First Kiss.

First kisses.

They are exciting.

HOWEVER.

A first kiss can sometimes make or break a new, budding romance.

Here are the "kissers" that NO ONE likes, ladies, gents, take note.

The "too much tongue" FAIL. (i.e. you try to be cute and subtle with a little tongue, and this noobs tongue pile drives yours...if your face has more saliva on it than a dog after Pavlov's bell theory, than you my friend, need training. NO GIRL, (or guy) wants to feel like a cow at popcorn park zoo just raped their face..no one.

The "too little tongue" FAIL (i.e. there is nothing more fucking annoyin than tryin to heat the kiss up and feeling like you're trying to make out with a newborn kitten, its fucking weird. If you are gonna fish mouth me, atleast slip the tongue, or just go home, its really dumb.

The "who needs lips when I think I am an OG and can just tongue you like a washed up porn star" FAIL. (i.e. this is a true story...I met a man...who I thought was great. Nice truck, beautiful home that he owned, pretty decent personality (dumb as a box of rocks, but I mean, work wise, I liked what he had going for him....HOWEVER....Our first kiss, it did not giveme butterflies that GOOD first kisses should. I went for lip on lip initial action and he wound up poking his tongue out like a cracked out lizard..I mean it didn't go back in...normally I'll give the benefit of the doubt because I am a great kisser (for those of you that think, wow, a little cocky, if I have kissed you, you know I am not lying, correct? Right :) I'm a passionate lover, thank you.) anywho...like i said normally i'll give the benefit of the doubt and I will begin to secretly train you in the sexiest way possible bc you can't kiss poorly and expect another date...it just can't happen. But I felt like I was in the movie anaconda and that snake was mauling my face. Needless to say this man never got better because I gave him a chance because of his pool and work ethic but he wound up also not being able to do anything remotely good in the bedroom (and I saw this coming due to the poor kissing...what a shame)

The "super-speed tongue" FAIL...listen I know 2012 is a comin, and you're worried, but don't try to fast forward a 10 minute makeout into 13 seconds by rapid firing your slimy tongue in and around my mouth...its like you are trying to play darts with my uvula and its fucking grody.

And then, sometimes you get the best kisses, from awkward individuals that you pin secretly in your mind to be bad kissers, that's always fun.

AND, you get the amazing kissers, from the amazing humans, and that is one of life's greatest aspects...

One in particular, and I doubt they will even know I'm talking about them, was so utterly adorable when he first kissed me. Did the ol' grab the chin softly old school trick (ask any chick, if you go and hold her chin and pull her face in and kiss her soft, bingo. ) and kissed me softly. Right amount of tongue, stopped, and kissed my forehead (again, ask any girl, you kiss her forehead, shes butta!)...CLEARLY this fellar knew what to do and this was not his first rodeo...but it gave me butterflies, because it was such a good kiss...not nausea because I thought his tongue was going to detach and readjust my face...

Kisses are important, but FIRST kisses are serious!
Brush up on your tongue etiquette or one day you will end up on some broad's blog.