Please, ladies and gents, raise your glass and take a big ol' sip if the following debauchery has ensued in your lifetime.
These are real stories that have ever so graciously arose in my life...leaving me dumbfounded, angry, hysterical laughing, judgmental, disgusted....etc.
The past 8 1/2 years pretty much sum up why I always lose never have I ever........................and why I prefer not settling with a typical ass clown..
Here we go....
Never have I ever...
Had a significant other bazooka throw a vibrator at the wall during smush and yell at me, saying "you like that more than me!?!"...when it was their idear in the first place to get a little freaky deak.
wait, wait...haahhah. ahhh. still cracks me up.
Never have I ever...
Heard the words "pull em til they rip off.."
Use your imagination here kids.
Never have I ever...
Witnessed the burp-vom whilst being romantic....fucking gnar...and complete buzz kill. Ugh.
Never have I ever...
Had the words "oh my god, I'm so nervous...I haven't had a girl over in like a week" be said to me while kissing someone. FAIL FUCKING FAIL...(NY, Italian, Cop...enough said)
Never have I ever...
Dated someone who wore platform shoes...Yep. Word to the wise. You are not really 5'8" if you have special shoes made with 2 inches of height up in there...that means you are 5'6"...I'm not trying to date douchebag spice ya clown.
Never have I ever...
Dated someone who while attending the bone zone got out LUBE FROM THEIR PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP...
Now let me emphasize bc many of my best friends have dealt with this, guys and girls, and I hear the same bitter reaction from them all. There is a difference from ya typical ky in the nightstand. We are human...totally fine. Its a community bottle. Sure, why not. But, when you whip out some motion of the ocean pina colada half empty bottle of lube that you've had the 2 years you were with your ex....you're fucking disgusting...
Oh, god, you know just how to get me going...whipping out the tool you used to keep your ex's snatch tasting like a cocktail bc you couldn't keep her in the mood, and trying to douse my goods in it now too?. Ummm yeah, I'll pass.
Never have I ever...
Been cleaning my house and found an XS tank top in my clothes...I haven't been an XS since I was a toddler....Saying to my bf, "who the fuck does this belong to?" knowing its the chick he hooked up with while on a break....and him saying, "yeah its hers...we can chuck it..unless, do you want it babe?".............................................................................................................................................in what fucking universe would a girl want to KEEP the clothing of the girl who was clearly sleeping in their home and in their bed and putting her shit in their closet? ...I'd like to say I kept my cool that day...But. Think about it. It got real ghetto.
That is all for now...
I am now going to go rejoice in how wonderful my life is now....and how I am finally ready to be with someone who doesn't have the IQ of a meatball. <3
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