Blind Date: Take One.

Plenty of Fish.

Heard of it?

Free online dating website.

Lotsssssss of people are joining these days.

T-Classy & I made a profile when I first moved to FL, because I wanted to make new friends, maybe meet a nice fella.

Fast forward through 25+ creepy emails a day.

A man, we'll call him, Dipshit, emailed me.

Now, the header of the email read "I just got a new soccer ball"...

The inside read, "We should kick it sometime"...

Uh huh, you just said to yourself, heh, that's kinda funny I guess...

Yep. I thought it was witty too.

Dipshit and I emailed back and forth a few times, and exchanged digits. I'd be meeting him at this sick little joint in Downtown Orlando that night...at a bar that was just my speed, almost Philly-esque.

Dipshit called to check my ETA, and I noticed his voice sounded odd. He DEF wasn't from Florida...I had just visited Boston a few weeks prior *with a gentleman who was very sweet to me, and I bailed...life story...sorry Bud :/ ...musta been the Red Sox thing*...and he sounded almost like he ordered drinks from the BAHH and drove a CAHH...or like fucking Minnesota or something (p.s. yeah he was from fucking Minnesota...who the fuck is from there besides the Vikings? That's the team right? Anywho)...my belly started to hurt after hearing his creeper voice on the phone but at this point I was parking my car. He told me he'd be in a green hoodie and that he would meet me at my car...(poor Lola...for what her eyes were about to see!)..

Side note: earlier that day I made Ashley check out Dipshit's profile...we mutually agreed he had a big head, so true story...I messaged him asking him to wear a hat out so that I could find him easier...(fucking vikings hat, what a fucktard....AND he took it off revealing a big ol' Jimmy Neutron head)...

I got out of my car...keys between my knuckles...ya know...in case he tried to taze me or something...and I hear him shout as he walked with a swag that only Tyrone Biggem posesses..."AYYYY NEW JERSEY NIKKKKKIII"...

My heart dropped...and not in a good way..and that's when it happened...he wrapped his arms around me and pushed me against poor Lola, and stuck his tongue RIGHT into my mouth!...No hi, hello, how are you? No gentle hand shake or kiss on cheek...he gave me a strept throat test immediately!

Did you punch him? you ask.
Did you jump in your car? you wonder.

I was parked on a DARK street...45 mins from home...with a stranger...I decided that shanking him was dangerous because if I didn't cut him deep enough he'd probably beat me, molest me, and throw me in the dumpster like old chinese food.

"Let's go inside.."...I suggested, praying he wouldn't fucking touch me again.

We sat down at the bar in front of a gorgeous bartender. I was wayyy more into him than Dipshit, obvi.
Dipshit told me I was "fucking hott", my tattoos were "off the chain"..that he goes to bars that are "poppin off"...That pint of redbull vodka went down soooo quick....and so did my patience...especially when he sat back and looked me up and down, motioning a curvacious body with his hands and said "This...I like dis" insinuating I have a fat ass...Thanks..."Uhhh I'm not that fat.." WOOPS!!! Didn't know me saying that was gonna get this response...
"Yeah I like fat chicks sometimes. Sometimes I be out and I'll see a fat chick with a cute face and I look at my boys and Im like aww yah...gonna fuck a thick bitch tonight"...

"oh, yes, perfect, fucking thick bitches..good"....

Somewhere in between my second redbull and vodka he mentioned "titty bars"...

"Man titty bars around here suck. If im payin for a lapdance i expect a titty in my mouth not this dancin two feet in front of me shit"...

CHECK PLEASE?!

I said I was tired and I should get going...he said he'd go to the bathroom and brb...my first thought was RUN NIK...fucking RUN!...but the writer/comedian in me thought...I bet this story will get better....(for those of you reading this right now, that is PURE fucking dedication to my writing career, putting my life in danger with a potential serial POF ass raper)

There were really sexy boys sitting to the right of me...covered in tattoos...clearly in a band...and here I am...Dipshit's lucky flavor of the week...god...

As he walked out of the bathroom he proceeded to lick my neck from right to left...
He asked if i'd be sleeping over...I said no.
"i promise i wont try to fuck you"...
I said no...

he then made an announcement he was gonna go makeout with me at my car....my keys went back between my knuckles...he hugged me and said good night and we should "get it up this week"...i assumed he meant go out this week but...judging this trainwreck's character he probably meant his dick....he went in for another strept throat test but i managed to duck my head into lola at the perfect time..."i'll call you he said"...as I slammed the door...

I waited til he was around the corner before I put my switchblade away that I grabbed from the glovebox as soon as my ass hit the interior....and then as I put my car into drive and typed HOME into the gps...I burst into tears...

Here I was. Alone in FL. 18-25 hours from all the people I love...and resorting to meeting Psychoshits off the internet? Then I started hysterical laughing...because my God, this nutty bonkers bullshit will make me famous some day...




Then next day I changed my ring tone to the sound of the psycho movie music *REE REE REE REE* you know it....
As I was doing my hair and makeup...the ring went off...Incoming Call From DIPSHIT...
It was like a horror movie!!!

Voicemail: AYY yo nikki what up its Dipshit, bet ya cant stop thinkin bout me and the best date ever he-haaaaaaa-anyways! wanted to see if u wanna get it in this week. call me.




..I blocked his phone number and emails...

He's clearly the one that got away.