When you are burned by individuals in your life, much too frequently...a wall begins to go up. With each flawed relationship the wall gets a little higher...a little tougher. This makes you a little more cautious...a little less trusting. This makes it hard for those with ill intentions to break your heart...BUT, the biggest downfall to the "wall"...is that when someone with a good heart, great intentions, and a look in their eye for you that you KNOW is different than past pursuers...you make it even harder for them to get through to you.
At what point in our minds and our hearts do we let go of the damage our past has caused us, to take a risk on someone different. At what point do you trust that someone isn't out to hurt you, but out to try to give you everything you never knew you really needed.
Do you end things immediately, before a negative outcome could even be a possibility?
Do you string things along, never settling down, even if its good, because you think if it is too good it will be gone?
Do you actually push away, while in the process of slowly opening up to someone?
Do you spend so much time selfishly protecting your heart, that you fail to realize you are breaking someone else's?
The cycle of the past is a vicious one.
We all look to the future and claim our past will stay just there...in the past...yet how often do we make comparisons, snap judgments, assumptions, and mistakes...due to our past experiences...all while knowing we want the same outcome, to fall in love, meaningful, lasting love.
Behind every player, there is a girl that broke his heart, or treated him like garbage.
Behind every "independent" girl, there is a man who convinced her she would never be good enough, and now she only believes she is at her best alone.
Behind every smut, there is a man who destroyed her self-esteem.
Behind every angry man, there is a woman who stole his sensitivity.
When you are the person who is surrounded by the wall...you attract those who won't want you long term, who don't want to get to know the real you, who just want to have fun. These are the individuals who have probably been through their own fair share of shit, and will most likely put you through the hell they've been through without even realizing. At this point your wall makes you numb, and it doesn't even hurt that bad to be in and out of someone's life so quick like that. Because you will not let yourself care...even though...you want someone to care about, and to care about you the way they should. That big ol' wall of yours attracts those who want to chase you for shits and giggles...not for a fairytale ending...and through this...we miss out on those who really do want to be in our lives. We let good people go, who want nothing more than to earn your trust, your affection, your attention, and someday your love.
I was someone with a wall. Almost 9 years of the worst men you can imagine, all mixed in with some of the most amazing guys I have ever met in my entire life. They'd come inconveniently enough when I was shattered...when my wall was the highest...and not only would I let them go, or push them away, I hurt them. Because I'd rather spend my time with those who would never truly love me...meaning they could never really break my heart.
Having no emotions towards any potential relationships is the loneliest life I ever saw for myself...and moving to FL, and filtering all the negative in my life, dropped my guard a little bit. I still meet shitty men, with shitty personalities...but I am now allowing myself to be open to letting the good guys, well, be good. I've moved mountains for the men in my life. I have always been the best girlfriend I could be, and the best friend. I know I deserve that absolute best and that I will make a man so happy, and they will know how lucky they are.
But, what happens when that person is the epitome of "the wall"...
What happens when your guard drops for someone who makes you want to put it right back up because they are so busy "protecting" themselves that they are actually breaking you down day to day?
How long do you wait for someone to trust you, while they aren't earning any trust themselves?
How long do you sit around lonely waiting for them to want to spend time with you, or show you that you are important to them too?
How long do you wait before you realize...that guard is up for good, and they just don't feel the same about you?
When do you decipher the difference between commitment issues and plain ol' mind fucking?
When do you stop feeling like a dumbass hopeless romantic waiting for the green light...and move on to those who will not only appreciate you, but move mountains for you as well.
How many people do you let walk out of your life because you pushed them in that direction...before you let the right one in?
Because I know if I am pushed far enough...I am not coming back.
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