Haven't written in days, because I was waiting for the week to really sink in before I could write about it.
I met a buddy at the gym last week and we got on the topic of why I won't settle down. And it made me think.
Well who would?
I have been through enough terrible relationships where I was a doormat, where I was treated like a bottom of the barrel bitch by men I did everything for. And once it was over, they KNEW they fucked up. They STILL know, they fucked up.
But at this point I find men and the stories that come out of them super exciting.
For instance. I went on a blind date friday night. My week was shitty, and homeboy was persuasive that upon meeting him, he could most definitely make me smile.
I don't like first dates. At all. Just go out and have fun with someone, if ya click, ya click. The end.
But...I took a chance because I was feelin a little low.
Now, all of these following examples, are 100% factual...and I clearly have no shame and that is why I can admit it.
TOP REASONS WHY YOU AND NIKKI FERRONE ARE NOT GOING ON DATE # 2.
1- An hour prior to the date, this human, we'll call him, Evo, (that's what he drove, one of the only charming things about him) he sends me a text saying how he loves a natural girl, who wears jeans and a t shirt out and a pony tail and hardly any makeup....................
I am sorry, but Nikki Ferrone will ALWAYS be a fan of makeup....not only is it how I earn a living, but it is something that has always made me happy, and it always will. I will always rock the fuck out of a smokey eye better than any North Jersey Guido Mami bitch and pull it off wherever I go. You don't like it? Don't look at it. I sure as hell am not holding a 9 mm to your dome and saying "please! look at my makeup!"...Second off, Jeans and a T shirt...I rock skinny jeans and T's all the time, granted I do a lil at home alterations and normally cut the collar off my shirts to let my neck breath and channel a little Debbie Harry vibe...But I in no way, shape, or form, would be caught dead downtown, or back in NJ in AC or something wearing a t shirt and jeans....its NOT ME. Third, my hair is short. My ponytail that I have tried growing for 6 months now, is less than an inch long! Oyy..Shoulda been my first clue.
2- He called me Snooki...Enough Said....and that was BEFORE he met me. He called me Jersey shore when he actually met me, mainly because he probably knew that I had a knife in my clutch that I would've cut his ass with without hesitation if he did call me Snooki.
3- Once we go into his car, he reached for his wallet....and magically, it was gone. He lived a ways a way so the first half of the date was an awkward ride an hour to the gas station he went to before he came to meet me. My first thought was, yo, this guy is gangster as hell if he just pulled the, forgot the ol' wallet trick. My second thought was, oh awesome, we are driving an hour so no one knows I am dead and chopped up into nikki kabobs because this bro fixin to kill me.
4- When arriving at the gas stations in East Jabip, he stood up and WOW. The wallet appears under his ass shoved in the seat...So now, not only are you insulting, but you are a fucking dipshit too.
5- CONVERSATIONAL FAILS:
- Mentioning his last relationship ended three weeks ago. Was 2 1/2 years long. He caught her cheating the past 8 months, but she's actively trying to get him back, fail
*most awkward 20 mins of my life listening to this shit from beginning to end...however, by the end of the date it was apparent why she cheated on you.*
- Got the "me and my dad don't get along" half hour shpeel
- He told me he didn't have his first drink til his 21st birthday......................................If you are straightedge, that is badass and I respect it...If you are just fucking lame, I don't. Shit. My girl at work was like, are you sure you don't wanna cancel and go meet up with your friends downtown who LIKE to drink and have fun...That idear would've made more sense.
-When asked what my fave alcoholic beverage was, I said "vodka club, extra limes"...and his response was "
GAGS"...what? In what fucking universe is vodka, CALORIE FREE club soda, and a delicious citrus fruit considered gag material!? sorry I don't sip on Mikes Hard Lemonade while wearing no makeup and a ponytail ya herb.
-He told me he has had sex with less than 10 women his entire life, and expressed that this made him feel sleezy because his number is so high...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I cringed. You poor, poor man...You think you slutty because you banged out 7-8 girls in 23 years...well then you and I will never, ever, ever, see eye to eye.
-He's had two girlfriends his whole life, and talked about them the whole time. I can tell you what they look like, how old, their names, their dogs' names..................yup
6-The date...................Bowling. Hey. Bowling is fun. But not when you go with someone who wants to do it COMPETITIVELY and SOBER. fuck.
Now, mind you, we all know I rock some dagger length nails, I always have, I am not gonna change. Look at my pics when I am 16 years old. I have rad hair, long nails, super brown skin, super white teeth, it is whoooo I am.... I simply say, oh shit, bowling...good thing I'm getting my nails done tomorrow so idc if I jack em up...
"well jersey shore, if they weren't so fucking long"..................What I wanted to say, if I had my vehicle close by and didn't need to be concerned on how I'd get home...was Hey you dumb fucking redneck just because I know who I am and like it no matter what narrowminded herbs like you think, doesn't mean ya gotta belittle me....instead I am pretty sure I just said "yo, get off my dick"---- (at this point acting like a charming lady was probably out the window, especially if there wasn't going to be liquor involved)
7- I bowled the first turn, looking adorable in skinny jeans and old school bowling shoes. I did atrocious. Then I proceeded to granny shoot it, and got a spare...When here comes bowling pro 2011 with a left arm curveball, strike.....................COOL, you took me to play a game where you know you will win...jesus. I let all my reservations about fucking a nail up out the door and I bowled like a champ..I gave no shits about what I looked like as long as I beat this shitbird. I did awful the first game...Got an 88...which is my highest score ever....second game however, i started to win and he started being mean to me....Homeboy was all smiles til I started winning.
8- He called me a sandbagger. Im like a what?? He's like you know when someone claims they suck at something but really they are fucking lying and are great...WOW
9- He asked me what I wanted to drink (and to prevent myself from looking like an Alc-y tryna drink away her annoyances) and I said well what are you getting (hoping he'd say two vegas bombs and a whiskey on the rocks, you?)..and he responded "Um, a water? Why, lemme guess, you want vodka club with EXTRA limes, ugh"......................................................."nope. water sounds amazing"...............at this point i looked at my phone to see texts from a human I would've much rather been out with...someone who actually likes things about me....fail
10- He then proceeded to get mad, come back fierce and win the next two games...he told me I was too tan. He said my teeth nails and makeup were glowing under the blacklights, and that if I was trying to not let people know where I was from, I was doing a bad job...I love being tan, having white teeth (would u prefer my teeth be doo doo brown?), and looking beautiful. It is what I am.
11- Saying Buddhism is worse than being Catholic............
Needless to say, I brought the evening to a close and proceeded to drive around aimlessly thinking about how atrocious my luck is with the assclowns I meet. Evo and I haven't spoken since. I think when he looked in my car and saw the pile of clothing and hair and tanning products on my passenger seat (i changed at work and have my gym bag and work clothes bag amongst hair products bc dur dah dur I do hair...) and it resembled a hobo's love den, that was his final straw for me. Unfortunately my last straw for him was an hour before I met him.
I used to think what I want didn't exist...I liked when I thought it didn't...because knowing it does, and knowing ya can't quite get it right now, is more frustrating.
To all my single babes out there...Continue NOT settling...Otherwise you will end up with someone like EVO...
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
On a lighter note.
I was called cynical by a friend yesterday. I said cynical about me?
He said no, you tend to tear guys a new asshole in your blog.
I would like to say that I tear everyone making dimwitted mistakes a new one, men, women, everyone.
Women are just as guilty as accidentally catching their tooth on a man's shaft during a beej as a man is of the old WOOPS dolphin cry trick. I mean, lets get real people.
I am simply here to compile my stories with many others' men and women alike. I am the girl everyone seems to trust, so I hear allllll the best stories...leaving nothing to the imagination, and it boggles me the extent of nutty bonkers that humans go to in sex and relationships.
Some men like their balls pulled, to the point where you feel as though their scrotum is going to detach. Am I faulting them for that? Nope, but I am in essence leaving this image burned in the brain of women who at least 50% of them now will, the next time in bed, tug a dude's nuts.
Some women ink with the ol' come hither oral sex trick, in essence, at least 50% of men reading this who secretly fucking hate themselves cuz they don't know if their chick is faking the overly boisterous orgasms, will try and see.
Some men have a soft spot for women with nails, and by nails I mean scratching their backs.
Some women only suggest being on top when the sex is so-so and she wants to TCOB. If this sounds familiar, my bad :)
Tearing a new asshole, OR, making your sex and relationships better!? :)
Making history, one day at a time.
WOMP
I am more than tired of hearing from men how great I am. (I know, woe is me right?) ...But truly. I hear, a lot, from men in FL and still NJ how smart I am, how pretty I am, how successful I have become, how independent I am, how loving and caring and helpful I try to be, how sexy I can act, how honest I am....
YET,
I go out and find the ones who clearly DON'T think these things, and make a challenge out of it...
Part of the reason I moved was so that I could break away from that habit...and in florida I tried. The compliments listed above givin by first impression-nice guys, I took. I gave them a try...
And it bombed.
I forgot how bulletproof I was when I didn't care back about men...When I didn't care if it worked out because it was all a sheer game. They would try to play me, but you can't play with someone who knows each move you're about to make in the chess game of "fucking someone over"
I had strength I almost wish I didn't have, to look someone in the face who really did care about me, and say, "I like you...but not, LIKE you."
I had no heart when it came to sex either. I didn't need to like you like that to have full on porn star sex...But I knew how to act like I cared. I did to men, what men do to usually good girls that like them. They compliment them enough to make them think you're interested. They'll flirt with you publicly. They'll take you home. Use you...And then shade off into the distance.
Was I that broken from the 8 years of scumfucks that I had no real desire to fall in love, or let a decent human being into my life?
Yep.
And then I come to Florida, ready to find true love, the love you have for yourself.
And I did.
And everything began falling into place.
I'd be open-minded about who I met, and mildly cautious...never LOOKING for anything to come from the dates I'd go on, or the nice conversation from interesting men. I say MEN because I don't date young. I find the maturity level I am looking for doesn't fit most 23 year old men.
I was guarded on who I put my trust into.
I've met two men in this state who I knew I could potentially care about.
The first one, definitely not my type judging from the men I dated in NJ...not even a little bit...and it was nice.
However, the second I actually showed signs of caring, you could put a fucking fork in it because it was done.
Luckily, I recover in minutes because I'm all too positive, and as much as dwelling on bullshit sounds soooo appetizing...it's just not my style.
The other came out of no where...on a night where I was feeling like absolute shit.
I was beginning to feel like my every day and night was consumed by work, and my homesickness was increasing. The men I was meeting were slobs...It was disheartening. Then I meet a guy who on paper LOOKED like what I was looking for exactly. Conversations were great. He looked great. Talked, like I like men to talk. Joked, and actually made me laugh, not my pretend laugh when I roll my eyes uncomfortably. We went places I liked. Had good conversation. Then, my "going to shit quickly" radar picked up. I know when a man is no longer feeling it, shit, I do the same thing when I'm not feeling it...only I have no problem saying peace immediately.
And here I am. I could revert to the old nikki, who was used to getting shit on, and pull some boohoo sob story and say God I am never going to find a good guy! :( I hate men. No one will love me...womp womp womp.
Do I get curious as to how so many can think I am so amazing, but the few I find to be extraordinary could give no fucks? Yep.
However, I am content alone because I would rather be alone than settle for what I am not looking for.
Or settle for someone who doesn't treat me epic...because that is what I do for people I care about.
Again I say, thank you to the men who have cheated on me, thank you to the men who have hit me, or been aggressive, thank you to the alcoholics, and white trash I put my heart into, thank you to the drug dealers and addicts I "loved"..thanks to the one night stands, and the one night standoffs, thanks to the awkward snuggers, the emotionally damaged, the tattooed manwhores with dirty obsessions, the egotistical rockstars, the men who called me ugly and fat, and the ones I just wasn't worth keeping around... thank you. Thank you, because of you I have endless stories, that have made me a strong fucking woman...And I WILL somehow make money off of this someday.
Dicks.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Writer's Block.
I am unhappy to report that I have writer's block when it comes to my own life. I have no opinions as of right now, or insight as to how I feel these days.
Not negatively speaking however, I am still veryyyy positive.
However, I have absolutely no problem, or shame, in writing about love and sex in general.
So it's coming. In due time.
Not negatively speaking however, I am still veryyyy positive.
However, I have absolutely no problem, or shame, in writing about love and sex in general.
So it's coming. In due time.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
First Dates.
First dates can be awkward.
Especially blind dates.
Sometimes there are unrealistic expectations.
Sometimes there are odd silences.
Sometimes right off the bat you know this is going no where.
Sometimes right off the bat you know this is going some where.
Sometimes you can't find the right words to say.
Sometimes you say too much.
Sometimes your belly hurts and you don't know if its butterflies, anxiety, or bad sushi.
Sometimes you feel as though you are only physically attracted to the person.
Sometimes you feel like you only really find their personality attractive.
Sometimes you have one too many drinks.
Sometimes THEY have one too many drinks.
Sometimes you both are shy.
Sometimes you have NOTHING in common.
Sometimes you have everything in common.
Talk about pressure.
Why is it that when an evening is labeled a first date, it immediately becomes some ordeal?
You and another human being are going out into a public place to meet and get to know one another. Why is it easier to make a friend washing your hands in the bathroom by simply handing them a paper towel? Why is it LESS awkward to talk to your gynecologist about your skiing trip this winter while getting a damn pap smear than it is to ask a man what his favorite food is?
Why do you get emotionally off kilter in the presence of someone new because you think you might say the wrong thing, or look the wrong way? This is why new relationships right off the bat after only one or two dates normally end in turmoil. Because you are so busy trying to impress someone, that the real YOU doesn't even come through for a while for your new partner to see.
How can a new interest in your life, truly appreciate you if you aren't completely open with them. I am not saying have your first date at starbucks and bring your laptop and say here, look over my facebook for a little bit and explore my entire life via internet while I go grab my photo albums and scrap books from all of my previous relationships and then you can show me yours and tell me when every single thing in your life that made you sad, mad, or happy happened...and then, I want you to point out every flaw I have, and every good asset, and then I am going to do the same, that way after 3 hours I know every single thing about you! :) no. no. no. no. I am not saying lay out your entire life timeline on the bar table and leave no room for finding new qualities in you...I am simply saying, don't be someone else because you feel as though this first date needs to go somewhere. Not every first date will end in marriage. Not every first date will have a second date. Not every first date will end with a hug or a kiss or an "I'll call you"...
Can you imagine how much easier "dating" would be if we didn't refer to it as dating.
Life would be easier if we all just went out with people we found interesting and just let loose and had a good time with intelligent conversation. When you go out assuming this WILL go somewhere, you tend to put all your eggs in one basket and add unnecessary pressure on the night.
Go out with people you KNOW there will be potential connection with, not the first person who shows interest in you even if you believe in your heart you are not going to fall for them. Unless you make it known you are going out as friends lifting the DATE aspect off the night. Because then, who is to say once that pressure is gone and you go out as friends that you wont fall for the real them now...Ya dig!?
I always say I hate dating.
That it is awkward and weird.
So I am going to start non-date dating.
If you have no expectations, you have no let downs.
All you have is two people, out together, enjoying each other's company.
If something happens, that means it happened purely because of compatibility.
On that note. I have a non-date to get ready for this evening. ;) haha
Especially blind dates.
Sometimes there are unrealistic expectations.
Sometimes there are odd silences.
Sometimes right off the bat you know this is going no where.
Sometimes right off the bat you know this is going some where.
Sometimes you can't find the right words to say.
Sometimes you say too much.
Sometimes your belly hurts and you don't know if its butterflies, anxiety, or bad sushi.
Sometimes you feel as though you are only physically attracted to the person.
Sometimes you feel like you only really find their personality attractive.
Sometimes you have one too many drinks.
Sometimes THEY have one too many drinks.
Sometimes you both are shy.
Sometimes you have NOTHING in common.
Sometimes you have everything in common.
Talk about pressure.
Why is it that when an evening is labeled a first date, it immediately becomes some ordeal?
You and another human being are going out into a public place to meet and get to know one another. Why is it easier to make a friend washing your hands in the bathroom by simply handing them a paper towel? Why is it LESS awkward to talk to your gynecologist about your skiing trip this winter while getting a damn pap smear than it is to ask a man what his favorite food is?
Why do you get emotionally off kilter in the presence of someone new because you think you might say the wrong thing, or look the wrong way? This is why new relationships right off the bat after only one or two dates normally end in turmoil. Because you are so busy trying to impress someone, that the real YOU doesn't even come through for a while for your new partner to see.
How can a new interest in your life, truly appreciate you if you aren't completely open with them. I am not saying have your first date at starbucks and bring your laptop and say here, look over my facebook for a little bit and explore my entire life via internet while I go grab my photo albums and scrap books from all of my previous relationships and then you can show me yours and tell me when every single thing in your life that made you sad, mad, or happy happened...and then, I want you to point out every flaw I have, and every good asset, and then I am going to do the same, that way after 3 hours I know every single thing about you! :) no. no. no. no. I am not saying lay out your entire life timeline on the bar table and leave no room for finding new qualities in you...I am simply saying, don't be someone else because you feel as though this first date needs to go somewhere. Not every first date will end in marriage. Not every first date will have a second date. Not every first date will end with a hug or a kiss or an "I'll call you"...
Can you imagine how much easier "dating" would be if we didn't refer to it as dating.
Life would be easier if we all just went out with people we found interesting and just let loose and had a good time with intelligent conversation. When you go out assuming this WILL go somewhere, you tend to put all your eggs in one basket and add unnecessary pressure on the night.
Go out with people you KNOW there will be potential connection with, not the first person who shows interest in you even if you believe in your heart you are not going to fall for them. Unless you make it known you are going out as friends lifting the DATE aspect off the night. Because then, who is to say once that pressure is gone and you go out as friends that you wont fall for the real them now...Ya dig!?
I always say I hate dating.
That it is awkward and weird.
So I am going to start non-date dating.
If you have no expectations, you have no let downs.
All you have is two people, out together, enjoying each other's company.
If something happens, that means it happened purely because of compatibility.
On that note. I have a non-date to get ready for this evening. ;) haha
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Quick Clear Up
For those of you catching my blog mid way...I need to emphasize to my male readers, if you see a blog about men doing shitty things, that does not mean that this is some Feminazi page degrading men and being completely against them.
I am a fan of the male species.
I would like to fall in love some day, with a MAN.
In fact, I probably defend men more than women. I understand men, probably more than women.
I am an honest open minded chick who writes about love and lust and sex and bad oral sex and bad breath.
It is not a She Man Dude Haters Club, in the least.
Thank you. And Good Day.
I am a fan of the male species.
I would like to fall in love some day, with a MAN.
In fact, I probably defend men more than women. I understand men, probably more than women.
I am an honest open minded chick who writes about love and lust and sex and bad oral sex and bad breath.
It is not a She Man Dude Haters Club, in the least.
Thank you. And Good Day.
In Reality.
In reality, I took a huge chance with this blog.
I sacrificed the possibility of awful judgments, cruel words, or hurt feelings.
I put my experiences out in the open, to hope to change maybe one or two views, opinions, lives.
I write everyday not just for your help, entertainment, comedic relief...but because all of these experiences, good or bad....are my past.
What better way to move into the present and on to the future than to leave everything on paper (or internet) freeing up some new brain space?
Mystery in someone is exciting, and don't worry. I can have mystery, but I've been in positions where people want to talk about me, or creating lies out of truths to make me look bad...Hell, I've made many friends by threatening my enemies with a simple "do you know me? anything about me? no? why don't we have a drink and when you finish if you still hate me, THEN talk shit...if not, shut the fuck up."
If I tell everyone the truth all the time, I don't leave myself open for slander...not many people take that type of risk...and I am clearly not like many people.
Someday I will be famous.
I will make sure of it.
The girl who was true to herself, and to maybe someday, I can say true to my "fans"...I will always tell it like it is...I will always be confident and comfortable enough to put my feelings into words for the world to see...even if its not always a bright idea...
I'm as real as it gets.
My heart is bigger than I know what to do with sometimes.
I am blunt. I am honest.
I am Nikki Fucking Ferrone.
Hear.Me.Roar.
I sacrificed the possibility of awful judgments, cruel words, or hurt feelings.
I put my experiences out in the open, to hope to change maybe one or two views, opinions, lives.
I write everyday not just for your help, entertainment, comedic relief...but because all of these experiences, good or bad....are my past.
What better way to move into the present and on to the future than to leave everything on paper (or internet) freeing up some new brain space?
Mystery in someone is exciting, and don't worry. I can have mystery, but I've been in positions where people want to talk about me, or creating lies out of truths to make me look bad...Hell, I've made many friends by threatening my enemies with a simple "do you know me? anything about me? no? why don't we have a drink and when you finish if you still hate me, THEN talk shit...if not, shut the fuck up."
If I tell everyone the truth all the time, I don't leave myself open for slander...not many people take that type of risk...and I am clearly not like many people.
Someday I will be famous.
I will make sure of it.
The girl who was true to herself, and to maybe someday, I can say true to my "fans"...I will always tell it like it is...I will always be confident and comfortable enough to put my feelings into words for the world to see...even if its not always a bright idea...
I'm as real as it gets.
My heart is bigger than I know what to do with sometimes.
I am blunt. I am honest.
I am Nikki Fucking Ferrone.
Hear.Me.Roar.
Cunnilingus.
Cunnilingus is the act of using the mouth, lips, and tongue to stimulate the female genitals. Derived from a vulgar Latin word for the vulva (cunnus) and the Latin word for tongue (lingua).
Also referred to in slang definition as "eating pussy."
Ahh yes. Oral sex on a woman. I warn you now, I am going to be raw and explicit here, because to be honest, there is a lot about this art of tongue to vajay action that people just can't seem to fucking comprehend.
I will start with how much it irks me that there are so many dirt mcgirt words to describe the ol' cunnilingus.
"Going down on a girl" - is the only thing that doesn't give me a twitch with mild disgust. But hey, while we're at it, lets throw down some other ways of saying it!
Eating pussy
Giving head
Throwing dome (actually this is my fave)
Clit Lickin
Carpet Munching
A Blumpy if she's also defecating. Yup. WOW.
Etc.
Anywho.
I will begin with saying, I assume all of you reading this are in beautiful, meaningful relationships with your soulmate, who I am sure you lost your virginity to ONLY with the pure knowledge that you would soon wed and bare children. That all of your sex is safe and consensual, and you are totally in love and would never fornicate or engage in oral sex with someone other than your committed partner under the eyes of the big guy upstairs. Right? Right.
Sense the sarcasm? Naturally.
Back to business.
Okay, first off.
General statement to the ladies. Have you ever been getting hott and heavy with a man, but you aren't ready for it to go as far as a full fledged smush? Normally heavy petting and awkward dry humping happens at this point and generally, the male in this scenario (but hey sometimes the biddy gets antsy) goes in for the oral sex kill. Normally this daring feat is done because A. 9/10 times the girl will feel guilty and give you a beej in return because its not a sin if you don't penetrate, right? or B. If it's good and there is booze involved you might get lucky and hit a home run following the 3rd base hit.
Or, how about you are with your partner, you well enough know that sex is inevitable (i.e. bout to go to bed and you are about to have goodnight sex), and foreplay takes place. Normally the pattern is male goes down on female until she orgasms or if you are good enough, shes inks. WAIT A MINUTE !?!?! Yep. Inks. I think female ejaculation, aka CUMMING, is a foul dirty statement, therefore, my best friend calls it inking. "Aw, you guys made me inkkk" - Finding Nemo...Yes. Inking. Many of you sad saps out there try to make this happen, but don't beat yourself up..it is pretty hard to do. O's can happen without the act of inking, however, every girl knows that if a man makes you ink, you fucking marry him. You. Fucking. Marry. Him. Anyways. Back to the pattern. Male goes down on girl, (if he is a good catch, he'll wait til O-Town...not orlando...not the band...an orgasm) after that it is common courtesy to give a booster beej (aka the blow the get things back in action), and then sexytime...
Or, what about when you are tired, but the guy "loves pleasing a woman" and wants to go down on you just because...(bahaha get a grip you all sound so fucking dumb when you say this...honestly...bc in reality you try to subtly stick your dick in our mouth or goods right after anyway now that we're all rev'd up)
These scenarios are all well and fine UNLESS...he aint got that good good.
There is nothing more unattractive or annoying than a man who cannot throw dome. Truly...And do you wanna know why SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many dudes suck at it? Because bitches with no balls are out there faking mass amounts of orgasms in lieu of hurting a man's feelings...No, No, babygirls, that needs to stop otherwise you will forever have to rely on bathtub faucets and adjustable setting shower heads and vibrators to make mama happy instead of your own partner...Which hey. I may stay single forever if they don't start holding dome throwing seminars at the local Y for confused man pieces.
Now, I have compiled my real life experiences with research as well as mass lady gossip for these examples of awful times. Again, if you think this is you, it probably is. My bad.
If you are snatch surfing, and do not know the girl well enough to make a decision like, hey would she totally love a finger up her ass...do not take it upon yourself to check her oil abruptly...chances are she wasn't expecting it, and probably now just lost her sexual appetite and will clench her cheeks warding you away from her ass, and about 2 minutes from now will fake a seriously loud and overly dramatic orgasm in hopes that you get the fuck off of her and she can forget you ever did that.
Noise. When it sounds like 115 lb pitbull is drinking water for the first time in 3 days down by our lady parts, its not cute. You are not lapping up my vagina, its weird. Just stop.
The tornado. When executed properly the self explanatory term is pretty grand...however, when done sloppily or while intoxicated the tornado becomes a HBO special of the man that can paint with his head. well the flailing head has a tongue attached to it and it is making a god damn picasso out of your hoo hoo.
Biting. Sexy nibbling around the pelvic bones or hips or thighs, that is fucking hott. However, if we feel your canines in your mouth pierce our clitoral region to the point that we feel like we are about to fuck a king crab...then it is not cute...its not sexy...stop watching low budget porn.
Instead of the word clit im changing it to diamond. diamonds are a girls best friend. it sounds way less raunchy...and I totally know my Gramma Marie is reading this and trying not to judge me but I bet clit will just really throw her over the edge.
The come hither. Its a beautiful thing. And half the time you goonies completely disregard it. Normally if tongue-diamond method isn't kicking within 10 mins you are def doing something wrong, or, in your defense, your girls head is somewhere else. It is a proven statistic that a girl can prevent herself from a true O-Baby from stress, emotions, lack of attention, etc....(I get A.D.D. ridden sometimes, but, I would still blame yourself) Anywho, after 10 mins if you already havent pulled the old come hither insert, do it...You'll probably change your sex life forever if you have never...
In the most discrete way ever I have maneuvered men who were hands-free into somehow picking up the clue i was putting down...its called grabbing their fucking hand and showing them. half the time they get a little discouraged and feel almost put down (these are men I refer to as noobs)...the other half they take the clue and fucking run with it...these type of men are in the Go Green section. (aka. recycles. aka. round twos?)
Heavy breathing. If you are running out of air from oral sex...I'm concerned. If you are breathing hott heavy air on our goodies because you think its sexy..okay...sometimes its okay...but if you sound like a 600 lb broad on a chinese buffet line with a tickle in your throat, im sorry, but get a fucking inhaler.
The tongue dart. If I feel as though you are punching in morse code on my diamond, and not cracking it...Im bored.
The tongue flick. This is sexy, unless, you are in essence seeing how fast you can flick your tongue for your own odd pleasure. yeah. this happens. after the first 30 secs im officially creeped out.
THE ASS LICK! stop, just stop, stop, stop. STOP. Unless you know for sure ya chick is a freaky deak and into it. DO NOT assume this is OKAY. I am not some slamhog that wants my fucking ass licked. And if I have a couple patron ritas and do, Ill have no problem telling you. I have heard atleast 7 horror stories in the past 6 months from girls, who have been with a guy who just gives the ol' baskin robbins lick right up the crack during oral sex...and guess what fellers...they all faked it with ya.
Every girl is different. Some like it fast. Some like it slow. Some like no hands. Some love come hither. Some like you to hold their hand, or rub their belly. Some wanna scratch your back or pull your hair. I am an open gal. I think sex is natural and fun. But I think bad oral sex is atrocious...and for the most part what I listed almost all women find terrible. Slow & steady, wins the race in this instance. Its relaxing...Its sexy. Fast and rushed equals fast rushed fake moaning and leg shaking.
If a girls legs are shaking, for real, when all is said and done, congrats.
If you're bed got inked. Congrats.
If she jumped your bones right after, congrats.
Hell, we can't be greedy, some of you dudes don't even go near a vagina with your face...yes have no problem throwin your meat at our face 24'7...
I have a 3 point test. Which I think all men and women who enjoy sex should. Especially when looking for the "one"..
What you can do with your hands.
What you can do with your mouth.
What you can do with your D. (or V if you boys wanna steal the test)
1/3...eh...probably not going to work out.
2/3...hey...the odds are good.
3/3...FUCKING RAREEEE. Marriage.
Hey, listen. Ladies give atrocious blow jays too I'm sure. So men, don't be salty. Bitches be nuts too.
Unfortunately. And I say this with immense self respect, and assurance...my closest friends and I, have not received complaints from hypothetical dome catchers.
last but not least.
when using your hands. please do not assume that you can get every girl wet by the snap of a finger...if you are trying to make move downstairs with just your hands which is a daring move, make sure you help a sista out...bc most of you guys couldn't finger your hand out of a paper bag. <3 the end.
Also referred to in slang definition as "eating pussy."
Ahh yes. Oral sex on a woman. I warn you now, I am going to be raw and explicit here, because to be honest, there is a lot about this art of tongue to vajay action that people just can't seem to fucking comprehend.
I will start with how much it irks me that there are so many dirt mcgirt words to describe the ol' cunnilingus.
"Going down on a girl" - is the only thing that doesn't give me a twitch with mild disgust. But hey, while we're at it, lets throw down some other ways of saying it!
Eating pussy
Giving head
Throwing dome (actually this is my fave)
Clit Lickin
Carpet Munching
A Blumpy if she's also defecating. Yup. WOW.
Etc.
Anywho.
I will begin with saying, I assume all of you reading this are in beautiful, meaningful relationships with your soulmate, who I am sure you lost your virginity to ONLY with the pure knowledge that you would soon wed and bare children. That all of your sex is safe and consensual, and you are totally in love and would never fornicate or engage in oral sex with someone other than your committed partner under the eyes of the big guy upstairs. Right? Right.
Sense the sarcasm? Naturally.
Back to business.
Okay, first off.
General statement to the ladies. Have you ever been getting hott and heavy with a man, but you aren't ready for it to go as far as a full fledged smush? Normally heavy petting and awkward dry humping happens at this point and generally, the male in this scenario (but hey sometimes the biddy gets antsy) goes in for the oral sex kill. Normally this daring feat is done because A. 9/10 times the girl will feel guilty and give you a beej in return because its not a sin if you don't penetrate, right? or B. If it's good and there is booze involved you might get lucky and hit a home run following the 3rd base hit.
Or, how about you are with your partner, you well enough know that sex is inevitable (i.e. bout to go to bed and you are about to have goodnight sex), and foreplay takes place. Normally the pattern is male goes down on female until she orgasms or if you are good enough, shes inks. WAIT A MINUTE !?!?! Yep. Inks. I think female ejaculation, aka CUMMING, is a foul dirty statement, therefore, my best friend calls it inking. "Aw, you guys made me inkkk" - Finding Nemo...Yes. Inking. Many of you sad saps out there try to make this happen, but don't beat yourself up..it is pretty hard to do. O's can happen without the act of inking, however, every girl knows that if a man makes you ink, you fucking marry him. You. Fucking. Marry. Him. Anyways. Back to the pattern. Male goes down on girl, (if he is a good catch, he'll wait til O-Town...not orlando...not the band...an orgasm) after that it is common courtesy to give a booster beej (aka the blow the get things back in action), and then sexytime...
Or, what about when you are tired, but the guy "loves pleasing a woman" and wants to go down on you just because...(bahaha get a grip you all sound so fucking dumb when you say this...honestly...bc in reality you try to subtly stick your dick in our mouth or goods right after anyway now that we're all rev'd up)
These scenarios are all well and fine UNLESS...he aint got that good good.
There is nothing more unattractive or annoying than a man who cannot throw dome. Truly...And do you wanna know why SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many dudes suck at it? Because bitches with no balls are out there faking mass amounts of orgasms in lieu of hurting a man's feelings...No, No, babygirls, that needs to stop otherwise you will forever have to rely on bathtub faucets and adjustable setting shower heads and vibrators to make mama happy instead of your own partner...Which hey. I may stay single forever if they don't start holding dome throwing seminars at the local Y for confused man pieces.
Now, I have compiled my real life experiences with research as well as mass lady gossip for these examples of awful times. Again, if you think this is you, it probably is. My bad.
If you are snatch surfing, and do not know the girl well enough to make a decision like, hey would she totally love a finger up her ass...do not take it upon yourself to check her oil abruptly...chances are she wasn't expecting it, and probably now just lost her sexual appetite and will clench her cheeks warding you away from her ass, and about 2 minutes from now will fake a seriously loud and overly dramatic orgasm in hopes that you get the fuck off of her and she can forget you ever did that.
Noise. When it sounds like 115 lb pitbull is drinking water for the first time in 3 days down by our lady parts, its not cute. You are not lapping up my vagina, its weird. Just stop.
The tornado. When executed properly the self explanatory term is pretty grand...however, when done sloppily or while intoxicated the tornado becomes a HBO special of the man that can paint with his head. well the flailing head has a tongue attached to it and it is making a god damn picasso out of your hoo hoo.
Biting. Sexy nibbling around the pelvic bones or hips or thighs, that is fucking hott. However, if we feel your canines in your mouth pierce our clitoral region to the point that we feel like we are about to fuck a king crab...then it is not cute...its not sexy...stop watching low budget porn.
Instead of the word clit im changing it to diamond. diamonds are a girls best friend. it sounds way less raunchy...and I totally know my Gramma Marie is reading this and trying not to judge me but I bet clit will just really throw her over the edge.
The come hither. Its a beautiful thing. And half the time you goonies completely disregard it. Normally if tongue-diamond method isn't kicking within 10 mins you are def doing something wrong, or, in your defense, your girls head is somewhere else. It is a proven statistic that a girl can prevent herself from a true O-Baby from stress, emotions, lack of attention, etc....(I get A.D.D. ridden sometimes, but, I would still blame yourself) Anywho, after 10 mins if you already havent pulled the old come hither insert, do it...You'll probably change your sex life forever if you have never...
In the most discrete way ever I have maneuvered men who were hands-free into somehow picking up the clue i was putting down...its called grabbing their fucking hand and showing them. half the time they get a little discouraged and feel almost put down (these are men I refer to as noobs)...the other half they take the clue and fucking run with it...these type of men are in the Go Green section. (aka. recycles. aka. round twos?)
Heavy breathing. If you are running out of air from oral sex...I'm concerned. If you are breathing hott heavy air on our goodies because you think its sexy..okay...sometimes its okay...but if you sound like a 600 lb broad on a chinese buffet line with a tickle in your throat, im sorry, but get a fucking inhaler.
The tongue dart. If I feel as though you are punching in morse code on my diamond, and not cracking it...Im bored.
The tongue flick. This is sexy, unless, you are in essence seeing how fast you can flick your tongue for your own odd pleasure. yeah. this happens. after the first 30 secs im officially creeped out.
THE ASS LICK! stop, just stop, stop, stop. STOP. Unless you know for sure ya chick is a freaky deak and into it. DO NOT assume this is OKAY. I am not some slamhog that wants my fucking ass licked. And if I have a couple patron ritas and do, Ill have no problem telling you. I have heard atleast 7 horror stories in the past 6 months from girls, who have been with a guy who just gives the ol' baskin robbins lick right up the crack during oral sex...and guess what fellers...they all faked it with ya.
Every girl is different. Some like it fast. Some like it slow. Some like no hands. Some love come hither. Some like you to hold their hand, or rub their belly. Some wanna scratch your back or pull your hair. I am an open gal. I think sex is natural and fun. But I think bad oral sex is atrocious...and for the most part what I listed almost all women find terrible. Slow & steady, wins the race in this instance. Its relaxing...Its sexy. Fast and rushed equals fast rushed fake moaning and leg shaking.
If a girls legs are shaking, for real, when all is said and done, congrats.
If you're bed got inked. Congrats.
If she jumped your bones right after, congrats.
Hell, we can't be greedy, some of you dudes don't even go near a vagina with your face...yes have no problem throwin your meat at our face 24'7...
I have a 3 point test. Which I think all men and women who enjoy sex should. Especially when looking for the "one"..
What you can do with your hands.
What you can do with your mouth.
What you can do with your D. (or V if you boys wanna steal the test)
1/3...eh...probably not going to work out.
2/3...hey...the odds are good.
3/3...FUCKING RAREEEE. Marriage.
Hey, listen. Ladies give atrocious blow jays too I'm sure. So men, don't be salty. Bitches be nuts too.
Unfortunately. And I say this with immense self respect, and assurance...my closest friends and I, have not received complaints from hypothetical dome catchers.
last but not least.
when using your hands. please do not assume that you can get every girl wet by the snap of a finger...if you are trying to make move downstairs with just your hands which is a daring move, make sure you help a sista out...bc most of you guys couldn't finger your hand out of a paper bag. <3 the end.
Pre-Game to the good stuff...For my sanggleee ladies who are feeling WOMP WOMP
Before I really get down to business with a few posts tonight, I wanted to write to the ladies (and hey, gents too!) who are single, and not really digging it.
"I can't find a good man"
"I can't find a legit, good girl"
"I meet douchebags"
"Bitches be crazy"
"I hate men"
"Fuckin cunts"
"We slept together, and now he's acting shady"
"I banged her, and she stopped calling"
"He said he really liked me though"
"She acts one way with me, and another way when we're around other people"
"He only texts me when he's wasted"
"She said we're better off as friends"
"He said I'm like one of the guys"
"He said he just wants something to have fun with"
"She said she's too busy, and doesn't want to date anyone right now, but is sleeping with him"
"Went back to the ex"
Ya see...girls, guys, men, women, they all go through the same mumbo jumbo when single, yet lonely.
If you are single and content with being single, and like your alone time... you don't need anything, or want anything. You are open to letting potential love come into your life, but you aren't bum rushing the community looking for love!
It breaks my heart when I hear my friends, girls and guys, come to me and tell me that they are lonely, or sad. It tears me up that some of the most amazing and beautiful people I know start doubting their looks and personality because they haven't found a decent human being that treats them like gold yet.
To you people, you KNOW who you are...here is someone giving you the real deal honest truth.
When you are lonely, look in the mirror. If you look at yourself and pick yourself apart, and beat yourself up...CHANGE IT. What man or woman would want to be with someone who is down on themselves? Odds are, you are probably fucking gorgeous, or handsome, but some idiot from your past broke you down leaving you open to insecurity...change it. Start believing you are worth meeting someone great. Start knowing that in this world there is always someone out there who when asked "what do you look for in a girl?", describes YOU. "What do you look for in a man?"...guess what, some beautiful girl out there is sitting at dinner with her friend and friend's fiancee describing the man YOU are, wishing she could be a lucky girl out with her man.
It is true.
How many gorgeous tattooed, pierced girls, who love art, and work hard...beat themselves up? I know I did, and a lot of girls I know do. We think, ugh, where are all the sexy, tattooed men? Where are all the hard workers? Then we settle for the first thing that comes along that finds us exciting, even if its not our type. How many times have you been called a fantasy girl? I know I have. I have met suave, tattoo-free, business men who are smitten by me because I am "different"...they lay on the charm...make you feel so unique...well, once desk jockey has a taste of the wild side, they come to terms that they would never walk you down a punk rock wedding aisle or introduce you to their family without a cardigan covering your tattoos..and just like that, game over. But, 100% of the time, you weren't looking for that type of guy, but we become so vulnerable in a state of loneliness that sometimes we settle, even while truly knowing nothing will come of it.
Or what about dainty little homebody girls...who are looking for Mr. Desk Jockey...who want someone special, but want live on the edge a little bit...Daddy is Reverend and has been married to mommy forever, and she's never touched a drug or gotten shit tanked wasted, or rode the back of a street bike...so instead of finding her real definition of Mr. Right, because it might take some effort she'll fall for a badass rocker who can't find his rockstar princess. And in due time this girl will pick the boy apart, she will judge, she will find things stupid, she will try to dress him, she will try to control him...and then she will probably leave him. Then, the boy will have issues...see the cycle?
How about the sweet innocent good guys who fall for the "hott" girl. You know, the girl that doesn't ever have a boyfriend. The girl who spends time with you and says sweet things to you, and calls you and texts you, but doesn't ever make any moves. Then one day you finally confess your feelings for her and she puts you in the friend zone, yet never had a problem accepting your compliments, or telling you how wonderful you are...Yep.
What happens when you are Mr. Desk Jockey, using the tattooed girl.
What happens when you are the rocker that settles for a less than awesome cookie cutter broad...
Or when you are that girl and you are using Mr. Tattoos for a thrill...
What happens when you feel the heartache of falling for a friend that you were sure felt the same way.
What happens when you are the friend that knew someone was falling for you, but you let it escalate and hurt them?
...What happens when you are so over being lonely that you attach to the first thing that shows you happiness again...but the happiness fades. What do you do when you are finally in a relationship again, but you know that something is off, that the truth is not always clear...or you KNOW in your heart of hearts that this person is NOT the one...do you stay because you like the feeling of being in a relationship EVEN if it compromises your self respect and your heart? No. You don't. You don't ever stay with someone or spend time with someone who makes you feel like in some way, shape, or form that you aren't good enough. Ever.
Which brings me back to being SINGLE and OKAY with it.
When you can finally appreciate yourself enough to the point where you can sit at home alone with yourself, and say hey, I am a good person. I am a catch. I am alone today, because I am not going to settle with mediocre...I am great enough that I deserve to wait until I meet someone who knows how good I am. I am going to stay single until I meet someone that I want to make smile and laugh and feel good because THEY deserve it. SETTLE, needs to escape your mind...because that is when our emotions get the best of us and we make a quick-paced rash decision, that ends in negativity and regret.
I stopped believing in love for a long time, and the day I discovered that love does exist, and it is the most beautiful thing in the world...was the day I realized I finally loved myself.
It took me 22 years. It took 8 years of complete assholes in my life, months upon months of me being an asshole, addiction, pain, mistakes, success, hard work, struggles, debt, family, friends, abuse, heartbreak, love, loss, relationships, fights, graduations, careers, promotions, failures, sex, booze, drugs, tears, smiles, etc....22 years to look in the mirror for the first time and KNOW that I was a fucking phenomenal woman. To KNOW that any man would truly be lucky if I fell in love with him, because there is no more powerful human in this world, than a human who believes in them self. You truly can not love someone whole-heartedly without truly loving who you are. If you do not love yourself than your new years resolution should be just that. You need to mold your single self into a person that you yourself would want to be with. If you aren't happy with yourself, how can a man or woman be?
I wrote this blog to show you that loneliness happens...but life isn't so lonely if you stop looking for answers out there in the world that you can only find within yourself. I bet a million dollar that the person reading my blog out loud, who is single, is beautiful. I bet you are a great looking human. But I also bet there is someone in your life who crushed you at one point. I bet you don't trust easy...I bet you miss having someone hold your hand. Or you are tired of being a third wheel...Or you are tired of the bar scene...Or tired of thinking about your ex when you are lonely even though they prob didn't even treat you good. I bet you are "talking" to people who don't exactly meet your "type" criteria...I bet you gave up even having a type because you thought hey there are slim pickins out there, I'll be lucky with anything!..FAIL...
Embrace being single for now. Love yourself today. Respect yourself. Believe in yourself. And when you do, you can kiss single life good bye....because THAT is when the lucky boy or girl is going to unexpectedly waltz into your life...and sweep you off your feet, because you deserve it...
When in doubt, get out. Never settle. Know your worth. Live, Love, Learn baby!
P.S. Life would be easier if tattooed girl met tattooed boy, if homebody broad met Mr. Deck Jockey and if girl friend stopped being a dumbass and let good guy love her...she'd prob be surprised.
Love you all. The end.
"I can't find a good man"
"I can't find a legit, good girl"
"I meet douchebags"
"Bitches be crazy"
"I hate men"
"Fuckin cunts"
"We slept together, and now he's acting shady"
"I banged her, and she stopped calling"
"He said he really liked me though"
"She acts one way with me, and another way when we're around other people"
"He only texts me when he's wasted"
"She said we're better off as friends"
"He said I'm like one of the guys"
"He said he just wants something to have fun with"
"She said she's too busy, and doesn't want to date anyone right now, but is sleeping with him"
"Went back to the ex"
Ya see...girls, guys, men, women, they all go through the same mumbo jumbo when single, yet lonely.
If you are single and content with being single, and like your alone time... you don't need anything, or want anything. You are open to letting potential love come into your life, but you aren't bum rushing the community looking for love!
It breaks my heart when I hear my friends, girls and guys, come to me and tell me that they are lonely, or sad. It tears me up that some of the most amazing and beautiful people I know start doubting their looks and personality because they haven't found a decent human being that treats them like gold yet.
To you people, you KNOW who you are...here is someone giving you the real deal honest truth.
When you are lonely, look in the mirror. If you look at yourself and pick yourself apart, and beat yourself up...CHANGE IT. What man or woman would want to be with someone who is down on themselves? Odds are, you are probably fucking gorgeous, or handsome, but some idiot from your past broke you down leaving you open to insecurity...change it. Start believing you are worth meeting someone great. Start knowing that in this world there is always someone out there who when asked "what do you look for in a girl?", describes YOU. "What do you look for in a man?"...guess what, some beautiful girl out there is sitting at dinner with her friend and friend's fiancee describing the man YOU are, wishing she could be a lucky girl out with her man.
It is true.
How many gorgeous tattooed, pierced girls, who love art, and work hard...beat themselves up? I know I did, and a lot of girls I know do. We think, ugh, where are all the sexy, tattooed men? Where are all the hard workers? Then we settle for the first thing that comes along that finds us exciting, even if its not our type. How many times have you been called a fantasy girl? I know I have. I have met suave, tattoo-free, business men who are smitten by me because I am "different"...they lay on the charm...make you feel so unique...well, once desk jockey has a taste of the wild side, they come to terms that they would never walk you down a punk rock wedding aisle or introduce you to their family without a cardigan covering your tattoos..and just like that, game over. But, 100% of the time, you weren't looking for that type of guy, but we become so vulnerable in a state of loneliness that sometimes we settle, even while truly knowing nothing will come of it.
Or what about dainty little homebody girls...who are looking for Mr. Desk Jockey...who want someone special, but want live on the edge a little bit...Daddy is Reverend and has been married to mommy forever, and she's never touched a drug or gotten shit tanked wasted, or rode the back of a street bike...so instead of finding her real definition of Mr. Right, because it might take some effort she'll fall for a badass rocker who can't find his rockstar princess. And in due time this girl will pick the boy apart, she will judge, she will find things stupid, she will try to dress him, she will try to control him...and then she will probably leave him. Then, the boy will have issues...see the cycle?
How about the sweet innocent good guys who fall for the "hott" girl. You know, the girl that doesn't ever have a boyfriend. The girl who spends time with you and says sweet things to you, and calls you and texts you, but doesn't ever make any moves. Then one day you finally confess your feelings for her and she puts you in the friend zone, yet never had a problem accepting your compliments, or telling you how wonderful you are...Yep.
What happens when you are Mr. Desk Jockey, using the tattooed girl.
What happens when you are the rocker that settles for a less than awesome cookie cutter broad...
Or when you are that girl and you are using Mr. Tattoos for a thrill...
What happens when you feel the heartache of falling for a friend that you were sure felt the same way.
What happens when you are the friend that knew someone was falling for you, but you let it escalate and hurt them?
...What happens when you are so over being lonely that you attach to the first thing that shows you happiness again...but the happiness fades. What do you do when you are finally in a relationship again, but you know that something is off, that the truth is not always clear...or you KNOW in your heart of hearts that this person is NOT the one...do you stay because you like the feeling of being in a relationship EVEN if it compromises your self respect and your heart? No. You don't. You don't ever stay with someone or spend time with someone who makes you feel like in some way, shape, or form that you aren't good enough. Ever.
Which brings me back to being SINGLE and OKAY with it.
When you can finally appreciate yourself enough to the point where you can sit at home alone with yourself, and say hey, I am a good person. I am a catch. I am alone today, because I am not going to settle with mediocre...I am great enough that I deserve to wait until I meet someone who knows how good I am. I am going to stay single until I meet someone that I want to make smile and laugh and feel good because THEY deserve it. SETTLE, needs to escape your mind...because that is when our emotions get the best of us and we make a quick-paced rash decision, that ends in negativity and regret.
I stopped believing in love for a long time, and the day I discovered that love does exist, and it is the most beautiful thing in the world...was the day I realized I finally loved myself.
It took me 22 years. It took 8 years of complete assholes in my life, months upon months of me being an asshole, addiction, pain, mistakes, success, hard work, struggles, debt, family, friends, abuse, heartbreak, love, loss, relationships, fights, graduations, careers, promotions, failures, sex, booze, drugs, tears, smiles, etc....22 years to look in the mirror for the first time and KNOW that I was a fucking phenomenal woman. To KNOW that any man would truly be lucky if I fell in love with him, because there is no more powerful human in this world, than a human who believes in them self. You truly can not love someone whole-heartedly without truly loving who you are. If you do not love yourself than your new years resolution should be just that. You need to mold your single self into a person that you yourself would want to be with. If you aren't happy with yourself, how can a man or woman be?
I wrote this blog to show you that loneliness happens...but life isn't so lonely if you stop looking for answers out there in the world that you can only find within yourself. I bet a million dollar that the person reading my blog out loud, who is single, is beautiful. I bet you are a great looking human. But I also bet there is someone in your life who crushed you at one point. I bet you don't trust easy...I bet you miss having someone hold your hand. Or you are tired of being a third wheel...Or you are tired of the bar scene...Or tired of thinking about your ex when you are lonely even though they prob didn't even treat you good. I bet you are "talking" to people who don't exactly meet your "type" criteria...I bet you gave up even having a type because you thought hey there are slim pickins out there, I'll be lucky with anything!..FAIL...
Embrace being single for now. Love yourself today. Respect yourself. Believe in yourself. And when you do, you can kiss single life good bye....because THAT is when the lucky boy or girl is going to unexpectedly waltz into your life...and sweep you off your feet, because you deserve it...
When in doubt, get out. Never settle. Know your worth. Live, Love, Learn baby!
P.S. Life would be easier if tattooed girl met tattooed boy, if homebody broad met Mr. Deck Jockey and if girl friend stopped being a dumbass and let good guy love her...she'd prob be surprised.
Love you all. The end.
Something witty that just kinda slipped out.
I love pasts. Without past, we wouldn't be present. Without the present, we have no future. Everybody is one big unfinished story...But every chapter counts. ♥
I am proud to say I had no idear how rad this quote was, until I re-read my text. You're welcome.
I am proud to say I had no idear how rad this quote was, until I re-read my text. You're welcome.
Monday, January 3, 2011
First Kiss.
First kisses.
They are exciting.
HOWEVER.
A first kiss can sometimes make or break a new, budding romance.
Here are the "kissers" that NO ONE likes, ladies, gents, take note.
The "too much tongue" FAIL. (i.e. you try to be cute and subtle with a little tongue, and this noobs tongue pile drives yours...if your face has more saliva on it than a dog after Pavlov's bell theory, than you my friend, need training. NO GIRL, (or guy) wants to feel like a cow at popcorn park zoo just raped their face..no one.
The "too little tongue" FAIL (i.e. there is nothing more fucking annoyin than tryin to heat the kiss up and feeling like you're trying to make out with a newborn kitten, its fucking weird. If you are gonna fish mouth me, atleast slip the tongue, or just go home, its really dumb.
The "who needs lips when I think I am an OG and can just tongue you like a washed up porn star" FAIL. (i.e. this is a true story...I met a man...who I thought was great. Nice truck, beautiful home that he owned, pretty decent personality (dumb as a box of rocks, but I mean, work wise, I liked what he had going for him....HOWEVER....Our first kiss, it did not giveme butterflies that GOOD first kisses should. I went for lip on lip initial action and he wound up poking his tongue out like a cracked out lizard..I mean it didn't go back in...normally I'll give the benefit of the doubt because I am a great kisser (for those of you that think, wow, a little cocky, if I have kissed you, you know I am not lying, correct? Right :) I'm a passionate lover, thank you.) anywho...like i said normally i'll give the benefit of the doubt and I will begin to secretly train you in the sexiest way possible bc you can't kiss poorly and expect another date...it just can't happen. But I felt like I was in the movie anaconda and that snake was mauling my face. Needless to say this man never got better because I gave him a chance because of his pool and work ethic but he wound up also not being able to do anything remotely good in the bedroom (and I saw this coming due to the poor kissing...what a shame)
The "super-speed tongue" FAIL...listen I know 2012 is a comin, and you're worried, but don't try to fast forward a 10 minute makeout into 13 seconds by rapid firing your slimy tongue in and around my mouth...its like you are trying to play darts with my uvula and its fucking grody.
And then, sometimes you get the best kisses, from awkward individuals that you pin secretly in your mind to be bad kissers, that's always fun.
AND, you get the amazing kissers, from the amazing humans, and that is one of life's greatest aspects...
One in particular, and I doubt they will even know I'm talking about them, was so utterly adorable when he first kissed me. Did the ol' grab the chin softly old school trick (ask any chick, if you go and hold her chin and pull her face in and kiss her soft, bingo. ) and kissed me softly. Right amount of tongue, stopped, and kissed my forehead (again, ask any girl, you kiss her forehead, shes butta!)...CLEARLY this fellar knew what to do and this was not his first rodeo...but it gave me butterflies, because it was such a good kiss...not nausea because I thought his tongue was going to detach and readjust my face...
Kisses are important, but FIRST kisses are serious!
Brush up on your tongue etiquette or one day you will end up on some broad's blog.
They are exciting.
HOWEVER.
A first kiss can sometimes make or break a new, budding romance.
Here are the "kissers" that NO ONE likes, ladies, gents, take note.
The "too much tongue" FAIL. (i.e. you try to be cute and subtle with a little tongue, and this noobs tongue pile drives yours...if your face has more saliva on it than a dog after Pavlov's bell theory, than you my friend, need training. NO GIRL, (or guy) wants to feel like a cow at popcorn park zoo just raped their face..no one.
The "too little tongue" FAIL (i.e. there is nothing more fucking annoyin than tryin to heat the kiss up and feeling like you're trying to make out with a newborn kitten, its fucking weird. If you are gonna fish mouth me, atleast slip the tongue, or just go home, its really dumb.
The "who needs lips when I think I am an OG and can just tongue you like a washed up porn star" FAIL. (i.e. this is a true story...I met a man...who I thought was great. Nice truck, beautiful home that he owned, pretty decent personality (dumb as a box of rocks, but I mean, work wise, I liked what he had going for him....HOWEVER....Our first kiss, it did not giveme butterflies that GOOD first kisses should. I went for lip on lip initial action and he wound up poking his tongue out like a cracked out lizard..I mean it didn't go back in...normally I'll give the benefit of the doubt because I am a great kisser (for those of you that think, wow, a little cocky, if I have kissed you, you know I am not lying, correct? Right :) I'm a passionate lover, thank you.) anywho...like i said normally i'll give the benefit of the doubt and I will begin to secretly train you in the sexiest way possible bc you can't kiss poorly and expect another date...it just can't happen. But I felt like I was in the movie anaconda and that snake was mauling my face. Needless to say this man never got better because I gave him a chance because of his pool and work ethic but he wound up also not being able to do anything remotely good in the bedroom (and I saw this coming due to the poor kissing...what a shame)
The "super-speed tongue" FAIL...listen I know 2012 is a comin, and you're worried, but don't try to fast forward a 10 minute makeout into 13 seconds by rapid firing your slimy tongue in and around my mouth...its like you are trying to play darts with my uvula and its fucking grody.
And then, sometimes you get the best kisses, from awkward individuals that you pin secretly in your mind to be bad kissers, that's always fun.
AND, you get the amazing kissers, from the amazing humans, and that is one of life's greatest aspects...
One in particular, and I doubt they will even know I'm talking about them, was so utterly adorable when he first kissed me. Did the ol' grab the chin softly old school trick (ask any chick, if you go and hold her chin and pull her face in and kiss her soft, bingo. ) and kissed me softly. Right amount of tongue, stopped, and kissed my forehead (again, ask any girl, you kiss her forehead, shes butta!)...CLEARLY this fellar knew what to do and this was not his first rodeo...but it gave me butterflies, because it was such a good kiss...not nausea because I thought his tongue was going to detach and readjust my face...
Kisses are important, but FIRST kisses are serious!
Brush up on your tongue etiquette or one day you will end up on some broad's blog.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
DOUCHEBAG 101
Here are a few tips to completely destroy a good thing with someone you are trying to pursue by being a douchebag.
1- Unnecessary Lying.
There isn't really such thing as a necessary lie if you are an honest person, but the severely unnecessary lies in a new acquaintance is the best. You know, where someone feels the need to lie to look more appealing to you, more dedicated. When in reality these lies neither make nor break the potential relationship. The lies that always come forth eventually. Normally they surface without the liar even knowing that they have been caught..Making them look like a mind-fucking pussy.
*Alternate advice: Be brutally honest. Even if you break hearts, you can still be respected for being loyal, even if it makes you look like a dick.
2- Overcompensation.
The shady overcompensation. If you think your body isn't all that jazz, and are insecure about it, and overcompensate with obnoxious jokes, a awkwardly bold personality, or frosted tips, it's just weird.
Same sense, if you have a nice body, but your personality sucks, please don't spend 99.999% speaking about how good you look. Here is why your personality sucks. You are confused.
*Alternate advice: Be content with who you are. If its not good enough, than the person you are dating doesn't deserve you. Simple. They are probably more insecure in reality anyway.
3- The Fall. Yeah. The fall, you know, the fall off the face of the earth. This usually happens after someone lets their guard down while the other person's original intent was to get close, but once it was readily available, its not that fun anymore. The ignorances arises, leaving unanswered questions. When the person being ignored is a clinger, they are much more vulnerable to become hurt and emotional. These are the people who take the "text and call repeatedly for answers, only looking psychotic in every possible way route." However, if you have a backbone and a keen sense of douchbaggery you can avoid it, and actually cause this to backfire on the shadeball on occasion. If someone put in time and effort to get close to you, and just bounces like a bad check...then so be it. Yes. Simple as that. If you love yourself enough to know that the only game you need to play is in a cardboard box or on a game system disc, and NOT when it comes to another person, you dust that bullshit off your shoulders and move on. 9/10 times the original douchebag comes back, confused and concerned with why you didn't care that they pulled a houdini act. Sometimes they even blame you, and say YOU disappeared. In all reality, this person never wanted you to begin with, or didn't know how good they could've had it...But we all want what we can't have right? Wrong. You can have whatever you want if you put your mind and heart into it and give some effort.
*Alternate advice: Put your big kid pants on and if you want something, put it on the table truthfully, not sugarcoated. And if you are gonna bail, be an adult and say why. If society's members had more closure when it comes to situations in their lives, maybe there would be less homicide, suicide, rapes, mental freak outs, and woopsy-one-night-stand pregnancies. Just sayin.
To be continued.
1- Unnecessary Lying.
There isn't really such thing as a necessary lie if you are an honest person, but the severely unnecessary lies in a new acquaintance is the best. You know, where someone feels the need to lie to look more appealing to you, more dedicated. When in reality these lies neither make nor break the potential relationship. The lies that always come forth eventually. Normally they surface without the liar even knowing that they have been caught..Making them look like a mind-fucking pussy.
*Alternate advice: Be brutally honest. Even if you break hearts, you can still be respected for being loyal, even if it makes you look like a dick.
2- Overcompensation.
The shady overcompensation. If you think your body isn't all that jazz, and are insecure about it, and overcompensate with obnoxious jokes, a awkwardly bold personality, or frosted tips, it's just weird.
Same sense, if you have a nice body, but your personality sucks, please don't spend 99.999% speaking about how good you look. Here is why your personality sucks. You are confused.
*Alternate advice: Be content with who you are. If its not good enough, than the person you are dating doesn't deserve you. Simple. They are probably more insecure in reality anyway.
3- The Fall. Yeah. The fall, you know, the fall off the face of the earth. This usually happens after someone lets their guard down while the other person's original intent was to get close, but once it was readily available, its not that fun anymore. The ignorances arises, leaving unanswered questions. When the person being ignored is a clinger, they are much more vulnerable to become hurt and emotional. These are the people who take the "text and call repeatedly for answers, only looking psychotic in every possible way route." However, if you have a backbone and a keen sense of douchbaggery you can avoid it, and actually cause this to backfire on the shadeball on occasion. If someone put in time and effort to get close to you, and just bounces like a bad check...then so be it. Yes. Simple as that. If you love yourself enough to know that the only game you need to play is in a cardboard box or on a game system disc, and NOT when it comes to another person, you dust that bullshit off your shoulders and move on. 9/10 times the original douchebag comes back, confused and concerned with why you didn't care that they pulled a houdini act. Sometimes they even blame you, and say YOU disappeared. In all reality, this person never wanted you to begin with, or didn't know how good they could've had it...But we all want what we can't have right? Wrong. You can have whatever you want if you put your mind and heart into it and give some effort.
*Alternate advice: Put your big kid pants on and if you want something, put it on the table truthfully, not sugarcoated. And if you are gonna bail, be an adult and say why. If society's members had more closure when it comes to situations in their lives, maybe there would be less homicide, suicide, rapes, mental freak outs, and woopsy-one-night-stand pregnancies. Just sayin.
To be continued.
Back by Popular Demand #2 CRABCAKE BROAD (here Jil)
TRAINWRECKED
Attention Readers:
Slamhoggen - the act of looking for a slamhog.
Attention Readers:
This next story is 100% factual.
Yes, factual, this is REAL life, and I am more than happy that I could be a part of it.
Let me set the scene for you.
This past Sunday evening, at a casual dining establishment where I bartend.
Management holds a bartender's meeting, I leave my post, and take part in the brief conference.
A server takes my spot. A man walks in alone and takes a seat at the bar. He orders a crab cake dinner and a non-alcoholic beverage.
Enters a woman. A "slamhog"-looking woman if you will.
*Side note: for those who are unfamiliar with the term slamhog, or my mother who I KNOW is unfamiliar with this term probably reading this saying "wow Nik, how did you know I don't know what a slamhog is, I have an idea, but well I bet you're gonna tell me now."
Slamhog: (according to the Urban Dictionary) A Slamhog is an extremly ugly and overwheight female that is picked up in a club or Bar.
Usually an easy target, Slamhogs are used as a last resort to having sex that night. Slamhoggen - the act of looking for a slamhog.
Anywho... the trainwreck sits down at the bar. The server who took over for me comes over to our meeting to explain that this Penny-piece (yes, penny-piece, as in NOT a dime-piece) has NO money, that she has announced that her checkbook she brought with her is empty, that she cannot pay for her bloody mary, and puts the server on the phone with a deep-voiced man to help out. This nutty man proceeds to beg the server to not only stop serving this broad, but to keep her there while he drives almost 50 mins to come get her!
*side note...BLOODY MARY!?...clearly she felt bad that her diet only consisted of vodka and that a little lycopene in her system would totally benefit her sad excuse for a life*
Naturally, we cannot hold her hostage at our restaurant, but we can call the police if we thought she was gonna go monster truckin down I-4 shitfacedwastedhammered-drunk. The meeting is over and now I get to return to my bar to witness this abomination take place.
The intoxicated princess has now scooted over to the crab cake eating stranger, a Bill Nye-The Sciene Guy meets Charles Manson kinda guy. This, is where the fun begins.
"Hey, can I get some of that crabcake?" - she asks.
*If you KNOW me, you know that I love this. That I have a way with words that to normal human beings with strong IQs I sound almost rude when speaking to these village idiots...yet, it is just too darn funny to pass up.*
The man begins smiling pedophiliac-ly (google it, could be a word) and pushes the plate towards her, offering an untouched fork. Pffft. She's a classy broad, she goes straight for the used fork in his hand.
She begins caressing his back whilst munching on his dinner. Her phone rings. It is the man that is on his way for her.
"Hello!? WHAT? No! I'm not at the mall. No. Not the mall. I'm here. Yeah. At the place. Not at the mall. Hello? No the place!" -she wallows.
..."fucking Ruby Tuesdays..." I softly announced.
She hands her new amigo her cellular device and says to tell her man how to get to the restaurant. He begins giving the phone-man directions when Miss Slopfest snatches the phone, screams "fuck you I have my own ride" ...hangs up...and before that cell even hits the table she looks at Bill Nye and says with hearts in her blood-shot meth-head eyes "you can take me home right?"...adding an almost nauseatingly fake smile. (at this point her hand is rubbing his upper thigh)
I have never in my life seen a man whip out a credit card to pay a tab so quick. She slurped down her bloody mary, finished the last morsel of his crab cake, got up and hugged him!
"Ooohhhh I'm sooo excited! Where are we going!?"
...Now in my head, I am thinking...Ok. She is clearly a filthy whore. Clearly intoxicated. Broke. And just got a free seafood dinner and cocktail out of this stranger. I know where her mouth was going. That's for damn sure.
The two strangers scamper out the door. Co-workers and myself have a mild giggle...realize she left her sweet checkbook, run it out to her, and begin our closing side work. About 45 seconds after delivering her checkbook, a disgruntled man resembling Indiana Jones, Christopher Walken, and a child predator walks in.
"where is she!? where is my girl!?"....
Me: Goo....She left.
Predator: WHAT? You guys let her leave!? She was drunk she cant drive!
Me:...oooh. She's not driving.
Predator: Yes she is! She has my car.
Co-worker: She was a passenger sir.
Predator: What do you mean!?
Me: (ever so gracefully, with a head tilt to the side and a meer squint) You know, a PASSENGER.
Predator: What the hell!? how could you all let a drunk girl get picked up at a bar!? Where did she go. Who is he!?
Me: He's the man you spoke to on the phone. He said he'd take good care of her
Yup I'm a prick. I know.
He leaves.
Meanwhile, Bill Nye emerges from a vehicle in the dark parking lot with a smile on his face, and the two proceed to leave.
Me: Did she just give him a fucking Ruby Relaxer in the parking lot !?
...She sure did.
The next day the Indiana Jones-er called to see if we found his vehicle in our parking lot that she originally drove there. We sure did. He car was left with both windows down, and the keys in the car. Cool. Smooth moves you hoe.
He was gracious that we held on to the keys for him til he arrived. He apologized for her. And we all had a nice awkward fake giggle about how accidents happen all the time like this....
The end.
Now.
NOW.
All I have to say about this woman, is good for her.
Good for you, you Dirt McGirt whore. It must be invigorating to go from bar to bar in Orange City and end up at a family restaurant, eat a strangers food, order a drink you can't pay for, break the heart of the poor bastard who clearly cares about you, throw a beej in a parking lot, irresponsibly leave a vehicle wide open for grand theft auto, and go home with a stranger who has the potential to skin you and wear your fucking body as a suit and leave your remains at the local dump. Congrats on still carrying a check book, and especially to a bar. You managed to pull a free meal, drink, and ride home only for the simple trade of your dignity, self respect, and your vagina. Fucking pig.
Again I go back to, shit, if this bitch can find love...I'm almost positive I can do.
P.S. the definition of slam hog was copied and pasted from Urbandictionary.com hence why overweight was spelled overwheight. Idiots.
P.S. the definition of slam hog was copied and pasted from Urbandictionary.com hence why overweight was spelled overwheight. Idiots.
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