When I hear girls tell a guy they are stupid...It makes me cringe. Fact of the matter is, you should be with someone who respects you, who loves the quirky things about you, and your jokes and how you dress...Not someone who is going to put you down.

So, all in all. That was my rant.
Re-cap...
I am addicted to the gym.
I am lonely, but nevertheless, okay with it...Because why look for something when it'll just simply come when the time is right.
Good looking dudes need to dump manipulative smuts.
Crazy people photograph well.
And, I am happy. :)

The.End.

















P.S. I <3 TANK :) Miss you girls.

The Things That Make Me Say AUGHHHH. (na na, na na)

Dirty sneakers with nice jeans....Dirty sneakers, period.

Why is it that such attractive men with such nice bodies look on point from ankle up...and then I see the dirty sneakers. God. And a lot of cops make this mistake I've noticed. It's ugly, and all I think about whilst TRYING to oogle you, is, "Ugh, you fucking clown, you blew it...and your feet probably stink."

*I LOVE men with good taste in shoes. I am a sucker for shoes with edge. And by edge I don't mean Ostrich skin cowboys boots. 

Tattoos on men that have no muscle tone. I think skinny dudes look great with sleeves, don't get me wrong. I am talking about homeboy who hasn't seen the gym in a hot minute and has a chevy symbol tat right on their upper arm, just jigglin' away. I'm sorry. It peeves me. Call me shallow. Whatever.

When men have no idear what they want in life, and look at me like I have ten heads when they ask my plans. Well, I want to manage my own MAC counter, I want to have a steady freelance business, I want people to know my work, I want people to read my blog, and eventually buy my book that I WILL publish. Fuck, and lately. I kinda would like to fall in love, and be in a nice relationship...With someone that has a head on their shoulders.(but, this idear has, um, complications as of right now...bc I am clearly a glutton for punishment)...If you don't know where you are going in life, that is fine...But I am on a different level...which causes me to be unattracted to you. Lo Siento Papi.

Men being presumptuous when it comes to sex. 

I am brutally honest.

Sex is fun.

Do I want to have fun with everything that walks? No thank you. 

If I am dating someone, and there is a connection there, sex is a must. 

If I don't fucking know you more than a few days and you text me asking if we are going to have sex...You are OUT your damn mind fool. First of all, you don't plan sex, unless the worlds gonna end and ya wanna make sure since we are going to die together you can get extra freaky deak, and you ask...There shouldn't be a blue print of what we are going to do to each other ya fucking weirdo. You don't assume that I think you're fine enough to smush second of all, I am picky. 

True story...Dude in the 609. Never met me, began emailing me, while I am in FL. At first I was friendly, he was a military dude. Nice conversation. We knew some of the same people...totally fine. Then he asked if i'd go out with him when I visited. I mean, what could sushi hurt. Then he sent me a huge edible arrangements of fruit to FL bc I said I was on a diet.......okay...very sweet. But, the night before I flew to nj...not only did he tell me I WOULD be his girlfriend...he asked me the best question I've ever heard.

"Whats your favorite type of condoms babe!? I'm at the store now"

................................................

My first response because I'm a bitch. "The kind that don't get me pregnant?"

Followed by..."Uhhhhh, not necessary."

Needless to say...I was cussed out five mins after meeting this human because I cancelled all plans and said I wasn't feeling it...and was left with a rose and a stuffed monkey and the fact that he had a huge date in atlantic city planned, with a hotel room and dinner reservations....and probably an engagement ring (direct quote from ashley)...I gave the rose to ash...gave the monkey to my nephew (a boxer/pit mix)...and had to recharge my phone bc the messages telling me he thought I was special and I blew it, drained my battery...

I am pretty sure I snugged myself that night...and while feeling lonely I thought...I will never settle for less than what I am looking for. Bc I deserve to be as happy as I know I can make someone.

This isn't the first time this has happened.

Maybe bc I am real and honest. 

Because I like to make people happy in my life.

Because I don't choose to fit in to any type of stereotype...

Yet, the few men I fall for, wouldn't even begin to understand how great I would treat them...and that is simply annoying. 

I also don't like halitosis. 

One round of sex before bed. Go for round 2, dude. 

Arrogance where it is clearly not necessary.

The word "cock"...like. Fuck, stop. 

The mentioning of dates you've taken your ex girlfriend on, and how awesome they were before she cheated on you. Spare me. I could tell you the awesome dates I took MY guys on because they were usually broke, and tell you how they could pound a bottle of jager, punch a wall, yell at me, and ask me for a blow job. Yeahhh. Let's have story time about exes!! :) I love it....you fucking noob.

That's all for now.

Brutal.

To all of my exes that shit on me.

To the dudes that threw on the charm, just to get laid.

To every fuck that called me fat or ugly.

To every clown who wanted me after I chose to walk away.

To every mind fuck who got his rocks off by playing games.

To every poor ass hat I gave my heart to, and did wonderful things for.

Thank you :)

Because of you I have a backbone now.
Because of you I see through "can I get my dick wet" charm, and can actually spot nice men now.
Because of you I'll never get obese, nor will I ever look sub par.
Because of you I know the difference between a man actually caring about me, but not ready to commit, and a man who thrives off of attention, and keeps himself in my life just to feel wanted at his convenience.
Because of you, I can mind fuck you 10x harder, baby.
Because of you, I only do nice things for those who treat me just as good.

I need no sympathy for the years of wretched nuisances in my life called "past relationships"...
For the fate of most them will be as follows:
Poor relationships.
Cheating on their gfs, or being cheated on.
Drugs.
Alcoholism.
Habitual lying in their everyday life.
Waking up an old lonely man.
Get fat.
Get ugly.
Get herpes.
Jail.
No education.
Dead end job.
Living at home past 25, for NO good reason other than laziness.
Ugly spouse who treats you like shit, but you are too god damn insecure to find someone better for you.

So, I guess being broken and crapped on for 8 years has a positive ending.
Because in the end...I might be lonely for the time being...but some dude will get lucky when I finally find what I am looking for.

I mean honestly. I cook AND clean?
I can read AND write?
I am smart AND talented?
I have all my teeth AND no cavities?!

Fact.

Wikipedia says sexual intercourse promotes bonding.

Just saying.

Like it or leave it, don't leave it and like it.

When you tell a girl its over, you need to be content with the consequence of that.
Same with men.

People need to stop giving up those who are good to them, and for them, and not realizing it til they are gone.

Don't tell me how I am amazing, and beautiful. Don't tell me that I am like no one else you've ever met...I know I am not. If I am dating someone, I KNOW I am good to him. I know that I can make someone feel so positive and good about themselves, and feel loved and appreciated. I pay attention to detail, I like supporting my guy, and doing nice things for him. Everyday should be something to look forward to.

I have a brain in my head, good head on my shoulders, a life with a career, passion, direction, and talent. I know I am beautiful, and nauseatingly loving and caring for others. I know that I can get down and dirty and still be cute. I know that I can be sexy, but still be your best friend. I cook like a champ. Snug like a pro. Am an epic wing girl for the buds. Dance, sing, laugh the wildest. I am rare.

Everyone knows the ol' "Ya want what ya can't have" line...and it's true.

I'm at a point in my life, where if I found a wonderful guy, I'd be ready for commitment. I'd be ready for someone to treat me good, like I deserve. Someone who can appreciate me and not mind-fuck me to keep me around at his convenience.

Hospital Story # 1

I remember opening my eyes, filled with tears. Unable to move. Pain excruciating. I had just been catheterized, which makes you want to slit your wrists in its own...having a tube shoved in your bleep so that you no longer need to exert effort to urinate...sexy right...I was lifted from table to table for xrays while my hip was out of it's socket, pelvis fractured...blood covering my face and arms...I still had nightmares of the blood and my screams.

My pants had been cut off of me...and please, I don't typically wear draws so they were a no go too...my blood shirt soaked (my favorite black sweater, stretched ever so perfectly to hang off my shoulder) was cut off and discarded...

My head had been split in two spots...receiving stitches...what an awful night...

And now here I am. Unable to move...Awaiting the anesthesia so they could pop my hip back into place while I was under...

I looked up into the most handsome doctor's eyes...as tears began rolling down my cheeks...
He smiled at me...took my hand...and I will never forget what he said to me.
"Nicole, we are gonna do a rectal exam now."

Suddenly the mind numbing pain coursing through my body vaporized for a moment as I said, with the smallest mousy voice...."FROM YOU!? What, my butt? No. No. Why? No. Please."

"If you'd feel more comfortable we can have our female nurse do it."

Me: "I'd feel more comfortable if no one was doing things to my butt, but sure..."

The female nurse came over, snapped her glove on, and gave me a sympathy look...

Me: "You know this means we are going to be best friends right?" I said with the softest most depressing voice...she bursted out laughing.

Meanwhile there was no curtain covering the booty show and there were 6 other doctors awaiting my hip toss.

Me: "Hey my dude, can we close the curtain? Until I'm knocked out I have some sense of dignity...shit"

They giggled.

The nurse said take a breath and quickly went for the gold...

Me: "WRONG ENTRANCE!!!!"

Mortified that she had just tried giving me a pap test, she got a new glove, defiled my ass...and it was done.

Talk about someone remaining positive under the worst situations...I kept thinking, stay positive. Try to think good things...I mean it was hard after having my genitals mauled by an entire trauma ward...but still.

Next the curtain opened...revealing the 7 doctors around me...ready to knock me out and fix my busted hip...I remember counting over and over bc I was trying to keep my mind off the pain.

I looked at them all, and said I needed to make an announcement.

Me: "Hi everyone. I'm Nikki. I wasn't planning on almost dying tonight and having a sleepover here...and I haven't really shaved my legs in a while...and well...you have all seen my kooka now...and you there (pointing to nurse) have now done things with my butt...so I just wanna say...I am happy we are all friends now...and I'm sorry you have to touch my legs...best friends forever..."

I then looked at the doctor and said...Okay Im ready...

I woke up...still in the trauma unit...feeling like absolute death. My pillow was still saturated in blood. I could still see the images and hear the screams in my head...

Then i lifted my fingers in front of my face...and realized...none of my nails broke in my accident...sighed with relief...and passed out.

Valentines Day.

Wikipedia says

Saint Valentine's Day, commonly shortened to Valentine's Day,^[1][2][3] is an annual commemoration held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions.^[1][3] The day is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentineand was established by Pope Gelasius I in 500 AD. It was deleted from the Roman calendar of saints in 1969 by Pope Paul VI, but its religious observance is still permitted. It is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, offeringconfectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines"). The day first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.

Modern Valentine's Day symbols include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten valentines have given way to mass-producedgreeting cards.^[4]

Now, Valentine's Day, women demand jewelry, men demand blowjobs, you share a meal, and if the demands played out, ya smush like rabbits.

Oh how times have changed.

Never have I ever....Part Uno.

Please, ladies and gents, raise your glass and take a big ol' sip if the following debauchery has ensued in your lifetime.

These are real stories that have ever so graciously arose in my life...leaving me dumbfounded, angry, hysterical laughing, judgmental, disgusted....etc.

The past 8 1/2 years pretty much sum up why I always lose never have I ever........................and why I prefer not settling with a typical ass clown..


Here we go....


Never have I ever...
Had a significant other bazooka throw a vibrator at the wall during smush and yell at me, saying "you like that more than me!?!"...when it was their idear in the first place to get a little freaky deak.

wait, wait...haahhah. ahhh. still cracks me up.

Never have I ever...
Heard the words "pull em til they rip off.."
Use your imagination here kids.

Never have I ever...
Witnessed the burp-vom whilst being romantic....fucking gnar...and complete buzz kill. Ugh.

Never have I ever...
Had the words "oh my god, I'm so nervous...I haven't had a girl over in like a week" be said to me while kissing someone. FAIL FUCKING FAIL...(NY, Italian, Cop...enough said)

Never have I ever...
Dated someone who wore platform shoes...Yep. Word to the wise. You are not really 5'8" if you have special shoes made with 2 inches of height up in there...that means you are 5'6"...I'm not trying to date douchebag spice ya clown.

Never have I ever...
Dated someone who while attending the bone zone got out LUBE FROM THEIR PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP...
Now let me emphasize bc many of my best friends have dealt with this, guys and girls, and I hear the same bitter reaction from them all. There is a difference from ya typical ky in the nightstand. We are human...totally fine. Its a community bottle. Sure, why not. But, when you whip out some motion of the ocean pina colada half empty bottle of lube that you've had the 2 years you were with your ex....you're fucking disgusting...
Oh, god, you know just how to get me going...whipping out the tool you used to keep your ex's snatch tasting like a cocktail bc you couldn't keep her in the mood, and trying to douse my goods in it now too?. Ummm yeah, I'll pass.

Never have I ever...
Been cleaning my house and found an XS tank top in my clothes...I haven't been an XS since I was a toddler....Saying to my bf, "who the fuck does this belong to?" knowing its the chick he hooked up with while on a break....and him saying, "yeah its hers...we can chuck it..unless, do you want it babe?".............................................................................................................................................in what fucking universe would a girl want to KEEP the clothing of the girl who was clearly sleeping in their home and in their bed and putting her shit in their closet? ...I'd like to say I kept my cool that day...But. Think about it. It got real ghetto.

That is all for now...

I am now going to go rejoice in how wonderful my life is now....and how I am finally ready to be with someone who doesn't have the IQ of a meatball. <3

Hmph.

I spent the past 3 hours listening to the most amazing sappy love songs, indulging in rather wonderful conversation, whilst drinking lethal amounts of water, ingesting pain meds that give no relief to my bodily pain...developing a stabbing pain in my stomach from the meds...eating low fat cinnamon graham crackers (my newest addiction since the hospital...and orange sherbert..i think i clung on to the two things that made me feel better in the hospital, and unfortunately drug them into real life)..and all I can come up with is...

I'm happy.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.

3 am. insomnia. touchee

P.S.

Of all things to fucking fracture....


my PELVIS...and dislocate my hip!?!?!

....clearly i'll be digging into the past for stories...because I am out of commission. womppp wompppp

however.

I am the hottest 22 yr old with a walker...

:)

And the stitches on my head resemble harry potter's scar...which means I am bound to date an unfortunate closet wizard fanatic who asks me to dress up like a young suave harry potter and use a wand on his...

nevermind...

<3

I am back.

Here she isssssss :)


As most of you heard I was in a rather shitty car accident...and obviously, not being able to walk...I haven't made it to my computer.

But physical therapy is going well, and I am a fighter, naturally...SO I have old bitty walker'd my ass to my computer chair...and I am back in action ladies and gents.

Honestly the support and love I got from you all when I got hurt was overwhelming...especially the emails saying you missed my writings. I can't express how grateful I am to have such important people in my life who believe in me.

Moral of the accident story...I am alive, and I am lucky. I am a trooper, and I am positive. I will get through this. I will remain smiling...and I will always actively take part in keeping my loved ones happy, whether I can physically walk OR not. <3

Thanks for everything.

Time to keep on keepin on...

Blogs to come... :) Get excited. I have plenty of gruesome hospital stories of awkward moments and Nikki Ferrone clearly making friends with every patient and staff member in the hospital.

Again...if you are a new reader...be sure to start from the beginning other wise you will simply think I hate men or spend too much time in the bone zone...and clearly...that is NOT what this site is about :)


Love you all. Missed my blog :)

I am back...better than ever

Awwww Here It Is. Top Reasons Nikki Ferrone and You, will NOT be compatible.

Haven't written in days, because I was waiting for the week to really sink in before I could write about it.

I met a buddy at the gym last week and we got on the topic of why I won't settle down. And it made me think.

Well who would?

I have been through enough terrible relationships where I was a doormat, where I was treated like a bottom of the barrel bitch by men I did everything for. And once it was over, they KNEW they fucked up. They STILL know, they fucked up.

But at this point I find men and the stories that come out of them super exciting.

For instance. I went on a blind date friday night. My week was shitty, and homeboy was persuasive that upon meeting him, he could most definitely make me smile.

I don't like first dates. At all. Just go out and have fun with someone, if ya click, ya click. The end.

But...I took a chance because I was feelin a little low.

Now, all of these following examples, are 100% factual...and I clearly have no shame and that is why I can admit it.

TOP REASONS WHY YOU AND NIKKI FERRONE ARE NOT GOING ON DATE # 2.

1- An hour prior to the date, this human, we'll call him, Evo, (that's what he drove, one of the only charming things about him) he sends me a text saying how he loves a natural girl, who wears jeans and a t shirt out and a pony tail and hardly any makeup....................
I am sorry, but Nikki Ferrone will ALWAYS be a fan of makeup....not only is it how I earn a living, but it is something that has always made me happy, and it always will. I will always rock the fuck out of a smokey eye better than any North Jersey Guido Mami bitch and pull it off wherever I go. You don't like it? Don't look at it. I sure as hell am not holding a 9 mm to your dome and saying "please! look at my makeup!"...Second off, Jeans and a T shirt...I rock skinny jeans and T's all the time, granted I do a lil at home alterations and normally  cut the collar off my shirts to let my neck breath and channel a little Debbie Harry vibe...But I in no way, shape, or form, would be caught dead downtown, or back in NJ in AC or something wearing a t shirt and jeans....its NOT ME. Third, my hair is short. My ponytail that I have tried growing for 6 months now, is less than an inch long! Oyy..Shoulda been my first clue.

2- He called me Snooki...Enough Said....and that was BEFORE he met me. He called me Jersey shore when he actually met me, mainly because he probably knew that I had a knife in my clutch that I would've cut his ass with without hesitation if he did call me Snooki.

3- Once we go into his car, he reached for his wallet....and magically, it was gone. He lived a ways a way so the first half of the date was an awkward ride an hour to the gas station he went to before he came to meet me. My first thought was, yo, this guy is gangster as hell if he just pulled the, forgot the ol' wallet trick. My second thought was, oh awesome, we are driving an hour so no one knows I am dead and chopped up into nikki kabobs because this bro fixin to kill me.

4- When arriving at the gas stations in East Jabip, he stood up and WOW. The wallet appears under his ass shoved in the seat...So now, not only are you insulting, but you are a fucking dipshit too.

5- CONVERSATIONAL FAILS:
- Mentioning his last relationship ended three weeks ago. Was 2 1/2 years long. He caught her cheating the past 8 months, but she's actively trying to get him back, fail
*most awkward 20 mins of my life listening to this shit from beginning to end...however, by the end of the date it was apparent why she cheated on you.*
- Got the "me and my dad don't get along" half hour shpeel
- He told me he didn't have his first drink til his 21st birthday......................................If you are straightedge, that is badass and I respect it...If you are just fucking lame, I don't. Shit. My girl at work was like, are you sure you don't wanna cancel and go meet up with your friends downtown who LIKE to drink and have fun...That idear would've made more sense.
-When asked what my fave alcoholic beverage was, I said "vodka club, extra limes"...and his response was "
GAGS"...what? In what fucking universe is vodka, CALORIE FREE club soda, and a delicious citrus fruit considered gag material!? sorry I don't sip on Mikes Hard Lemonade while wearing no makeup and a ponytail ya herb.
-He told me he has had sex with less than 10 women his entire life, and expressed that this made him feel sleezy because his number is so high...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I cringed. You poor, poor man...You think you slutty because you banged out 7-8 girls in 23 years...well then you and I will never, ever, ever, see eye to eye.
-He's had two girlfriends his whole life, and talked about them the whole time. I can tell you what they look like, how old, their names, their dogs' names..................yup

6-The date...................Bowling. Hey. Bowling is fun. But not when you go with someone who wants to do it COMPETITIVELY and SOBER. fuck.
Now, mind you, we all know I rock some dagger length nails, I always have, I am not gonna change. Look at my pics when I am 16 years old. I have rad hair, long nails, super brown skin, super white teeth, it is whoooo I am.... I simply say, oh shit, bowling...good thing I'm getting my nails done tomorrow so idc if I jack em up...
"well jersey shore, if they weren't so fucking long"..................What I wanted to say, if I had my vehicle close by and didn't need to be concerned on how I'd get home...was Hey you dumb fucking redneck just because I know who I am and like it no matter what narrowminded herbs like you think, doesn't mean ya gotta belittle me....instead I am pretty sure I just said "yo, get off my dick"---- (at this point acting like a charming lady was probably out the window, especially if there wasn't going to be liquor involved)

7- I bowled the first turn, looking adorable in skinny jeans and old school bowling shoes. I did atrocious. Then I proceeded to granny shoot it, and got a spare...When here comes bowling pro 2011 with a left arm curveball, strike.....................COOL, you took me to play a game where you know you will win...jesus. I let all my reservations about fucking a nail up out the door and I bowled like a champ..I gave no shits about what I looked like as long as I beat this shitbird. I did awful the first game...Got an 88...which is my highest score ever....second game however, i started to win and he started being mean to me....Homeboy was all smiles til I started winning.

8- He called me a sandbagger. Im like a what?? He's like you know when someone claims they suck at something but really they are fucking lying and are great...WOW

9- He asked me what I wanted to drink (and to prevent myself from looking like an Alc-y tryna drink away her annoyances) and I said well what are you getting (hoping he'd say two vegas bombs and a whiskey on the rocks, you?)..and he responded "Um, a water? Why, lemme guess, you want vodka club with EXTRA limes, ugh"......................................................."nope. water sounds amazing"...............at this point i looked at my phone to see texts from a human I would've much rather been out with...someone who actually likes things about me....fail

10- He then proceeded to get mad, come back fierce and win the next two games...he told me I was too tan. He said my teeth nails and makeup were glowing under the blacklights, and that if I was trying to not let people know where I was from, I was doing a bad job...I love being tan, having white teeth (would u prefer my teeth be doo doo brown?), and looking beautiful. It is what I am.

11- Saying Buddhism is worse than being Catholic............

Needless to say, I brought the evening to a close and proceeded to drive around aimlessly thinking about how atrocious my luck is with the assclowns I meet. Evo and I haven't spoken since. I think when he looked in my car and saw the pile of clothing and hair and tanning products on my passenger seat (i changed at work and have my gym bag and work clothes bag amongst hair products bc dur dah dur I do hair...) and it resembled a hobo's love den, that was his final straw for me. Unfortunately my last straw for him was an hour before I met him.

I used to think what I want didn't exist...I liked when I thought it didn't...because knowing it does, and knowing ya can't quite get it right now, is more frustrating.

To all my single babes out there...Continue NOT settling...Otherwise you will end up with someone like EVO...

On a lighter note.

I was called cynical by a friend yesterday. I said cynical about me? 

He said no, you tend to tear guys a new asshole in your blog.

I would like to say that I tear everyone making dimwitted mistakes a new one, men, women, everyone. 

Women are just as guilty as accidentally catching their tooth on a man's shaft during a beej as a man is of the old WOOPS dolphin cry trick. I mean, lets get real people.

I am simply here to compile my stories with many others' men and women alike. I am the girl everyone seems to trust, so I hear allllll the best stories...leaving nothing to the imagination, and it boggles me the extent of nutty bonkers that humans go to in sex and relationships. 

Some men like their balls pulled, to the point where you feel as though their scrotum is going to detach. Am I faulting them for that? Nope, but I am in essence leaving this image burned in the brain of women who at least 50% of them now will, the next time in bed, tug a dude's nuts.

Some women ink with the ol' come hither oral sex trick, in essence, at least 50% of men reading this who secretly fucking hate themselves cuz they don't know if their chick is faking the overly boisterous orgasms, will try and see.

Some men have a soft spot for women with nails, and by nails I mean scratching their backs.

Some women only suggest being on top when the sex is so-so and she wants to TCOB. If this sounds familiar, my bad :)

Tearing a new asshole, OR, making your sex and relationships better!? :)

Making history, one day at a time.

WOMP

I am more than tired of hearing from men how great I am. (I know, woe is me right?) ...But truly. I hear, a lot, from men in FL and still NJ how smart I am, how pretty I am, how successful I have become, how independent I am, how loving and caring and helpful I try to be, how sexy I can act, how honest I am....

YET, 

I go out and find the ones who clearly DON'T think these things, and make a challenge out of it...

Part of the reason I moved was so that I could break away from that habit...and in florida I tried. The compliments listed above givin by first impression-nice guys, I took. I gave them a try...

And it bombed.

I forgot how bulletproof I was when I didn't care back about men...When I didn't care if it worked out because it was all a sheer game. They would try to play me, but you can't play with someone who knows each move you're about to make in the chess game of "fucking someone over"

I had strength I almost wish I didn't have, to look someone in the face who really did care about me, and say, "I like you...but not, LIKE you."

I had no heart when it came to sex either. I didn't need to like you like that to have full on porn star sex...But I knew how to act like I cared. I did to men, what men do to usually good girls that like them. They compliment them enough to make them think you're interested. They'll flirt with you publicly. They'll take you home. Use you...And then shade off into the distance. 

Was I that broken from the 8 years of scumfucks that I had no real desire to fall in love, or let a decent human being into my life?

Yep.

And then I come to Florida, ready to find true love, the love you have for yourself.

And I did. 

And everything began falling into place.

I'd be open-minded about who I met, and mildly cautious...never LOOKING for anything to come from the dates I'd go on, or the nice conversation from interesting men. I say MEN because I don't date young. I find the maturity level I am looking for doesn't fit most 23 year old men.

I was guarded on who I put my trust into. 

I've met two men in this state who I knew I could potentially care about. 

The first one, definitely not my type judging from the men I dated in NJ...not even a little bit...and it was nice. 

However, the second I actually showed signs of caring, you could put a fucking fork in it because it was done.

Luckily, I recover in minutes because I'm all too positive, and as much as dwelling on bullshit sounds soooo appetizing...it's just not my style.

The other came out of no where...on a night where I was feeling like absolute shit. 

I was beginning to feel like my every day and night was consumed by work, and my homesickness was increasing. The men I was meeting were slobs...It was disheartening. Then I meet a guy who on paper LOOKED like what I was looking for exactly. Conversations were great. He looked great. Talked, like I like men to talk. Joked, and actually made me laugh, not my pretend laugh when I roll my eyes uncomfortably. We went places I liked. Had good conversation. Then, my "going to shit quickly" radar picked up. I know when a man is no longer feeling it, shit, I do the same thing when I'm not feeling it...only I have no problem saying peace immediately. 

And here I am. I could revert to the old nikki, who was used to getting shit on, and pull some boohoo sob story and say God I am never going to find a good guy! :( I hate men. No one will love me...womp womp womp.

Do I get curious as to how so many can think I am so amazing, but the few I find to be extraordinary could give no fucks? Yep. 

However, I am content alone because I would rather be alone than settle for what I am not looking for. 

Or settle for someone who doesn't treat me epic...because that is what I do for people I care about. 

Again I say, thank you to the men who have cheated on me, thank you to the men who have hit me, or been aggressive, thank you to the alcoholics, and white trash I put my heart into, thank you to the drug dealers and addicts I "loved"..thanks to the one night stands, and the one night standoffs, thanks to the awkward snuggers, the emotionally damaged, the tattooed manwhores with dirty obsessions, the egotistical rockstars, the men who called me ugly and fat, and the ones I just wasn't worth keeping around... thank you. Thank you, because of you I have endless stories, that have made me a strong fucking woman...And I WILL somehow make money off of this someday.

Dicks.

Writer's Block.

I am unhappy to report that I have writer's block when it comes to my own life. I have no opinions as of right now, or insight as to how I feel these days.

Not negatively speaking however, I am still veryyyy positive.

However, I have absolutely no problem, or shame, in writing about love and sex in general.

So it's coming. In due time.

First Dates.

First dates can be awkward.

Especially blind dates.

Sometimes there are unrealistic expectations.
Sometimes there are odd silences.
Sometimes right off the bat you know this is going no where.
Sometimes right off the bat you know this is going some where.
Sometimes you can't find the right words to say.
Sometimes you say too much.
Sometimes your belly hurts and you don't know if its butterflies, anxiety, or bad sushi.
Sometimes you feel as though you are only physically attracted to the person.
Sometimes you feel like you only really find their personality attractive.
Sometimes you have one too many drinks.
Sometimes THEY have one too many drinks.
Sometimes you both are shy.
Sometimes you have NOTHING in common.
Sometimes you have everything in common.

Talk about pressure.
Why is it that when an evening is labeled a first date, it immediately becomes some ordeal?
You and another human being are going out into a public place to meet and get to know one another. Why is it easier to make a friend washing your hands in the bathroom by simply handing them a paper towel? Why is it LESS awkward to talk to your gynecologist about your skiing trip this winter while getting a damn pap smear than it is to ask a man what his favorite food is?

Why do you get emotionally off kilter in the presence of someone new because you think you might say the wrong thing, or look the wrong way? This is why new relationships right off the bat after only one or two dates normally end in turmoil. Because you are so busy trying to impress someone, that the real YOU doesn't even come through for a while for your new partner to see.

How can a new interest in your life, truly appreciate you if you aren't completely open with them. I am not saying have your first date at starbucks and bring your laptop and say here, look over my facebook for a little bit and explore my entire life via internet while I go grab my photo albums and scrap books from all of my previous relationships and then you can show me yours and tell me when every single thing in your life that made you sad, mad, or happy happened...and then, I want you to point out every flaw I have, and every good asset, and then I am going to do the same, that way after 3 hours I know every single thing about you! :) no. no. no. no. I am not saying lay out your entire life timeline on the bar table and leave no room for finding new qualities in you...I am simply saying, don't be someone else because you feel as though this first date needs to go somewhere. Not every first date will end in marriage. Not every first date will have a second date. Not every first date will end with a hug or a kiss or an "I'll call you"...

Can you imagine how much easier "dating" would be if we didn't refer to it as dating.

Life would be easier if we all just went out with people we found interesting and just let loose and had a good time with intelligent conversation. When you go out assuming this WILL go somewhere, you tend to put all your eggs in one basket and add unnecessary pressure on the night.

Go out with people you KNOW there will be potential connection with, not the first person who shows interest in you even if you believe in your heart you are not going to fall for them. Unless you make it known you are going out as friends lifting the DATE aspect off the night. Because then, who is to say once that pressure is gone and you go out as friends that you wont fall for the real them now...Ya dig!?

I always say I hate dating.
That it is awkward and weird.
So I am going to start non-date dating.
If you have no expectations, you have no let downs.
All you have is two people, out together, enjoying each other's company.
If something happens, that means it happened purely because of compatibility.

On that note. I have a non-date to get ready for this evening. ;) haha

Quick Clear Up

For those of you catching my blog mid way...I need to emphasize to my male readers, if you see a blog about men doing shitty things, that does not mean that this is some Feminazi page degrading men and being completely against them.

I am a fan of the male species.

I would like to fall in love some day, with a MAN.

In fact, I probably defend men more than women. I understand men, probably more than women.

I am an honest open minded chick who writes about love and lust and sex and bad oral sex and bad breath.

It is not a She Man Dude Haters Club, in the least.

Thank you. And Good Day.

In Reality.

In reality, I took a huge chance with this blog.

I sacrificed the possibility of awful judgments, cruel words, or hurt feelings.

I put my experiences out in the open, to hope to change maybe one or two views, opinions, lives.

I write everyday not just for your help, entertainment, comedic relief...but because all of these experiences, good or bad....are my past.

What better way to move into the present and on to the future than to leave everything on paper (or internet) freeing up some new brain space?

Mystery in someone is exciting, and don't worry. I can have mystery, but I've been in positions where people want to talk about me, or creating lies out of truths to make me look bad...Hell, I've made many friends by threatening my enemies with a simple "do you know me? anything about me? no? why don't we have a drink and when you finish if you still hate me, THEN talk shit...if not, shut the fuck up."

If I tell everyone the truth all the time, I don't leave myself open for slander...not many people take that type of risk...and I am clearly not like many people.

Someday I will be famous.
I will make sure of it.
The girl who was true to herself, and to maybe someday, I can say true to my "fans"...I will always tell it like it is...I will always be confident and comfortable enough to put my feelings into words for the world to see...even if its not always a bright idea...

I'm as real as it gets.
My heart is bigger than I know what to do with sometimes.
I am blunt. I am honest.

I am Nikki Fucking Ferrone.

Hear.Me.Roar.

Cunnilingus.

Cunnilingus is the act of using the mouth, lips, and tongue to stimulate the female genitals. Derived from a vulgar Latin word for the vulva (cunnus) and the Latin word for tongue (lingua).
Also referred to in slang definition as "eating pussy."




Ahh yes. Oral sex on a woman. I warn you now, I am going to be raw and explicit here, because to be honest, there is a lot about this art of tongue to vajay action that people just can't seem to fucking comprehend.




I will start with how much it irks me that there are so many dirt mcgirt words to describe the ol' cunnilingus. 


"Going down on a girl" - is the only thing that doesn't give me a twitch with mild disgust. But hey, while we're at it, lets throw down some other ways of saying it!


Eating pussy
Giving head
Throwing dome (actually this is my fave)
Clit Lickin
Carpet Munching
A Blumpy if she's also defecating. Yup. WOW.
Etc.


Anywho.


I will begin with saying, I assume all of you reading this are in beautiful, meaningful relationships with your soulmate, who I am sure you lost your virginity to ONLY with the pure knowledge that you would soon wed and bare children. That all of your sex is safe and consensual, and you are totally in love and would never fornicate or engage in oral sex with someone other than your committed partner under the eyes of the big guy upstairs. Right? Right. 






















































Sense the sarcasm? Naturally.
Back to business.


Okay, first off.
General statement to the ladies. Have you ever been getting hott and heavy with a man, but you aren't ready for it to go as far as a full fledged smush? Normally heavy petting and awkward dry humping happens at this point and generally, the male in this scenario (but hey sometimes the biddy gets antsy) goes in for the oral sex kill. Normally this daring feat is done because A. 9/10 times the girl will feel guilty and give you a beej in return because its not a sin if you don't penetrate, right? or B. If it's good and there is booze involved you might get lucky and hit a home run following the 3rd base hit. 


Or, how about you are with your partner, you well enough know that sex is inevitable (i.e. bout to go to bed and you are about to have goodnight sex), and foreplay takes place. Normally the pattern is male goes down on female until she orgasms or if you are good enough, shes inks. WAIT A MINUTE !?!?! Yep. Inks. I think female ejaculation, aka CUMMING, is a foul dirty statement, therefore, my best friend calls it inking. "Aw, you guys made me inkkk" - Finding Nemo...Yes. Inking. Many of you sad saps out there try to make this happen, but don't beat yourself up..it is pretty hard to do. O's can happen without the act of inking, however, every girl knows that if a man makes you ink, you fucking marry him. You. Fucking. Marry. Him. Anyways. Back to the pattern. Male goes down on girl, (if he is a good catch, he'll wait til O-Town...not orlando...not the band...an orgasm) after that it is common courtesy to give a booster beej (aka the blow the get things back in action), and then sexytime...


Or, what about when you are tired, but the guy "loves pleasing a woman"  and wants to go down on you just because...(bahaha get a grip you all sound so fucking dumb when you say this...honestly...bc in reality you try to subtly stick your dick in our mouth or goods right after anyway now that we're all rev'd up)


These scenarios are all well and fine UNLESS...he aint got that good good.


There is nothing more unattractive or annoying than a man who cannot throw dome. Truly...And do you wanna know why SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many dudes suck at it? Because bitches with no balls are out there faking mass amounts of orgasms in lieu of hurting a man's feelings...No, No, babygirls, that needs to stop otherwise you will forever have to rely on bathtub faucets and adjustable setting shower heads and vibrators to make mama happy instead of your own partner...Which hey. I may stay single forever if they don't start holding dome throwing seminars at the local Y for confused man pieces.


Now, I have compiled my real life experiences with research as well as mass lady gossip for these examples of awful times. Again, if you think this is you, it probably is. My bad.


If you are snatch surfing, and do not know the girl well enough to make a decision like, hey would she totally love a finger up her ass...do not take it upon yourself to check her oil abruptly...chances are she wasn't expecting it, and probably now just lost her sexual appetite and will clench her cheeks warding you away from her ass, and about 2 minutes from now will fake a seriously loud and overly dramatic orgasm in hopes that you get the fuck off of her and she can forget you ever did that.


Noise. When it sounds like 115 lb pitbull is drinking water for the first time in 3 days down by our lady parts, its not cute. You are not lapping up my vagina, its weird. Just stop. 


The tornado. When executed properly the self explanatory term is pretty grand...however, when done sloppily or while intoxicated the tornado becomes a HBO special of the man that can paint with his head. well the flailing head has a tongue attached to it and it is making a god damn picasso out of your hoo hoo.


Biting. Sexy nibbling around the pelvic bones or hips or thighs, that is fucking hott. However, if we feel your canines in your mouth pierce our clitoral region to the point that we feel like we are about to fuck a king crab...then it is not cute...its not sexy...stop watching low budget porn. 


Instead of the word clit im changing it to diamond. diamonds are a girls best friend. it sounds way less raunchy...and I totally know my Gramma Marie is reading this and trying not to judge me but I bet clit will just really throw her over the edge. 


The come hither. Its a beautiful thing. And half the time you goonies completely disregard it. Normally if tongue-diamond method isn't kicking within 10 mins you are def doing something wrong, or, in your defense, your girls head is somewhere else. It is a proven statistic that a girl can prevent herself from a true O-Baby from stress, emotions, lack of attention, etc....(I get A.D.D. ridden sometimes, but, I would still blame yourself) Anywho, after 10 mins if you already havent pulled the old come hither insert, do it...You'll probably change your sex life forever if you have never...
In the most discrete way ever I have maneuvered men who were hands-free into somehow picking up the clue i was putting down...its called grabbing their fucking hand and showing them. half the time they get a little discouraged and feel almost put down (these are men I refer to as noobs)...the other half they take the clue and fucking run with it...these type of men are in the Go Green section. (aka. recycles. aka. round twos?)


Heavy breathing. If you are running out of air from oral sex...I'm concerned. If you are breathing hott heavy air on our goodies because you think its sexy..okay...sometimes its okay...but if you sound like a 600 lb broad on a chinese buffet line with a tickle in your throat, im sorry, but get a fucking inhaler. 


The tongue dart. If I feel as though you are punching in morse code on my diamond, and not cracking it...Im bored.


The tongue flick. This is sexy, unless, you are in essence seeing how fast you can flick your tongue for your own odd pleasure. yeah. this happens. after the first 30 secs im officially creeped out.


THE ASS LICK! stop, just stop, stop, stop. STOP. Unless you know for sure ya chick is a freaky deak and into it. DO NOT assume this is OKAY. I am not some slamhog that wants my fucking ass licked. And if I have a couple patron ritas and do, Ill have no problem telling you. I have heard atleast 7 horror stories in the past 6 months from girls, who have been with a guy who just gives the ol' baskin robbins lick right up the crack during oral sex...and guess what fellers...they all faked it with ya. 


Every girl is different. Some like it fast. Some like it slow. Some like no hands. Some love come hither. Some like you to hold their hand, or rub their belly. Some wanna scratch your back or pull your hair. I am an open gal. I think sex is natural and fun. But I think bad oral sex is atrocious...and for the most part what I listed almost all women find terrible. Slow & steady, wins the race in this instance. Its relaxing...Its sexy. Fast and rushed equals fast rushed fake moaning and leg shaking.


If a girls legs are shaking, for real, when all is said and done, congrats.
If you're bed got inked. Congrats. 
If she jumped your bones right after, congrats. 


Hell, we can't be greedy, some of you dudes don't even go near a vagina with your face...yes have no problem throwin your meat at our face 24'7...


I have a 3 point test.  Which I think all men and women who enjoy sex should. Especially when looking for the "one"..


What you can do with your hands.
What you can do with your mouth.
What you can do with your D. (or V if you boys wanna steal the test)
1/3...eh...probably not going to work out.
2/3...hey...the odds are good.
3/3...FUCKING RAREEEE. Marriage.


Hey, listen. Ladies give atrocious blow jays too I'm sure. So men, don't be salty. Bitches be nuts too.
Unfortunately. And I say this with immense self respect, and assurance...my closest friends and I, have not received complaints from hypothetical dome catchers.


last but not least.
when using your hands. please do not assume that you can get every girl wet by the snap of a finger...if you are trying to make move downstairs with just your hands which is a daring move, make sure you help a sista out...bc most of you guys couldn't finger your hand out of a paper bag. <3 the end.