Risky Business.

I have been through hell and back when it comes to men, dating, relationships, heartbreak, heartbreaking, dumb mistakes, epic memories, laughs, tears, fun, anger, abuse, sex, love, hate, more sex, complications, lies, cheating, happiness, pigs, etc.

What started as a few poor relationships, turned into more poor relationships, into a low self esteem, a few good flings, great men passed up, shitty men passed out, mind fucks, bad fucks, sadness, loneliness, and a summer leaving an emptiness inside of me that I knew I was finally ready to fill. Love.

I gave up on love two years ago, rightfully so, given the circumstances I was put through, or put myself through for individuals in my life who brought me nothing but pain and deception. I retaliated not at them, but at myself, by putting up what could only be defined as a steel wall around my heart. That wall does not come down, because every time I would begin to finally trust someone again, I was disappointed.

At some points I would literally go out and find a guy who I KNEW would not want to wife me up or want any type of commitment because then I wouldn't have to deal with the drama of another bullshit relationship. And when good guys would pretty much offer me the world, I would run the opposite way...luckily for them I am like Good Luck Chuck...all of the guys I rejected due to my own self loathing on the love front are pretty much in the best relationships ever now after I peaced out of their lives like a bat out of hell leaving nothing but unanswered questions and probably an earring or monroe piercing ball in their bed.

At some points I actually let my friends pick my potential "dates"...It was a game to me. And I hate games when it comes to other people's emotions, but I was broken. I didn't care. A few of my best friends have (this is real life, they know who they are) picked guys and said, "I wanna live vicariously through you, date him"...100% of the time...I did.

I want to believe in love again. I want to believe that I deserve it, and not put myself through torture by meeting slobs because I think I don't deserve an amazing man. I've come a long way. I am a hard ass worker. I bust my ass 7 days a week to be who I am, and the past few months for the first time I 10000% love who I am. I am a fucking bad ass in reality. My friends and my family know I would do absolutely anything for them...My career is my life...And I live to take care of others. The men in my life who I did let in, all to this day would still say I was amazing to them, and was a great girlfriend, best friend, lover.

I've been dealt an awful hand at the love game, but I am a positive bird, and through everything I have managed to shrug off the bullshit and make light of the negatives that arose...in fact...in hindsight I have wonderful stories that I can now share...I wont name names...but this is for all you women to see that men really can be the dumbest pieces of shit in the world, that some can be the absolute sweetest and STILL women don't appreciate them (stupid girls we are sometimes)...and that men, when you do dumb shit to or with a girl...make sure she wasn't in the process of writing a book about sex..ya herb! <3