I have found since recovering from my accident that the gym is not only insane positive for your physical well being, but your mental as well.
For instance...a few reasons why until Mr. Right gets a grip, LA Fitness is better than a man.
The gym won't:
Mistreat you
cheat on you
give you herpes
make it "clap"
work you out less than thirty seconds
call you fat
or, have a secret cyber relaysh behind ya back.
Therefore, as long as you have the sun, a gym, and bathtub. Ladies, ya really have no business settling for less than the best. <3
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Protecting Your Heart...or Testing Someone Else's?
When you are burned by individuals in your life, much too frequently...a wall begins to go up. With each flawed relationship the wall gets a little higher...a little tougher. This makes you a little more cautious...a little less trusting. This makes it hard for those with ill intentions to break your heart...BUT, the biggest downfall to the "wall"...is that when someone with a good heart, great intentions, and a look in their eye for you that you KNOW is different than past pursuers...you make it even harder for them to get through to you.
At what point in our minds and our hearts do we let go of the damage our past has caused us, to take a risk on someone different. At what point do you trust that someone isn't out to hurt you, but out to try to give you everything you never knew you really needed.
Do you end things immediately, before a negative outcome could even be a possibility?
Do you string things along, never settling down, even if its good, because you think if it is too good it will be gone?
Do you actually push away, while in the process of slowly opening up to someone?
Do you spend so much time selfishly protecting your heart, that you fail to realize you are breaking someone else's?
The cycle of the past is a vicious one.
We all look to the future and claim our past will stay just there...in the past...yet how often do we make comparisons, snap judgments, assumptions, and mistakes...due to our past experiences...all while knowing we want the same outcome, to fall in love, meaningful, lasting love.
Behind every player, there is a girl that broke his heart, or treated him like garbage.
Behind every "independent" girl, there is a man who convinced her she would never be good enough, and now she only believes she is at her best alone.
Behind every smut, there is a man who destroyed her self-esteem.
Behind every angry man, there is a woman who stole his sensitivity.
When you are the person who is surrounded by the wall...you attract those who won't want you long term, who don't want to get to know the real you, who just want to have fun. These are the individuals who have probably been through their own fair share of shit, and will most likely put you through the hell they've been through without even realizing. At this point your wall makes you numb, and it doesn't even hurt that bad to be in and out of someone's life so quick like that. Because you will not let yourself care...even though...you want someone to care about, and to care about you the way they should. That big ol' wall of yours attracts those who want to chase you for shits and giggles...not for a fairytale ending...and through this...we miss out on those who really do want to be in our lives. We let good people go, who want nothing more than to earn your trust, your affection, your attention, and someday your love.
I was someone with a wall. Almost 9 years of the worst men you can imagine, all mixed in with some of the most amazing guys I have ever met in my entire life. They'd come inconveniently enough when I was shattered...when my wall was the highest...and not only would I let them go, or push them away, I hurt them. Because I'd rather spend my time with those who would never truly love me...meaning they could never really break my heart.
Having no emotions towards any potential relationships is the loneliest life I ever saw for myself...and moving to FL, and filtering all the negative in my life, dropped my guard a little bit. I still meet shitty men, with shitty personalities...but I am now allowing myself to be open to letting the good guys, well, be good. I've moved mountains for the men in my life. I have always been the best girlfriend I could be, and the best friend. I know I deserve that absolute best and that I will make a man so happy, and they will know how lucky they are.
But, what happens when that person is the epitome of "the wall"...
What happens when your guard drops for someone who makes you want to put it right back up because they are so busy "protecting" themselves that they are actually breaking you down day to day?
How long do you wait for someone to trust you, while they aren't earning any trust themselves?
How long do you sit around lonely waiting for them to want to spend time with you, or show you that you are important to them too?
How long do you wait before you realize...that guard is up for good, and they just don't feel the same about you?
When do you decipher the difference between commitment issues and plain ol' mind fucking?
When do you stop feeling like a dumbass hopeless romantic waiting for the green light...and move on to those who will not only appreciate you, but move mountains for you as well.
How many people do you let walk out of your life because you pushed them in that direction...before you let the right one in?
Because I know if I am pushed far enough...I am not coming back.
At what point in our minds and our hearts do we let go of the damage our past has caused us, to take a risk on someone different. At what point do you trust that someone isn't out to hurt you, but out to try to give you everything you never knew you really needed.
Do you end things immediately, before a negative outcome could even be a possibility?
Do you string things along, never settling down, even if its good, because you think if it is too good it will be gone?
Do you actually push away, while in the process of slowly opening up to someone?
Do you spend so much time selfishly protecting your heart, that you fail to realize you are breaking someone else's?
The cycle of the past is a vicious one.
We all look to the future and claim our past will stay just there...in the past...yet how often do we make comparisons, snap judgments, assumptions, and mistakes...due to our past experiences...all while knowing we want the same outcome, to fall in love, meaningful, lasting love.
Behind every player, there is a girl that broke his heart, or treated him like garbage.
Behind every "independent" girl, there is a man who convinced her she would never be good enough, and now she only believes she is at her best alone.
Behind every smut, there is a man who destroyed her self-esteem.
Behind every angry man, there is a woman who stole his sensitivity.
When you are the person who is surrounded by the wall...you attract those who won't want you long term, who don't want to get to know the real you, who just want to have fun. These are the individuals who have probably been through their own fair share of shit, and will most likely put you through the hell they've been through without even realizing. At this point your wall makes you numb, and it doesn't even hurt that bad to be in and out of someone's life so quick like that. Because you will not let yourself care...even though...you want someone to care about, and to care about you the way they should. That big ol' wall of yours attracts those who want to chase you for shits and giggles...not for a fairytale ending...and through this...we miss out on those who really do want to be in our lives. We let good people go, who want nothing more than to earn your trust, your affection, your attention, and someday your love.
I was someone with a wall. Almost 9 years of the worst men you can imagine, all mixed in with some of the most amazing guys I have ever met in my entire life. They'd come inconveniently enough when I was shattered...when my wall was the highest...and not only would I let them go, or push them away, I hurt them. Because I'd rather spend my time with those who would never truly love me...meaning they could never really break my heart.
Having no emotions towards any potential relationships is the loneliest life I ever saw for myself...and moving to FL, and filtering all the negative in my life, dropped my guard a little bit. I still meet shitty men, with shitty personalities...but I am now allowing myself to be open to letting the good guys, well, be good. I've moved mountains for the men in my life. I have always been the best girlfriend I could be, and the best friend. I know I deserve that absolute best and that I will make a man so happy, and they will know how lucky they are.
But, what happens when that person is the epitome of "the wall"...
What happens when your guard drops for someone who makes you want to put it right back up because they are so busy "protecting" themselves that they are actually breaking you down day to day?
How long do you wait for someone to trust you, while they aren't earning any trust themselves?
How long do you sit around lonely waiting for them to want to spend time with you, or show you that you are important to them too?
How long do you wait before you realize...that guard is up for good, and they just don't feel the same about you?
When do you decipher the difference between commitment issues and plain ol' mind fucking?
When do you stop feeling like a dumbass hopeless romantic waiting for the green light...and move on to those who will not only appreciate you, but move mountains for you as well.
How many people do you let walk out of your life because you pushed them in that direction...before you let the right one in?
Because I know if I am pushed far enough...I am not coming back.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Bar-back the fuck up.
Douchebag move #2,986
Last night @ the ale house I was at the bar getting a water. The barback walks up asking if I needed a bartender, naturally, I smiled and said "yeah, thank you."
He stares for a hot minute, smiling, while I stare down at my phone hoping the elderly man breathing blue moon in the general direction of my mouth wont talk to me.
Barboy brings over the bartender and goes, "this is my beautiful cousin, take care of her."
Clearly, I let her know this wasn't the truth, he makes a few cute comments, and I walk back to the rest of the group. I go back a little while later, again, barboy, "cousins doesn't really work, we should just get married."...
I laugh, ward off gramps to my left who know is telling me he loves my long nails...and walk away. I catch him tell a co-worker that i'm beautiful, and stares me down.
At this point in the night I was hating men bc a certain realization surfaced...and I just kinda wanted to a) go home and down a bottle of wine and lay naked in my bed. b) go work out or c) punch the closest guy in the throat and say thank you.
I went back to the bar for the final time, and barboy walks up, chatting me up, being really sweet. He tells pop pop next to me he should buy me a drink bc its my bachelorette party...everyone goes really?! He says she's marrying me, and smiled...
That's when the bartender walked up and says....wait for it...waitt for ittttt.
"Yeah you're fucking girlfriend would love that."..............
homey turned fire engine fucking red, put his head down and couldn't look at me the rest of the night.
Man, I'd totally love if my bf told women he wanted to marry them all night. SO dreamy <3
Last night @ the ale house I was at the bar getting a water. The barback walks up asking if I needed a bartender, naturally, I smiled and said "yeah, thank you."
He stares for a hot minute, smiling, while I stare down at my phone hoping the elderly man breathing blue moon in the general direction of my mouth wont talk to me.
Barboy brings over the bartender and goes, "this is my beautiful cousin, take care of her."
Clearly, I let her know this wasn't the truth, he makes a few cute comments, and I walk back to the rest of the group. I go back a little while later, again, barboy, "cousins doesn't really work, we should just get married."...
I laugh, ward off gramps to my left who know is telling me he loves my long nails...and walk away. I catch him tell a co-worker that i'm beautiful, and stares me down.
At this point in the night I was hating men bc a certain realization surfaced...and I just kinda wanted to a) go home and down a bottle of wine and lay naked in my bed. b) go work out or c) punch the closest guy in the throat and say thank you.
I went back to the bar for the final time, and barboy walks up, chatting me up, being really sweet. He tells pop pop next to me he should buy me a drink bc its my bachelorette party...everyone goes really?! He says she's marrying me, and smiled...
That's when the bartender walked up and says....wait for it...waitt for ittttt.
"Yeah you're fucking girlfriend would love that."..............
homey turned fire engine fucking red, put his head down and couldn't look at me the rest of the night.
Man, I'd totally love if my bf told women he wanted to marry them all night. SO dreamy <3
Monday, March 7, 2011
One Night Snug.
Are these acceptable in this day and age?
I don't want a boyfriend, because clearly, a good man is hard to find.
I don't want to sleep around, because clearly, aids is easy to find.
I just want to snug.
Dammit.
I don't want a boyfriend, because clearly, a good man is hard to find.
I don't want to sleep around, because clearly, aids is easy to find.
I just want to snug.
Dammit.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm Back Biatchhhhh.
So, it is safe to say I was in quite the slump for a week or two.
I guess rockin a walker for almost 3 weeks, and having no choice but to realize you are lonely, and now losing muscle tone in your prized possession booty, is inevitably going to do some wear and tear on your emotions.
I was beginning to doubt myself, and that is just NOT okay.
I met a douche clown to say the least who threw serious game at me in the end of my recovery...riiiight around Valentine's day...I took the bait I assume because subconsciously I guess I didn't want to be like 99% of the singles on Vday and post a status about how I am lonely or celebrating "Single's Appreciation Day"...We do realize that spells fucking SAD, correct?
Needless to say, I must have been in a definite slump because I let some of the qualities I like and look for in the opposite sex, fly out the window.
Call me dumb, call me shallow, hell, call me whatever you want...But there are specifics that I can see in the person I am going to spend a large portion of my time with. And this human didn't have em.
If you ask my sisters, what are the main things Nik looks for in a man?
They will both tell you I am a sucker for tattoos. Not because I think tattoos are gnarly, I mean I do...but I think its rad when someone cares about something enough that they will put it on them for the rest of their life...for no one else, but themselves. That a man that is hardworking is the sexiest thing in the world to me. If you can play a guitar, you can pretty much put a fork in me, bc I'm done. I think I am more attracted to nice teeth, than abs I can wash clothing on. I think someone you can be fun and goofy and comfortable and open and honest with, is the most important thing. That passion for something in life makes me weak in the knees, whatever it may be (hopefully not serial killing and/or collecting toe nails.) And...hands. Ugh. I judge hands on a level only a weirdo would. If you don't have manly hands, I don't want you to hold mine. I'm sorry. Do I want last nights dinner under your nails? No. Do I want your pinky nail longer than my guido mami nail, lookin like Rick James and shit? No. Just manly hands. That look strong. Not lil Jimmy Dean links that I can see on a fat bitch at Kmart. Ugh. It skeeves me.
Anywho. Needless to say, this individual was a shadeball. Which I guess works out bc when we went out I was thinking (true story)...Wow, he would probably have a stroke if I got my makeup on one of his cool white t-shirts...hm...thats not gonna fly...wow, his chin resembles john travoltas butt chin...and well that just isn't okay...Wow...I HATE his hands..."I'll have another apple sake...thanks"...wow, he really likes himself...wow, he would probably never take me to a show or take a punch to the teeth in the pit, his mediocre teeth. Wow, he has no tattoos and isn't musically inclined...Nik...what the FUCK are you doing?
My mind was on other things, and eventually this mild spark of a flame was blown out quicker than Pauly D's hair.
I cook, I clean, I can SPELL, CORRECTLY, I am nice to strangers and want to make friends everywhere I go..I'm a smart business woman with a killer job that makes me happy, I love music, I sing, I dance, I write, I like shows and going on random adventures...Making other people happy and feel beautiful or good about themselves is my favorite thing in the world. I dig animals, and getting tattooed. I work out, I give good back tickles, I have straight AND white teeth..
Granted, I have major flaws. Like, I take pictures of insane people discretely (never slow or obese though, that is just wrong). I am not fun to play photo hunt with bc I have ocd, and I will be quicker than you. I like my alarms to end in 6 (i.e. 5:26 am, 6:16, 8:36) yeah...awkward. I snort when I laugh hard. I sleep with whitening gum in my mouth to keep from grinding my teeth, and well bc...I whiten while I sleep...I have long nails and I just don't think I will cut them for anyone...Maybe an iphone...but that's it. I don't sneeze in public. I don't know how to whistle..i look like I am hyperventilating when I try. I can't crack my knuckles and I want to...I cry during almost every movie. I watch Jersey Shore religiously even though I find the cast repulsive. Spiders make me cry, but I am working on it. I am a terrible driver, seriously...And I have a problem where I need to know definitions of words. I'll change my shirt about 20 times if I think I have back boobies (you know, when chicks have pudge that hangs over their bra, its gross, and I won't be one of em). And, unless my back is tickled, I take forever to fall asleep.
NOW. To me...these might be slight downfalls...but...I mean...I have pictures of wonderful humans, I always place top score on photo hunt (with the exception of HEDO KIDS #1 @ doyles in tuckerton which team hedo kids killers tried for 3 weeks to beat...im still not over it...)...My alarms, well, that's just kind of bonkers. I have uber white teeth, never have bad breath, not even morning breath really. My nails feel nice, you're welcome. I will never snot on you. The whistle thing, yeah, that'll probably end bad for me if there is ever an emergency...but, moving on. I won't have boney arthritic hands when I am older. There's nothing good about Jersey Shore. Spiders, Idk...Im getting pretty ballsy these days and takin em out a little quicker...but then I feel bad and get scared their fam is gonna plan a witch hunt and track me down and put me into cardiac arrest :/ The driving thing, I hope to find a man that likes driving. And if I can meet someone who likes words and correcting people's grammar as much as I do, I'll be set. That if I date a man who loves to snug, I'm golden. And no back fat. Come on. THAT's a catch....pfft.
I am okay with being single. I am. Because I know when I find someone who possesses what I am looking for, AND can handle that I am an odd bird, but still kinda cute...then it will be worth it.
I'm not beat for having a new re-laysh status on fbook every two weeks with goobers in Volusia County bc I am weeding through boyfriends looking for Mr. Right. And I am also not searching for Mr. Tonight.
Besides, I am pretty sure the relationship I have now with LA Fitness is better and more gratifying than any previous courtship I've had. The gym makes me feel good, makes me look good. It gives me confidence, and strength. I can clear my head, and leave feeling like a million dollllas. I am good to the gym, yet it doesn't shit on me. Who'd a thunk it!? :)
Seeing as it has been so long, and I have gotten a few emails asking where my blogsss at....this one can be a little longer today...with my fave topic of the week, which my gf Nat actually touched on her status today...
Here's a shout out booboo
Status: "FUCK! I wish I had a good looking, smart, money oriented, nice, awesome dude for a boyfriend, so I could make him look like an asshole in front of his friends, and treat him like a jerkoff... is that what im doing wrong?" --Natalie
I say this all the time. It makes me fucking crazy when I see fine lookin dudes out, being super nice, and their gfs are these mousy broads with no fashion sense whatsoever...and I hear them just make fun of the guy. These chicks do it right in public, in front of friends, and family, I can't even imagine the shit that is said behind closed doors. Yes, men DEF treat chicks like dirt too sometimes. I know, most of my exes idears of manners were trying not to finish in 30 secs. (Ouch, sorry :) ) However, being a single girl who would love a legit good guy in my life, and would be good to him, it irks my nerves.
I want to judo chop girls in the throat when I hear them tell a man to "shut up"...and not in a fun loving hehe shut upp, kinda way. When I hear girls tell a guy they are stupid...It makes me cringe. Fact of the matter is, you should be with someone who respects you, who loves the quirky things about you, and your jokes and how you dress...Not someone who is going to put you down.
So, all in all. That was my rant.
Re-cap...
I am addicted to the gym.
I am lonely, but nevertheless, okay with it...Because why look for something when it'll just simply come when the time is right.
Good looking dudes need to dump manipulative smuts.
Crazy people photograph well.
And, I am happy. :)
The.End.
P.S. I <3 TANK :) Miss you girls.
I guess rockin a walker for almost 3 weeks, and having no choice but to realize you are lonely, and now losing muscle tone in your prized possession booty, is inevitably going to do some wear and tear on your emotions.
I was beginning to doubt myself, and that is just NOT okay.
I met a douche clown to say the least who threw serious game at me in the end of my recovery...riiiight around Valentine's day...I took the bait I assume because subconsciously I guess I didn't want to be like 99% of the singles on Vday and post a status about how I am lonely or celebrating "Single's Appreciation Day"...We do realize that spells fucking SAD, correct?
Needless to say, I must have been in a definite slump because I let some of the qualities I like and look for in the opposite sex, fly out the window.
Call me dumb, call me shallow, hell, call me whatever you want...But there are specifics that I can see in the person I am going to spend a large portion of my time with. And this human didn't have em.
If you ask my sisters, what are the main things Nik looks for in a man?
They will both tell you I am a sucker for tattoos. Not because I think tattoos are gnarly, I mean I do...but I think its rad when someone cares about something enough that they will put it on them for the rest of their life...for no one else, but themselves. That a man that is hardworking is the sexiest thing in the world to me. If you can play a guitar, you can pretty much put a fork in me, bc I'm done. I think I am more attracted to nice teeth, than abs I can wash clothing on. I think someone you can be fun and goofy and comfortable and open and honest with, is the most important thing. That passion for something in life makes me weak in the knees, whatever it may be (hopefully not serial killing and/or collecting toe nails.) And...hands. Ugh. I judge hands on a level only a weirdo would. If you don't have manly hands, I don't want you to hold mine. I'm sorry. Do I want last nights dinner under your nails? No. Do I want your pinky nail longer than my guido mami nail, lookin like Rick James and shit? No. Just manly hands. That look strong. Not lil Jimmy Dean links that I can see on a fat bitch at Kmart. Ugh. It skeeves me.
Anywho. Needless to say, this individual was a shadeball. Which I guess works out bc when we went out I was thinking (true story)...Wow, he would probably have a stroke if I got my makeup on one of his cool white t-shirts...hm...thats not gonna fly...wow, his chin resembles john travoltas butt chin...and well that just isn't okay...Wow...I HATE his hands..."I'll have another apple sake...thanks"...wow, he really likes himself...wow, he would probably never take me to a show or take a punch to the teeth in the pit, his mediocre teeth. Wow, he has no tattoos and isn't musically inclined...Nik...what the FUCK are you doing?
My mind was on other things, and eventually this mild spark of a flame was blown out quicker than Pauly D's hair.
I cook, I clean, I can SPELL, CORRECTLY, I am nice to strangers and want to make friends everywhere I go..I'm a smart business woman with a killer job that makes me happy, I love music, I sing, I dance, I write, I like shows and going on random adventures...Making other people happy and feel beautiful or good about themselves is my favorite thing in the world. I dig animals, and getting tattooed. I work out, I give good back tickles, I have straight AND white teeth..
Granted, I have major flaws. Like, I take pictures of insane people discretely (never slow or obese though, that is just wrong). I am not fun to play photo hunt with bc I have ocd, and I will be quicker than you. I like my alarms to end in 6 (i.e. 5:26 am, 6:16, 8:36) yeah...awkward. I snort when I laugh hard. I sleep with whitening gum in my mouth to keep from grinding my teeth, and well bc...I whiten while I sleep...I have long nails and I just don't think I will cut them for anyone...Maybe an iphone...but that's it. I don't sneeze in public. I don't know how to whistle..i look like I am hyperventilating when I try. I can't crack my knuckles and I want to...I cry during almost every movie. I watch Jersey Shore religiously even though I find the cast repulsive. Spiders make me cry, but I am working on it. I am a terrible driver, seriously...And I have a problem where I need to know definitions of words. I'll change my shirt about 20 times if I think I have back boobies (you know, when chicks have pudge that hangs over their bra, its gross, and I won't be one of em). And, unless my back is tickled, I take forever to fall asleep.
NOW. To me...these might be slight downfalls...but...I mean...I have pictures of wonderful humans, I always place top score on photo hunt (with the exception of HEDO KIDS #1 @ doyles in tuckerton which team hedo kids killers tried for 3 weeks to beat...im still not over it...)...My alarms, well, that's just kind of bonkers. I have uber white teeth, never have bad breath, not even morning breath really. My nails feel nice, you're welcome. I will never snot on you. The whistle thing, yeah, that'll probably end bad for me if there is ever an emergency...but, moving on. I won't have boney arthritic hands when I am older. There's nothing good about Jersey Shore. Spiders, Idk...Im getting pretty ballsy these days and takin em out a little quicker...but then I feel bad and get scared their fam is gonna plan a witch hunt and track me down and put me into cardiac arrest :/ The driving thing, I hope to find a man that likes driving. And if I can meet someone who likes words and correcting people's grammar as much as I do, I'll be set. That if I date a man who loves to snug, I'm golden. And no back fat. Come on. THAT's a catch....pfft.
I am okay with being single. I am. Because I know when I find someone who possesses what I am looking for, AND can handle that I am an odd bird, but still kinda cute...then it will be worth it.
I'm not beat for having a new re-laysh status on fbook every two weeks with goobers in Volusia County bc I am weeding through boyfriends looking for Mr. Right. And I am also not searching for Mr. Tonight.
Besides, I am pretty sure the relationship I have now with LA Fitness is better and more gratifying than any previous courtship I've had. The gym makes me feel good, makes me look good. It gives me confidence, and strength. I can clear my head, and leave feeling like a million dollllas. I am good to the gym, yet it doesn't shit on me. Who'd a thunk it!? :)
Seeing as it has been so long, and I have gotten a few emails asking where my blogsss at....this one can be a little longer today...with my fave topic of the week, which my gf Nat actually touched on her status today...
Here's a shout out booboo
Status: "FUCK! I wish I had a good looking, smart, money oriented, nice, awesome dude for a boyfriend, so I could make him look like an asshole in front of his friends, and treat him like a jerkoff... is that what im doing wrong?" --Natalie
I say this all the time. It makes me fucking crazy when I see fine lookin dudes out, being super nice, and their gfs are these mousy broads with no fashion sense whatsoever...and I hear them just make fun of the guy. These chicks do it right in public, in front of friends, and family, I can't even imagine the shit that is said behind closed doors. Yes, men DEF treat chicks like dirt too sometimes. I know, most of my exes idears of manners were trying not to finish in 30 secs. (Ouch, sorry :) ) However, being a single girl who would love a legit good guy in my life, and would be good to him, it irks my nerves.
I want to judo chop girls in the throat when I hear them tell a man to "shut up"...and not in a fun loving hehe shut upp, kinda way. When I hear girls tell a guy they are stupid...It makes me cringe. Fact of the matter is, you should be with someone who respects you, who loves the quirky things about you, and your jokes and how you dress...Not someone who is going to put you down.
So, all in all. That was my rant.
Re-cap...
I am addicted to the gym.
I am lonely, but nevertheless, okay with it...Because why look for something when it'll just simply come when the time is right.
Good looking dudes need to dump manipulative smuts.
Crazy people photograph well.
And, I am happy. :)
The.End.
P.S. I <3 TANK :) Miss you girls.
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