Haven't written in days, because I was waiting for the week to really sink in before I could write about it.
I met a buddy at the gym last week and we got on the topic of why I won't settle down. And it made me think.
Well who would?
I have been through enough terrible relationships where I was a doormat, where I was treated like a bottom of the barrel bitch by men I did everything for. And once it was over, they KNEW they fucked up. They STILL know, they fucked up.
But at this point I find men and the stories that come out of them super exciting.
For instance. I went on a blind date friday night. My week was shitty, and homeboy was persuasive that upon meeting him, he could most definitely make me smile.
I don't like first dates. At all. Just go out and have fun with someone, if ya click, ya click. The end.
But...I took a chance because I was feelin a little low.
Now, all of these following examples, are 100% factual...and I clearly have no shame and that is why I can admit it.
TOP REASONS WHY YOU AND NIKKI FERRONE ARE NOT GOING ON DATE # 2.
1- An hour prior to the date, this human, we'll call him, Evo, (that's what he drove, one of the only charming things about him) he sends me a text saying how he loves a natural girl, who wears jeans and a t shirt out and a pony tail and hardly any makeup....................
I am sorry, but Nikki Ferrone will ALWAYS be a fan of makeup....not only is it how I earn a living, but it is something that has always made me happy, and it always will. I will always rock the fuck out of a smokey eye better than any North Jersey Guido Mami bitch and pull it off wherever I go. You don't like it? Don't look at it. I sure as hell am not holding a 9 mm to your dome and saying "please! look at my makeup!"...Second off, Jeans and a T shirt...I rock skinny jeans and T's all the time, granted I do a lil at home alterations and normally cut the collar off my shirts to let my neck breath and channel a little Debbie Harry vibe...But I in no way, shape, or form, would be caught dead downtown, or back in NJ in AC or something wearing a t shirt and jeans....its NOT ME. Third, my hair is short. My ponytail that I have tried growing for 6 months now, is less than an inch long! Oyy..Shoulda been my first clue.
2- He called me Snooki...Enough Said....and that was BEFORE he met me. He called me Jersey shore when he actually met me, mainly because he probably knew that I had a knife in my clutch that I would've cut his ass with without hesitation if he did call me Snooki.
3- Once we go into his car, he reached for his wallet....and magically, it was gone. He lived a ways a way so the first half of the date was an awkward ride an hour to the gas station he went to before he came to meet me. My first thought was, yo, this guy is gangster as hell if he just pulled the, forgot the ol' wallet trick. My second thought was, oh awesome, we are driving an hour so no one knows I am dead and chopped up into nikki kabobs because this bro fixin to kill me.
4- When arriving at the gas stations in East Jabip, he stood up and WOW. The wallet appears under his ass shoved in the seat...So now, not only are you insulting, but you are a fucking dipshit too.
5- CONVERSATIONAL FAILS:
- Mentioning his last relationship ended three weeks ago. Was 2 1/2 years long. He caught her cheating the past 8 months, but she's actively trying to get him back, fail
*most awkward 20 mins of my life listening to this shit from beginning to end...however, by the end of the date it was apparent why she cheated on you.*
- Got the "me and my dad don't get along" half hour shpeel
- He told me he didn't have his first drink til his 21st birthday......................................If you are straightedge, that is badass and I respect it...If you are just fucking lame, I don't. Shit. My girl at work was like, are you sure you don't wanna cancel and go meet up with your friends downtown who LIKE to drink and have fun...That idear would've made more sense.
-When asked what my fave alcoholic beverage was, I said "vodka club, extra limes"...and his response was "
GAGS"...what? In what fucking universe is vodka, CALORIE FREE club soda, and a delicious citrus fruit considered gag material!? sorry I don't sip on Mikes Hard Lemonade while wearing no makeup and a ponytail ya herb.
-He told me he has had sex with less than 10 women his entire life, and expressed that this made him feel sleezy because his number is so high...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I cringed. You poor, poor man...You think you slutty because you banged out 7-8 girls in 23 years...well then you and I will never, ever, ever, see eye to eye.
-He's had two girlfriends his whole life, and talked about them the whole time. I can tell you what they look like, how old, their names, their dogs' names..................yup
6-The date...................Bowling. Hey. Bowling is fun. But not when you go with someone who wants to do it COMPETITIVELY and SOBER. fuck.
Now, mind you, we all know I rock some dagger length nails, I always have, I am not gonna change. Look at my pics when I am 16 years old. I have rad hair, long nails, super brown skin, super white teeth, it is whoooo I am.... I simply say, oh shit, bowling...good thing I'm getting my nails done tomorrow so idc if I jack em up...
"well jersey shore, if they weren't so fucking long"..................What I wanted to say, if I had my vehicle close by and didn't need to be concerned on how I'd get home...was Hey you dumb fucking redneck just because I know who I am and like it no matter what narrowminded herbs like you think, doesn't mean ya gotta belittle me....instead I am pretty sure I just said "yo, get off my dick"---- (at this point acting like a charming lady was probably out the window, especially if there wasn't going to be liquor involved)
7- I bowled the first turn, looking adorable in skinny jeans and old school bowling shoes. I did atrocious. Then I proceeded to granny shoot it, and got a spare...When here comes bowling pro 2011 with a left arm curveball, strike.....................COOL, you took me to play a game where you know you will win...jesus. I let all my reservations about fucking a nail up out the door and I bowled like a champ..I gave no shits about what I looked like as long as I beat this shitbird. I did awful the first game...Got an 88...which is my highest score ever....second game however, i started to win and he started being mean to me....Homeboy was all smiles til I started winning.
8- He called me a sandbagger. Im like a what?? He's like you know when someone claims they suck at something but really they are fucking lying and are great...WOW
9- He asked me what I wanted to drink (and to prevent myself from looking like an Alc-y tryna drink away her annoyances) and I said well what are you getting (hoping he'd say two vegas bombs and a whiskey on the rocks, you?)..and he responded "Um, a water? Why, lemme guess, you want vodka club with EXTRA limes, ugh"......................................................."nope. water sounds amazing"...............at this point i looked at my phone to see texts from a human I would've much rather been out with...someone who actually likes things about me....fail
10- He then proceeded to get mad, come back fierce and win the next two games...he told me I was too tan. He said my teeth nails and makeup were glowing under the blacklights, and that if I was trying to not let people know where I was from, I was doing a bad job...I love being tan, having white teeth (would u prefer my teeth be doo doo brown?), and looking beautiful. It is what I am.
11- Saying Buddhism is worse than being Catholic............
Needless to say, I brought the evening to a close and proceeded to drive around aimlessly thinking about how atrocious my luck is with the assclowns I meet. Evo and I haven't spoken since. I think when he looked in my car and saw the pile of clothing and hair and tanning products on my passenger seat (i changed at work and have my gym bag and work clothes bag amongst hair products bc dur dah dur I do hair...) and it resembled a hobo's love den, that was his final straw for me. Unfortunately my last straw for him was an hour before I met him.
I used to think what I want didn't exist...I liked when I thought it didn't...because knowing it does, and knowing ya can't quite get it right now, is more frustrating.
To all my single babes out there...Continue NOT settling...Otherwise you will end up with someone like EVO...
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