WOMP

I am more than tired of hearing from men how great I am. (I know, woe is me right?) ...But truly. I hear, a lot, from men in FL and still NJ how smart I am, how pretty I am, how successful I have become, how independent I am, how loving and caring and helpful I try to be, how sexy I can act, how honest I am....

YET, 

I go out and find the ones who clearly DON'T think these things, and make a challenge out of it...

Part of the reason I moved was so that I could break away from that habit...and in florida I tried. The compliments listed above givin by first impression-nice guys, I took. I gave them a try...

And it bombed.

I forgot how bulletproof I was when I didn't care back about men...When I didn't care if it worked out because it was all a sheer game. They would try to play me, but you can't play with someone who knows each move you're about to make in the chess game of "fucking someone over"

I had strength I almost wish I didn't have, to look someone in the face who really did care about me, and say, "I like you...but not, LIKE you."

I had no heart when it came to sex either. I didn't need to like you like that to have full on porn star sex...But I knew how to act like I cared. I did to men, what men do to usually good girls that like them. They compliment them enough to make them think you're interested. They'll flirt with you publicly. They'll take you home. Use you...And then shade off into the distance. 

Was I that broken from the 8 years of scumfucks that I had no real desire to fall in love, or let a decent human being into my life?

Yep.

And then I come to Florida, ready to find true love, the love you have for yourself.

And I did. 

And everything began falling into place.

I'd be open-minded about who I met, and mildly cautious...never LOOKING for anything to come from the dates I'd go on, or the nice conversation from interesting men. I say MEN because I don't date young. I find the maturity level I am looking for doesn't fit most 23 year old men.

I was guarded on who I put my trust into. 

I've met two men in this state who I knew I could potentially care about. 

The first one, definitely not my type judging from the men I dated in NJ...not even a little bit...and it was nice. 

However, the second I actually showed signs of caring, you could put a fucking fork in it because it was done.

Luckily, I recover in minutes because I'm all too positive, and as much as dwelling on bullshit sounds soooo appetizing...it's just not my style.

The other came out of no where...on a night where I was feeling like absolute shit. 

I was beginning to feel like my every day and night was consumed by work, and my homesickness was increasing. The men I was meeting were slobs...It was disheartening. Then I meet a guy who on paper LOOKED like what I was looking for exactly. Conversations were great. He looked great. Talked, like I like men to talk. Joked, and actually made me laugh, not my pretend laugh when I roll my eyes uncomfortably. We went places I liked. Had good conversation. Then, my "going to shit quickly" radar picked up. I know when a man is no longer feeling it, shit, I do the same thing when I'm not feeling it...only I have no problem saying peace immediately. 

And here I am. I could revert to the old nikki, who was used to getting shit on, and pull some boohoo sob story and say God I am never going to find a good guy! :( I hate men. No one will love me...womp womp womp.

Do I get curious as to how so many can think I am so amazing, but the few I find to be extraordinary could give no fucks? Yep. 

However, I am content alone because I would rather be alone than settle for what I am not looking for. 

Or settle for someone who doesn't treat me epic...because that is what I do for people I care about. 

Again I say, thank you to the men who have cheated on me, thank you to the men who have hit me, or been aggressive, thank you to the alcoholics, and white trash I put my heart into, thank you to the drug dealers and addicts I "loved"..thanks to the one night stands, and the one night standoffs, thanks to the awkward snuggers, the emotionally damaged, the tattooed manwhores with dirty obsessions, the egotistical rockstars, the men who called me ugly and fat, and the ones I just wasn't worth keeping around... thank you. Thank you, because of you I have endless stories, that have made me a strong fucking woman...And I WILL somehow make money off of this someday.

Dicks.