The Things That Make Me Say AUGHHHH. (na na, na na)

Dirty sneakers with nice jeans....Dirty sneakers, period.

Why is it that such attractive men with such nice bodies look on point from ankle up...and then I see the dirty sneakers. God. And a lot of cops make this mistake I've noticed. It's ugly, and all I think about whilst TRYING to oogle you, is, "Ugh, you fucking clown, you blew it...and your feet probably stink."

*I LOVE men with good taste in shoes. I am a sucker for shoes with edge. And by edge I don't mean Ostrich skin cowboys boots. 

Tattoos on men that have no muscle tone. I think skinny dudes look great with sleeves, don't get me wrong. I am talking about homeboy who hasn't seen the gym in a hot minute and has a chevy symbol tat right on their upper arm, just jigglin' away. I'm sorry. It peeves me. Call me shallow. Whatever.

When men have no idear what they want in life, and look at me like I have ten heads when they ask my plans. Well, I want to manage my own MAC counter, I want to have a steady freelance business, I want people to know my work, I want people to read my blog, and eventually buy my book that I WILL publish. Fuck, and lately. I kinda would like to fall in love, and be in a nice relationship...With someone that has a head on their shoulders.(but, this idear has, um, complications as of right now...bc I am clearly a glutton for punishment)...If you don't know where you are going in life, that is fine...But I am on a different level...which causes me to be unattracted to you. Lo Siento Papi.

Men being presumptuous when it comes to sex. 

I am brutally honest.

Sex is fun.

Do I want to have fun with everything that walks? No thank you. 

If I am dating someone, and there is a connection there, sex is a must. 

If I don't fucking know you more than a few days and you text me asking if we are going to have sex...You are OUT your damn mind fool. First of all, you don't plan sex, unless the worlds gonna end and ya wanna make sure since we are going to die together you can get extra freaky deak, and you ask...There shouldn't be a blue print of what we are going to do to each other ya fucking weirdo. You don't assume that I think you're fine enough to smush second of all, I am picky. 

True story...Dude in the 609. Never met me, began emailing me, while I am in FL. At first I was friendly, he was a military dude. Nice conversation. We knew some of the same people...totally fine. Then he asked if i'd go out with him when I visited. I mean, what could sushi hurt. Then he sent me a huge edible arrangements of fruit to FL bc I said I was on a diet.......okay...very sweet. But, the night before I flew to nj...not only did he tell me I WOULD be his girlfriend...he asked me the best question I've ever heard.

"Whats your favorite type of condoms babe!? I'm at the store now"

................................................

My first response because I'm a bitch. "The kind that don't get me pregnant?"

Followed by..."Uhhhhh, not necessary."

Needless to say...I was cussed out five mins after meeting this human because I cancelled all plans and said I wasn't feeling it...and was left with a rose and a stuffed monkey and the fact that he had a huge date in atlantic city planned, with a hotel room and dinner reservations....and probably an engagement ring (direct quote from ashley)...I gave the rose to ash...gave the monkey to my nephew (a boxer/pit mix)...and had to recharge my phone bc the messages telling me he thought I was special and I blew it, drained my battery...

I am pretty sure I snugged myself that night...and while feeling lonely I thought...I will never settle for less than what I am looking for. Bc I deserve to be as happy as I know I can make someone.

This isn't the first time this has happened.

Maybe bc I am real and honest. 

Because I like to make people happy in my life.

Because I don't choose to fit in to any type of stereotype...

Yet, the few men I fall for, wouldn't even begin to understand how great I would treat them...and that is simply annoying. 

I also don't like halitosis. 

One round of sex before bed. Go for round 2, dude. 

Arrogance where it is clearly not necessary.

The word "cock"...like. Fuck, stop. 

The mentioning of dates you've taken your ex girlfriend on, and how awesome they were before she cheated on you. Spare me. I could tell you the awesome dates I took MY guys on because they were usually broke, and tell you how they could pound a bottle of jager, punch a wall, yell at me, and ask me for a blow job. Yeahhh. Let's have story time about exes!! :) I love it....you fucking noob.

That's all for now.

Brutal.

To all of my exes that shit on me.

To the dudes that threw on the charm, just to get laid.

To every fuck that called me fat or ugly.

To every clown who wanted me after I chose to walk away.

To every mind fuck who got his rocks off by playing games.

To every poor ass hat I gave my heart to, and did wonderful things for.

Thank you :)

Because of you I have a backbone now.
Because of you I see through "can I get my dick wet" charm, and can actually spot nice men now.
Because of you I'll never get obese, nor will I ever look sub par.
Because of you I know the difference between a man actually caring about me, but not ready to commit, and a man who thrives off of attention, and keeps himself in my life just to feel wanted at his convenience.
Because of you, I can mind fuck you 10x harder, baby.
Because of you, I only do nice things for those who treat me just as good.

I need no sympathy for the years of wretched nuisances in my life called "past relationships"...
For the fate of most them will be as follows:
Poor relationships.
Cheating on their gfs, or being cheated on.
Drugs.
Alcoholism.
Habitual lying in their everyday life.
Waking up an old lonely man.
Get fat.
Get ugly.
Get herpes.
Jail.
No education.
Dead end job.
Living at home past 25, for NO good reason other than laziness.
Ugly spouse who treats you like shit, but you are too god damn insecure to find someone better for you.

So, I guess being broken and crapped on for 8 years has a positive ending.
Because in the end...I might be lonely for the time being...but some dude will get lucky when I finally find what I am looking for.

I mean honestly. I cook AND clean?
I can read AND write?
I am smart AND talented?
I have all my teeth AND no cavities?!

Fact.

Wikipedia says sexual intercourse promotes bonding.

Just saying.

Like it or leave it, don't leave it and like it.

When you tell a girl its over, you need to be content with the consequence of that.
Same with men.

People need to stop giving up those who are good to them, and for them, and not realizing it til they are gone.

Don't tell me how I am amazing, and beautiful. Don't tell me that I am like no one else you've ever met...I know I am not. If I am dating someone, I KNOW I am good to him. I know that I can make someone feel so positive and good about themselves, and feel loved and appreciated. I pay attention to detail, I like supporting my guy, and doing nice things for him. Everyday should be something to look forward to.

I have a brain in my head, good head on my shoulders, a life with a career, passion, direction, and talent. I know I am beautiful, and nauseatingly loving and caring for others. I know that I can get down and dirty and still be cute. I know that I can be sexy, but still be your best friend. I cook like a champ. Snug like a pro. Am an epic wing girl for the buds. Dance, sing, laugh the wildest. I am rare.

Everyone knows the ol' "Ya want what ya can't have" line...and it's true.

I'm at a point in my life, where if I found a wonderful guy, I'd be ready for commitment. I'd be ready for someone to treat me good, like I deserve. Someone who can appreciate me and not mind-fuck me to keep me around at his convenience.

Hospital Story # 1

I remember opening my eyes, filled with tears. Unable to move. Pain excruciating. I had just been catheterized, which makes you want to slit your wrists in its own...having a tube shoved in your bleep so that you no longer need to exert effort to urinate...sexy right...I was lifted from table to table for xrays while my hip was out of it's socket, pelvis fractured...blood covering my face and arms...I still had nightmares of the blood and my screams.

My pants had been cut off of me...and please, I don't typically wear draws so they were a no go too...my blood shirt soaked (my favorite black sweater, stretched ever so perfectly to hang off my shoulder) was cut off and discarded...

My head had been split in two spots...receiving stitches...what an awful night...

And now here I am. Unable to move...Awaiting the anesthesia so they could pop my hip back into place while I was under...

I looked up into the most handsome doctor's eyes...as tears began rolling down my cheeks...
He smiled at me...took my hand...and I will never forget what he said to me.
"Nicole, we are gonna do a rectal exam now."

Suddenly the mind numbing pain coursing through my body vaporized for a moment as I said, with the smallest mousy voice...."FROM YOU!? What, my butt? No. No. Why? No. Please."

"If you'd feel more comfortable we can have our female nurse do it."

Me: "I'd feel more comfortable if no one was doing things to my butt, but sure..."

The female nurse came over, snapped her glove on, and gave me a sympathy look...

Me: "You know this means we are going to be best friends right?" I said with the softest most depressing voice...she bursted out laughing.

Meanwhile there was no curtain covering the booty show and there were 6 other doctors awaiting my hip toss.

Me: "Hey my dude, can we close the curtain? Until I'm knocked out I have some sense of dignity...shit"

They giggled.

The nurse said take a breath and quickly went for the gold...

Me: "WRONG ENTRANCE!!!!"

Mortified that she had just tried giving me a pap test, she got a new glove, defiled my ass...and it was done.

Talk about someone remaining positive under the worst situations...I kept thinking, stay positive. Try to think good things...I mean it was hard after having my genitals mauled by an entire trauma ward...but still.

Next the curtain opened...revealing the 7 doctors around me...ready to knock me out and fix my busted hip...I remember counting over and over bc I was trying to keep my mind off the pain.

I looked at them all, and said I needed to make an announcement.

Me: "Hi everyone. I'm Nikki. I wasn't planning on almost dying tonight and having a sleepover here...and I haven't really shaved my legs in a while...and well...you have all seen my kooka now...and you there (pointing to nurse) have now done things with my butt...so I just wanna say...I am happy we are all friends now...and I'm sorry you have to touch my legs...best friends forever..."

I then looked at the doctor and said...Okay Im ready...

I woke up...still in the trauma unit...feeling like absolute death. My pillow was still saturated in blood. I could still see the images and hear the screams in my head...

Then i lifted my fingers in front of my face...and realized...none of my nails broke in my accident...sighed with relief...and passed out.

Valentines Day.

Wikipedia says

Saint Valentine's Day, commonly shortened to Valentine's Day,^[1][2][3] is an annual commemoration held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions.^[1][3] The day is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentineand was established by Pope Gelasius I in 500 AD. It was deleted from the Roman calendar of saints in 1969 by Pope Paul VI, but its religious observance is still permitted. It is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, offeringconfectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines"). The day first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.

Modern Valentine's Day symbols include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten valentines have given way to mass-producedgreeting cards.^[4]

Now, Valentine's Day, women demand jewelry, men demand blowjobs, you share a meal, and if the demands played out, ya smush like rabbits.

Oh how times have changed.

Never have I ever....Part Uno.

Please, ladies and gents, raise your glass and take a big ol' sip if the following debauchery has ensued in your lifetime.

These are real stories that have ever so graciously arose in my life...leaving me dumbfounded, angry, hysterical laughing, judgmental, disgusted....etc.

The past 8 1/2 years pretty much sum up why I always lose never have I ever........................and why I prefer not settling with a typical ass clown..


Here we go....


Never have I ever...
Had a significant other bazooka throw a vibrator at the wall during smush and yell at me, saying "you like that more than me!?!"...when it was their idear in the first place to get a little freaky deak.

wait, wait...haahhah. ahhh. still cracks me up.

Never have I ever...
Heard the words "pull em til they rip off.."
Use your imagination here kids.

Never have I ever...
Witnessed the burp-vom whilst being romantic....fucking gnar...and complete buzz kill. Ugh.

Never have I ever...
Had the words "oh my god, I'm so nervous...I haven't had a girl over in like a week" be said to me while kissing someone. FAIL FUCKING FAIL...(NY, Italian, Cop...enough said)

Never have I ever...
Dated someone who wore platform shoes...Yep. Word to the wise. You are not really 5'8" if you have special shoes made with 2 inches of height up in there...that means you are 5'6"...I'm not trying to date douchebag spice ya clown.

Never have I ever...
Dated someone who while attending the bone zone got out LUBE FROM THEIR PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP...
Now let me emphasize bc many of my best friends have dealt with this, guys and girls, and I hear the same bitter reaction from them all. There is a difference from ya typical ky in the nightstand. We are human...totally fine. Its a community bottle. Sure, why not. But, when you whip out some motion of the ocean pina colada half empty bottle of lube that you've had the 2 years you were with your ex....you're fucking disgusting...
Oh, god, you know just how to get me going...whipping out the tool you used to keep your ex's snatch tasting like a cocktail bc you couldn't keep her in the mood, and trying to douse my goods in it now too?. Ummm yeah, I'll pass.

Never have I ever...
Been cleaning my house and found an XS tank top in my clothes...I haven't been an XS since I was a toddler....Saying to my bf, "who the fuck does this belong to?" knowing its the chick he hooked up with while on a break....and him saying, "yeah its hers...we can chuck it..unless, do you want it babe?".............................................................................................................................................in what fucking universe would a girl want to KEEP the clothing of the girl who was clearly sleeping in their home and in their bed and putting her shit in their closet? ...I'd like to say I kept my cool that day...But. Think about it. It got real ghetto.

That is all for now...

I am now going to go rejoice in how wonderful my life is now....and how I am finally ready to be with someone who doesn't have the IQ of a meatball. <3