I will be here, home, alone, with my 3 pups, like a crazy dog lady at midnight.
I will kiss mommy's little man at 12 am...and be completely content. Midnight starts the rest of my life..a little more than a year to the end of mankind supposedly...aw sookie sookie now!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Kissless on New Years Eve?
As if being alone on Thanksgiving and working through Christmas wasn't bad enough, let's throw in a holiday at the tail end of the year celebrating change and transition into a newer, healthier, and hopefully happy year, by putting a SHIT TON of emphasis on a new year's eve kiss.
As I recollect my past few years on this annual occasion, I find a deep inconsistency...2005 into 2006 I spent with my ex and our friends while in highschool. Drunk, belligerent, ya know, that good good kinda evening. 2006 into 2007 I ate my first half a zanex, drank mass amounts of miller lite, jager, and champagne and spent the latter half of the evening either vomitting blood in a sink while Jen held my hair back, or singing Eve's Love is Blind rap on the toilet while urinating with the water running (shy bladder) with mascara blackened tears streaming down my face accompanied by a priceless smile. 2007 into 2008 I blew an entire gram of coke up my nose, marking my new years resolution to stop doing drugs, drank about a bottle of stoli raz, kissed my ultimate enemy at midnight... (a big tall dumb bitch who I almost curb stomped at least once a week for two years after to come)...blacked out, and woke up next to Tracy Carbone (not a fail.) 2008 into 2009 was spent singing rockband with my entire CT family shwasted off of ultimate margaritas and teaching my cousins the stanky leg...2009 into 2010 was spent working, then going to my ex bfs house (also my apartment...we had split a month prior)...getting ready in front of him before we went separate ways...I figured I was going to be wearing a serious booby shirt that needed tape to keep my little twins in, and if he saw how great I looked he'd clearly want me back...yes well, I caught a ride back to his apartment around 1:15 am...spent the night with him having filthy drunken new years relations, and we got back together...odd....and now tonight...2010 is a wrap...and I have no solid plans except to eat dinner with friends.
To be honest, as much as a grade school makeout sesh would be mildly appropriate tonight, I don't want some dirt mcgirt random joe shmo to touch me tonight...I'd much rather pee at midnight, or sneeze at midnight ensuring no one comes near me (and everyone knows i have OCD and DONT sneeze in public)..or id rather kiss a fat lonely dude on the cheek at midnight, or just throw back a shot of patron!
I think New Years Eve kisses are rad and shit, but that person becomes the first thing of 2011...that memory is your first experience in a BRAND NEW YEAR!
What if I find a boy and kiss him, and he tongue rapes my mouth...or a guy who skips the lips and goes straight for a saliva homerun? What if he has bad breath? What if he has gingivitis?! What if his gum gets caught on my gum? What if he has herpes!?!??
Do I REALLY want herpes at midnight!?
All signs point to hell no.
The fact of the matter is, and the moral of this story is...
Tonight, if you are single, or kissless...fucking embrace it. This just means that you are so badass, that you don't NEED a kiss like a whiney little oh woe is me bitch...Celebrate that you are going into 2011 independent and ready to take on the world...that you are strong enough ALONE to start a new year...and if you are lonely, than this a night to transition into a more positive mental attitude, preparing your head, heart, and soul for a new year that cannot be broken...This is a time to say goodnight to the past, and happy new year to your future. YOU decide what comes in 2011, 2011 doesn't...and shit, enjoy it, we might all burst into flames next year anyway.
So tonight, if you're kissin', then kiss on babies! And happy new year!
And if you're not, then props, it isnt a bad thing.
P.S. I talk a big game but I'll prob end up makin out with a fat chick <3 happy new years!
As I recollect my past few years on this annual occasion, I find a deep inconsistency...2005 into 2006 I spent with my ex and our friends while in highschool. Drunk, belligerent, ya know, that good good kinda evening. 2006 into 2007 I ate my first half a zanex, drank mass amounts of miller lite, jager, and champagne and spent the latter half of the evening either vomitting blood in a sink while Jen held my hair back, or singing Eve's Love is Blind rap on the toilet while urinating with the water running (shy bladder) with mascara blackened tears streaming down my face accompanied by a priceless smile. 2007 into 2008 I blew an entire gram of coke up my nose, marking my new years resolution to stop doing drugs, drank about a bottle of stoli raz, kissed my ultimate enemy at midnight... (a big tall dumb bitch who I almost curb stomped at least once a week for two years after to come)...blacked out, and woke up next to Tracy Carbone (not a fail.) 2008 into 2009 was spent singing rockband with my entire CT family shwasted off of ultimate margaritas and teaching my cousins the stanky leg...2009 into 2010 was spent working, then going to my ex bfs house (also my apartment...we had split a month prior)...getting ready in front of him before we went separate ways...I figured I was going to be wearing a serious booby shirt that needed tape to keep my little twins in, and if he saw how great I looked he'd clearly want me back...yes well, I caught a ride back to his apartment around 1:15 am...spent the night with him having filthy drunken new years relations, and we got back together...odd....and now tonight...2010 is a wrap...and I have no solid plans except to eat dinner with friends.
To be honest, as much as a grade school makeout sesh would be mildly appropriate tonight, I don't want some dirt mcgirt random joe shmo to touch me tonight...I'd much rather pee at midnight, or sneeze at midnight ensuring no one comes near me (and everyone knows i have OCD and DONT sneeze in public)..or id rather kiss a fat lonely dude on the cheek at midnight, or just throw back a shot of patron!
I think New Years Eve kisses are rad and shit, but that person becomes the first thing of 2011...that memory is your first experience in a BRAND NEW YEAR!
What if I find a boy and kiss him, and he tongue rapes my mouth...or a guy who skips the lips and goes straight for a saliva homerun? What if he has bad breath? What if he has gingivitis?! What if his gum gets caught on my gum? What if he has herpes!?!??
Do I REALLY want herpes at midnight!?
All signs point to hell no.
The fact of the matter is, and the moral of this story is...
Tonight, if you are single, or kissless...fucking embrace it. This just means that you are so badass, that you don't NEED a kiss like a whiney little oh woe is me bitch...Celebrate that you are going into 2011 independent and ready to take on the world...that you are strong enough ALONE to start a new year...and if you are lonely, than this a night to transition into a more positive mental attitude, preparing your head, heart, and soul for a new year that cannot be broken...This is a time to say goodnight to the past, and happy new year to your future. YOU decide what comes in 2011, 2011 doesn't...and shit, enjoy it, we might all burst into flames next year anyway.
So tonight, if you're kissin', then kiss on babies! And happy new year!
And if you're not, then props, it isnt a bad thing.
P.S. I talk a big game but I'll prob end up makin out with a fat chick <3 happy new years!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Please Do Not. Part II
The first section got good, quick feedback...so while I'm at it...Let's get a little more daring...
6. DO NOT, and I mean, in real talk here, EVER, when a woman is performing fellatio (ya don't know what it is? then ya prob don't catch many beejs...*don't know what a beej is? then you probably have never seen a tit before...*) PUSH her head down. Ever. And all yall biddies know what I am referring to. I don't care if you are catching a blow jay from Sasha Grey herself, NO woman wants you to forcefully push her head down on your dick. Sorry. AND, survey says, that when this has happened, it's normally a dude with an exceptionally small weiner and an unflattering ego that does NOT overcompensate for what little blueberries are growing in his patch. The end.
P.S. I am putting this out there, that if ever in this instance a male does this to me, I am going to bite your dick off and spit it in the person who raised you's face and thank them for bringing up such a dapper young man. Fucking scumtards.
7. Shave between your buttcheeks. It is uncessary because I don't want to put anything near your asshole. And if that day comes that I DO want to play with your ass, I'm sure I'm probably a bottle of tequila deep and ass hair will be the least of my concerns...And if you do do this, I don't want to baby powder your ass bc of your unbearable painful stubble for a week...jesus.
8. Get so intoxicated that your dick stops working. i.e. Whiskey dick. ...It's never cute...and while apologizing for lack of performance they are normally breathing budweiser and cig stench over top of you...fail fail...If ya wanna get laid...monitor your alcohol. Please.
Please Do Not. Part I
This section shall be self-explanatory...These are things that have happened and have been said...All direct quotes or actions from a REAL LIFE experience...
Men and Women can relate to some of these I'm sure so I'll make them general....
(And if you read this and questions yourself "wait...was that me?"...chances are it was. Woops.
PLEASE DO NOT:
1. Please do not ask how sex is, whilst engaging in the act... (not referring to dirty talk, i.e. "you like that?")...When you are asking with an paining insecurity in your voice...its a big turn off. Get confident, watch a porno, go to therapy, I don't care, but don't bug me about if you're doing things right to the point where it becomes a fucking conversation...ridiculous.
2. Don't name your dick. Please. Just don't.
"8 inches of hate"
"Italian Stallion"
"Little guy" -- <--BAHAHAHAHA yep. True life.
"Sau-seege" (kinda funny)
3. Invite me over at an odd hour of the night and INTRODUCE me to ANYONE. I'm sorry. But if you are not my boyfriend, or someone who I could potentially spend a lot of time with I DO NOT want to meet your mom your dad your gramma your child your neighbor your best friends...I'll meet your dog if its a badass bc Im a sucker for dogs...but shit...and ESPECIALLY after 10 pm, its just poor manners. Oh, and if you live with your parents still and are trying to give the business to someone, don't bring them back home and say "we have to be quiet hehe"....SYKE....go back to sophmore year you pussies.
4. Burp WHILE making out...YEAH. Accidents happen, especially when you are drinking. Say excuse me god forbid...But if you are mid tongue wrestle and burp INTO my mouth and DONT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT...then ring the bell, round over, KO, you're done, goodbye, did you eat hotdogs? fuck you. Grody grody.
5. No girl likes her nips pinched like a crab. The end.
To be continued...
Men and Women can relate to some of these I'm sure so I'll make them general....
(And if you read this and questions yourself "wait...was that me?"...chances are it was. Woops.
PLEASE DO NOT:
1. Please do not ask how sex is, whilst engaging in the act... (not referring to dirty talk, i.e. "you like that?")...When you are asking with an paining insecurity in your voice...its a big turn off. Get confident, watch a porno, go to therapy, I don't care, but don't bug me about if you're doing things right to the point where it becomes a fucking conversation...ridiculous.
2. Don't name your dick. Please. Just don't.
"8 inches of hate"
"Italian Stallion"
"Little guy" -- <--BAHAHAHAHA yep. True life.
"Sau-seege" (kinda funny)
3. Invite me over at an odd hour of the night and INTRODUCE me to ANYONE. I'm sorry. But if you are not my boyfriend, or someone who I could potentially spend a lot of time with I DO NOT want to meet your mom your dad your gramma your child your neighbor your best friends...I'll meet your dog if its a badass bc Im a sucker for dogs...but shit...and ESPECIALLY after 10 pm, its just poor manners. Oh, and if you live with your parents still and are trying to give the business to someone, don't bring them back home and say "we have to be quiet hehe"....SYKE....go back to sophmore year you pussies.
4. Burp WHILE making out...YEAH. Accidents happen, especially when you are drinking. Say excuse me god forbid...But if you are mid tongue wrestle and burp INTO my mouth and DONT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT...then ring the bell, round over, KO, you're done, goodbye, did you eat hotdogs? fuck you. Grody grody.
5. No girl likes her nips pinched like a crab. The end.
To be continued...
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Name Game.
For 2 years now, any guy I was interested in got a special name in my phone.
No one had their REAL name in my phone unless I actually cared about them...My ex that I lived with, Had his name with a <3 next to it...And besides him only one human being got the privilege of having their real name on my phone.
In turn, only one human after my ex I actually cared about to the point of butterflies...but that naturally blew up in my face the second I felt any sort of emotion...
Anywho...I thought I would share some name that emerged in my old Verizon cell phone I just found from my summer in NJ....wowza...
E $
Black Magic
Ginger Snap
Woah
No Sleepover
Handsome
Fuck You
Huffy <3
Fail
Idk how to feel about that...
No one had their REAL name in my phone unless I actually cared about them...My ex that I lived with, Had his name with a <3 next to it...And besides him only one human being got the privilege of having their real name on my phone.
In turn, only one human after my ex I actually cared about to the point of butterflies...but that naturally blew up in my face the second I felt any sort of emotion...
Anywho...I thought I would share some name that emerged in my old Verizon cell phone I just found from my summer in NJ....wowza...
E $
Black Magic
Ginger Snap
Woah
No Sleepover
Handsome
Fuck You
Huffy <3
Fail
Idk how to feel about that...
Tony Bagga-Douche
There are many qualities I find attractive in men, but there are three, that when combined, form an almost, three strikes you're out kinda scenario.
If you are a cop, I think it is sexy...HOWEVER, with the exception of a few, you all have earned the "Beat or cheat" title from about 99% of the female population.
If you are Italian, I think it is sexy...HOWEVER, if your mother pretty much wipes your ass for you, you are lazy and blame it on being an Italian male, or you refer to yourself and/or dick as the Italian Stallion, you are a fucking loser.
If you are from NY, I think it is sexy...HOWEVER, blowouts, gold chains resembling a Mr. T inspired trend, and constant "I'm from NY" jibber jabber, there is a good chance I'll roundhouse kick you...
Now, put the three together...FAIL.
I put my dreams of a tall, muscular, tattooed, music nut with a career and home and car on hold, to go out with my first real Italian boy in years...A newbie cop so he doesn't know how much of a shithead he's going to be yet...NY...so he shares the whole north quality with me down here...
I thought he was a good guy...but...in reality...he was dumber than a bag of rocks...
I felt like I was teaching at Sylvan Learning Center when we watched a movie together.
I thought I could look past it because he had a big...heart.
No really, he did. He was so sweet...Dumb...but sweet.
I like hanging out with him.
Things got romantical...I wont lie...
And thats when Dumby pulled out all the stops...
"oh man. I'm so nervous. I haven't had a chick over in like a week or two"....................fail
"ever used a cock ring with a dude?"...............fail
"shit, got a charlie horse".......................fail
"you really don't have any cavities in your teeth, lemme get my phone ill show you all my fillings"................game over.
Dear Tony Bagga-Douche...Please, for the love of God, keep juicing...your nuts are not the only things shrinking, your poor brain is as well. Good Luck.
If you are a cop, I think it is sexy...HOWEVER, with the exception of a few, you all have earned the "Beat or cheat" title from about 99% of the female population.
If you are Italian, I think it is sexy...HOWEVER, if your mother pretty much wipes your ass for you, you are lazy and blame it on being an Italian male, or you refer to yourself and/or dick as the Italian Stallion, you are a fucking loser.
If you are from NY, I think it is sexy...HOWEVER, blowouts, gold chains resembling a Mr. T inspired trend, and constant "I'm from NY" jibber jabber, there is a good chance I'll roundhouse kick you...
Now, put the three together...FAIL.
I put my dreams of a tall, muscular, tattooed, music nut with a career and home and car on hold, to go out with my first real Italian boy in years...A newbie cop so he doesn't know how much of a shithead he's going to be yet...NY...so he shares the whole north quality with me down here...
I thought he was a good guy...but...in reality...he was dumber than a bag of rocks...
I felt like I was teaching at Sylvan Learning Center when we watched a movie together.
I thought I could look past it because he had a big...heart.
No really, he did. He was so sweet...Dumb...but sweet.
I like hanging out with him.
Things got romantical...I wont lie...
And thats when Dumby pulled out all the stops...
"oh man. I'm so nervous. I haven't had a chick over in like a week or two"....................fail
"ever used a cock ring with a dude?"...............fail
"shit, got a charlie horse".......................fail
"you really don't have any cavities in your teeth, lemme get my phone ill show you all my fillings"................game over.
Dear Tony Bagga-Douche...Please, for the love of God, keep juicing...your nuts are not the only things shrinking, your poor brain is as well. Good Luck.
Blind Date: Take One.
Plenty of Fish.
Heard of it?
Free online dating website.
Lotsssssss of people are joining these days.
T-Classy & I made a profile when I first moved to FL, because I wanted to make new friends, maybe meet a nice fella.
Fast forward through 25+ creepy emails a day.
A man, we'll call him, Dipshit, emailed me.
Now, the header of the email read "I just got a new soccer ball"...
The inside read, "We should kick it sometime"...
Uh huh, you just said to yourself, heh, that's kinda funny I guess...
Yep. I thought it was witty too.
Dipshit and I emailed back and forth a few times, and exchanged digits. I'd be meeting him at this sick little joint in Downtown Orlando that night...at a bar that was just my speed, almost Philly-esque.
Dipshit called to check my ETA, and I noticed his voice sounded odd. He DEF wasn't from Florida...I had just visited Boston a few weeks prior *with a gentleman who was very sweet to me, and I bailed...life story...sorry Bud :/ ...musta been the Red Sox thing*...and he sounded almost like he ordered drinks from the BAHH and drove a CAHH...or like fucking Minnesota or something (p.s. yeah he was from fucking Minnesota...who the fuck is from there besides the Vikings? That's the team right? Anywho)...my belly started to hurt after hearing his creeper voice on the phone but at this point I was parking my car. He told me he'd be in a green hoodie and that he would meet me at my car...(poor Lola...for what her eyes were about to see!)..
Side note: earlier that day I made Ashley check out Dipshit's profile...we mutually agreed he had a big head, so true story...I messaged him asking him to wear a hat out so that I could find him easier...(fucking vikings hat, what a fucktard....AND he took it off revealing a big ol' Jimmy Neutron head)...
I got out of my car...keys between my knuckles...ya know...in case he tried to taze me or something...and I hear him shout as he walked with a swag that only Tyrone Biggem posesses..."AYYYY NEW JERSEY NIKKKKKIII"...
My heart dropped...and not in a good way..and that's when it happened...he wrapped his arms around me and pushed me against poor Lola, and stuck his tongue RIGHT into my mouth!...No hi, hello, how are you? No gentle hand shake or kiss on cheek...he gave me a strept throat test immediately!
Did you punch him? you ask.
Did you jump in your car? you wonder.
I was parked on a DARK street...45 mins from home...with a stranger...I decided that shanking him was dangerous because if I didn't cut him deep enough he'd probably beat me, molest me, and throw me in the dumpster like old chinese food.
"Let's go inside.."...I suggested, praying he wouldn't fucking touch me again.
We sat down at the bar in front of a gorgeous bartender. I was wayyy more into him than Dipshit, obvi.
Dipshit told me I was "fucking hott", my tattoos were "off the chain"..that he goes to bars that are "poppin off"...That pint of redbull vodka went down soooo quick....and so did my patience...especially when he sat back and looked me up and down, motioning a curvacious body with his hands and said "This...I like dis" insinuating I have a fat ass...Thanks..."Uhhh I'm not that fat.." WOOPS!!! Didn't know me saying that was gonna get this response...
"Yeah I like fat chicks sometimes. Sometimes I be out and I'll see a fat chick with a cute face and I look at my boys and Im like aww yah...gonna fuck a thick bitch tonight"...
"oh, yes, perfect, fucking thick bitches..good"....
Somewhere in between my second redbull and vodka he mentioned "titty bars"...
"Man titty bars around here suck. If im payin for a lapdance i expect a titty in my mouth not this dancin two feet in front of me shit"...
CHECK PLEASE?!
I said I was tired and I should get going...he said he'd go to the bathroom and brb...my first thought was RUN NIK...fucking RUN!...but the writer/comedian in me thought...I bet this story will get better....(for those of you reading this right now, that is PURE fucking dedication to my writing career, putting my life in danger with a potential serial POF ass raper)
There were really sexy boys sitting to the right of me...covered in tattoos...clearly in a band...and here I am...Dipshit's lucky flavor of the week...god...
As he walked out of the bathroom he proceeded to lick my neck from right to left...
He asked if i'd be sleeping over...I said no.
"i promise i wont try to fuck you"...
I said no...
he then made an announcement he was gonna go makeout with me at my car....my keys went back between my knuckles...he hugged me and said good night and we should "get it up this week"...i assumed he meant go out this week but...judging this trainwreck's character he probably meant his dick....he went in for another strept throat test but i managed to duck my head into lola at the perfect time..."i'll call you he said"...as I slammed the door...
I waited til he was around the corner before I put my switchblade away that I grabbed from the glovebox as soon as my ass hit the interior....and then as I put my car into drive and typed HOME into the gps...I burst into tears...
Here I was. Alone in FL. 18-25 hours from all the people I love...and resorting to meeting Psychoshits off the internet? Then I started hysterical laughing...because my God, this nutty bonkers bullshit will make me famous some day...
Then next day I changed my ring tone to the sound of the psycho movie music *REE REE REE REE* you know it....
As I was doing my hair and makeup...the ring went off...Incoming Call From DIPSHIT...
It was like a horror movie!!!
Voicemail: AYY yo nikki what up its Dipshit, bet ya cant stop thinkin bout me and the best date ever he-haaaaaaa-anyways! wanted to see if u wanna get it in this week. call me.
..I blocked his phone number and emails...
He's clearly the one that got away.
Heard of it?
Free online dating website.
Lotsssssss of people are joining these days.
T-Classy & I made a profile when I first moved to FL, because I wanted to make new friends, maybe meet a nice fella.
Fast forward through 25+ creepy emails a day.
A man, we'll call him, Dipshit, emailed me.
Now, the header of the email read "I just got a new soccer ball"...
The inside read, "We should kick it sometime"...
Uh huh, you just said to yourself, heh, that's kinda funny I guess...
Yep. I thought it was witty too.
Dipshit and I emailed back and forth a few times, and exchanged digits. I'd be meeting him at this sick little joint in Downtown Orlando that night...at a bar that was just my speed, almost Philly-esque.
Dipshit called to check my ETA, and I noticed his voice sounded odd. He DEF wasn't from Florida...I had just visited Boston a few weeks prior *with a gentleman who was very sweet to me, and I bailed...life story...sorry Bud :/ ...musta been the Red Sox thing*...and he sounded almost like he ordered drinks from the BAHH and drove a CAHH...or like fucking Minnesota or something (p.s. yeah he was from fucking Minnesota...who the fuck is from there besides the Vikings? That's the team right? Anywho)...my belly started to hurt after hearing his creeper voice on the phone but at this point I was parking my car. He told me he'd be in a green hoodie and that he would meet me at my car...(poor Lola...for what her eyes were about to see!)..
Side note: earlier that day I made Ashley check out Dipshit's profile...we mutually agreed he had a big head, so true story...I messaged him asking him to wear a hat out so that I could find him easier...(fucking vikings hat, what a fucktard....AND he took it off revealing a big ol' Jimmy Neutron head)...
I got out of my car...keys between my knuckles...ya know...in case he tried to taze me or something...and I hear him shout as he walked with a swag that only Tyrone Biggem posesses..."AYYYY NEW JERSEY NIKKKKKIII"...
My heart dropped...and not in a good way..and that's when it happened...he wrapped his arms around me and pushed me against poor Lola, and stuck his tongue RIGHT into my mouth!...No hi, hello, how are you? No gentle hand shake or kiss on cheek...he gave me a strept throat test immediately!
Did you punch him? you ask.
Did you jump in your car? you wonder.
I was parked on a DARK street...45 mins from home...with a stranger...I decided that shanking him was dangerous because if I didn't cut him deep enough he'd probably beat me, molest me, and throw me in the dumpster like old chinese food.
"Let's go inside.."...I suggested, praying he wouldn't fucking touch me again.
We sat down at the bar in front of a gorgeous bartender. I was wayyy more into him than Dipshit, obvi.
Dipshit told me I was "fucking hott", my tattoos were "off the chain"..that he goes to bars that are "poppin off"...That pint of redbull vodka went down soooo quick....and so did my patience...especially when he sat back and looked me up and down, motioning a curvacious body with his hands and said "This...I like dis" insinuating I have a fat ass...Thanks..."Uhhh I'm not that fat.." WOOPS!!! Didn't know me saying that was gonna get this response...
"Yeah I like fat chicks sometimes. Sometimes I be out and I'll see a fat chick with a cute face and I look at my boys and Im like aww yah...gonna fuck a thick bitch tonight"...
"oh, yes, perfect, fucking thick bitches..good"....
Somewhere in between my second redbull and vodka he mentioned "titty bars"...
"Man titty bars around here suck. If im payin for a lapdance i expect a titty in my mouth not this dancin two feet in front of me shit"...
CHECK PLEASE?!
I said I was tired and I should get going...he said he'd go to the bathroom and brb...my first thought was RUN NIK...fucking RUN!...but the writer/comedian in me thought...I bet this story will get better....(for those of you reading this right now, that is PURE fucking dedication to my writing career, putting my life in danger with a potential serial POF ass raper)
There were really sexy boys sitting to the right of me...covered in tattoos...clearly in a band...and here I am...Dipshit's lucky flavor of the week...god...
As he walked out of the bathroom he proceeded to lick my neck from right to left...
He asked if i'd be sleeping over...I said no.
"i promise i wont try to fuck you"...
I said no...
he then made an announcement he was gonna go makeout with me at my car....my keys went back between my knuckles...he hugged me and said good night and we should "get it up this week"...i assumed he meant go out this week but...judging this trainwreck's character he probably meant his dick....he went in for another strept throat test but i managed to duck my head into lola at the perfect time..."i'll call you he said"...as I slammed the door...
I waited til he was around the corner before I put my switchblade away that I grabbed from the glovebox as soon as my ass hit the interior....and then as I put my car into drive and typed HOME into the gps...I burst into tears...
Here I was. Alone in FL. 18-25 hours from all the people I love...and resorting to meeting Psychoshits off the internet? Then I started hysterical laughing...because my God, this nutty bonkers bullshit will make me famous some day...
Then next day I changed my ring tone to the sound of the psycho movie music *REE REE REE REE* you know it....
As I was doing my hair and makeup...the ring went off...Incoming Call From DIPSHIT...
It was like a horror movie!!!
Voicemail: AYY yo nikki what up its Dipshit, bet ya cant stop thinkin bout me and the best date ever he-haaaaaaa-anyways! wanted to see if u wanna get it in this week. call me.
..I blocked his phone number and emails...
He's clearly the one that got away.
Risky Business.
I have been through hell and back when it comes to men, dating, relationships, heartbreak, heartbreaking, dumb mistakes, epic memories, laughs, tears, fun, anger, abuse, sex, love, hate, more sex, complications, lies, cheating, happiness, pigs, etc.
What started as a few poor relationships, turned into more poor relationships, into a low self esteem, a few good flings, great men passed up, shitty men passed out, mind fucks, bad fucks, sadness, loneliness, and a summer leaving an emptiness inside of me that I knew I was finally ready to fill. Love.
I gave up on love two years ago, rightfully so, given the circumstances I was put through, or put myself through for individuals in my life who brought me nothing but pain and deception. I retaliated not at them, but at myself, by putting up what could only be defined as a steel wall around my heart. That wall does not come down, because every time I would begin to finally trust someone again, I was disappointed.
At some points I would literally go out and find a guy who I KNEW would not want to wife me up or want any type of commitment because then I wouldn't have to deal with the drama of another bullshit relationship. And when good guys would pretty much offer me the world, I would run the opposite way...luckily for them I am like Good Luck Chuck...all of the guys I rejected due to my own self loathing on the love front are pretty much in the best relationships ever now after I peaced out of their lives like a bat out of hell leaving nothing but unanswered questions and probably an earring or monroe piercing ball in their bed.
At some points I actually let my friends pick my potential "dates"...It was a game to me. And I hate games when it comes to other people's emotions, but I was broken. I didn't care. A few of my best friends have (this is real life, they know who they are) picked guys and said, "I wanna live vicariously through you, date him"...100% of the time...I did.
I want to believe in love again. I want to believe that I deserve it, and not put myself through torture by meeting slobs because I think I don't deserve an amazing man. I've come a long way. I am a hard ass worker. I bust my ass 7 days a week to be who I am, and the past few months for the first time I 10000% love who I am. I am a fucking bad ass in reality. My friends and my family know I would do absolutely anything for them...My career is my life...And I live to take care of others. The men in my life who I did let in, all to this day would still say I was amazing to them, and was a great girlfriend, best friend, lover.
I've been dealt an awful hand at the love game, but I am a positive bird, and through everything I have managed to shrug off the bullshit and make light of the negatives that arose...in fact...in hindsight I have wonderful stories that I can now share...I wont name names...but this is for all you women to see that men really can be the dumbest pieces of shit in the world, that some can be the absolute sweetest and STILL women don't appreciate them (stupid girls we are sometimes)...and that men, when you do dumb shit to or with a girl...make sure she wasn't in the process of writing a book about sex..ya herb! <3
What started as a few poor relationships, turned into more poor relationships, into a low self esteem, a few good flings, great men passed up, shitty men passed out, mind fucks, bad fucks, sadness, loneliness, and a summer leaving an emptiness inside of me that I knew I was finally ready to fill. Love.
I gave up on love two years ago, rightfully so, given the circumstances I was put through, or put myself through for individuals in my life who brought me nothing but pain and deception. I retaliated not at them, but at myself, by putting up what could only be defined as a steel wall around my heart. That wall does not come down, because every time I would begin to finally trust someone again, I was disappointed.
At some points I would literally go out and find a guy who I KNEW would not want to wife me up or want any type of commitment because then I wouldn't have to deal with the drama of another bullshit relationship. And when good guys would pretty much offer me the world, I would run the opposite way...luckily for them I am like Good Luck Chuck...all of the guys I rejected due to my own self loathing on the love front are pretty much in the best relationships ever now after I peaced out of their lives like a bat out of hell leaving nothing but unanswered questions and probably an earring or monroe piercing ball in their bed.
At some points I actually let my friends pick my potential "dates"...It was a game to me. And I hate games when it comes to other people's emotions, but I was broken. I didn't care. A few of my best friends have (this is real life, they know who they are) picked guys and said, "I wanna live vicariously through you, date him"...100% of the time...I did.
I want to believe in love again. I want to believe that I deserve it, and not put myself through torture by meeting slobs because I think I don't deserve an amazing man. I've come a long way. I am a hard ass worker. I bust my ass 7 days a week to be who I am, and the past few months for the first time I 10000% love who I am. I am a fucking bad ass in reality. My friends and my family know I would do absolutely anything for them...My career is my life...And I live to take care of others. The men in my life who I did let in, all to this day would still say I was amazing to them, and was a great girlfriend, best friend, lover.
I've been dealt an awful hand at the love game, but I am a positive bird, and through everything I have managed to shrug off the bullshit and make light of the negatives that arose...in fact...in hindsight I have wonderful stories that I can now share...I wont name names...but this is for all you women to see that men really can be the dumbest pieces of shit in the world, that some can be the absolute sweetest and STILL women don't appreciate them (stupid girls we are sometimes)...and that men, when you do dumb shit to or with a girl...make sure she wasn't in the process of writing a book about sex..ya herb! <3
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