Awwww Here It Is. Top Reasons Nikki Ferrone and You, will NOT be compatible.

Haven't written in days, because I was waiting for the week to really sink in before I could write about it.

I met a buddy at the gym last week and we got on the topic of why I won't settle down. And it made me think.

Well who would?

I have been through enough terrible relationships where I was a doormat, where I was treated like a bottom of the barrel bitch by men I did everything for. And once it was over, they KNEW they fucked up. They STILL know, they fucked up.

But at this point I find men and the stories that come out of them super exciting.

For instance. I went on a blind date friday night. My week was shitty, and homeboy was persuasive that upon meeting him, he could most definitely make me smile.

I don't like first dates. At all. Just go out and have fun with someone, if ya click, ya click. The end.

But...I took a chance because I was feelin a little low.

Now, all of these following examples, are 100% factual...and I clearly have no shame and that is why I can admit it.

TOP REASONS WHY YOU AND NIKKI FERRONE ARE NOT GOING ON DATE # 2.

1- An hour prior to the date, this human, we'll call him, Evo, (that's what he drove, one of the only charming things about him) he sends me a text saying how he loves a natural girl, who wears jeans and a t shirt out and a pony tail and hardly any makeup....................
I am sorry, but Nikki Ferrone will ALWAYS be a fan of makeup....not only is it how I earn a living, but it is something that has always made me happy, and it always will. I will always rock the fuck out of a smokey eye better than any North Jersey Guido Mami bitch and pull it off wherever I go. You don't like it? Don't look at it. I sure as hell am not holding a 9 mm to your dome and saying "please! look at my makeup!"...Second off, Jeans and a T shirt...I rock skinny jeans and T's all the time, granted I do a lil at home alterations and normally  cut the collar off my shirts to let my neck breath and channel a little Debbie Harry vibe...But I in no way, shape, or form, would be caught dead downtown, or back in NJ in AC or something wearing a t shirt and jeans....its NOT ME. Third, my hair is short. My ponytail that I have tried growing for 6 months now, is less than an inch long! Oyy..Shoulda been my first clue.

2- He called me Snooki...Enough Said....and that was BEFORE he met me. He called me Jersey shore when he actually met me, mainly because he probably knew that I had a knife in my clutch that I would've cut his ass with without hesitation if he did call me Snooki.

3- Once we go into his car, he reached for his wallet....and magically, it was gone. He lived a ways a way so the first half of the date was an awkward ride an hour to the gas station he went to before he came to meet me. My first thought was, yo, this guy is gangster as hell if he just pulled the, forgot the ol' wallet trick. My second thought was, oh awesome, we are driving an hour so no one knows I am dead and chopped up into nikki kabobs because this bro fixin to kill me.

4- When arriving at the gas stations in East Jabip, he stood up and WOW. The wallet appears under his ass shoved in the seat...So now, not only are you insulting, but you are a fucking dipshit too.

5- CONVERSATIONAL FAILS:
- Mentioning his last relationship ended three weeks ago. Was 2 1/2 years long. He caught her cheating the past 8 months, but she's actively trying to get him back, fail
*most awkward 20 mins of my life listening to this shit from beginning to end...however, by the end of the date it was apparent why she cheated on you.*
- Got the "me and my dad don't get along" half hour shpeel
- He told me he didn't have his first drink til his 21st birthday......................................If you are straightedge, that is badass and I respect it...If you are just fucking lame, I don't. Shit. My girl at work was like, are you sure you don't wanna cancel and go meet up with your friends downtown who LIKE to drink and have fun...That idear would've made more sense.
-When asked what my fave alcoholic beverage was, I said "vodka club, extra limes"...and his response was "
GAGS"...what? In what fucking universe is vodka, CALORIE FREE club soda, and a delicious citrus fruit considered gag material!? sorry I don't sip on Mikes Hard Lemonade while wearing no makeup and a ponytail ya herb.
-He told me he has had sex with less than 10 women his entire life, and expressed that this made him feel sleezy because his number is so high...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I cringed. You poor, poor man...You think you slutty because you banged out 7-8 girls in 23 years...well then you and I will never, ever, ever, see eye to eye.
-He's had two girlfriends his whole life, and talked about them the whole time. I can tell you what they look like, how old, their names, their dogs' names..................yup

6-The date...................Bowling. Hey. Bowling is fun. But not when you go with someone who wants to do it COMPETITIVELY and SOBER. fuck.
Now, mind you, we all know I rock some dagger length nails, I always have, I am not gonna change. Look at my pics when I am 16 years old. I have rad hair, long nails, super brown skin, super white teeth, it is whoooo I am.... I simply say, oh shit, bowling...good thing I'm getting my nails done tomorrow so idc if I jack em up...
"well jersey shore, if they weren't so fucking long"..................What I wanted to say, if I had my vehicle close by and didn't need to be concerned on how I'd get home...was Hey you dumb fucking redneck just because I know who I am and like it no matter what narrowminded herbs like you think, doesn't mean ya gotta belittle me....instead I am pretty sure I just said "yo, get off my dick"---- (at this point acting like a charming lady was probably out the window, especially if there wasn't going to be liquor involved)

7- I bowled the first turn, looking adorable in skinny jeans and old school bowling shoes. I did atrocious. Then I proceeded to granny shoot it, and got a spare...When here comes bowling pro 2011 with a left arm curveball, strike.....................COOL, you took me to play a game where you know you will win...jesus. I let all my reservations about fucking a nail up out the door and I bowled like a champ..I gave no shits about what I looked like as long as I beat this shitbird. I did awful the first game...Got an 88...which is my highest score ever....second game however, i started to win and he started being mean to me....Homeboy was all smiles til I started winning.

8- He called me a sandbagger. Im like a what?? He's like you know when someone claims they suck at something but really they are fucking lying and are great...WOW

9- He asked me what I wanted to drink (and to prevent myself from looking like an Alc-y tryna drink away her annoyances) and I said well what are you getting (hoping he'd say two vegas bombs and a whiskey on the rocks, you?)..and he responded "Um, a water? Why, lemme guess, you want vodka club with EXTRA limes, ugh"......................................................."nope. water sounds amazing"...............at this point i looked at my phone to see texts from a human I would've much rather been out with...someone who actually likes things about me....fail

10- He then proceeded to get mad, come back fierce and win the next two games...he told me I was too tan. He said my teeth nails and makeup were glowing under the blacklights, and that if I was trying to not let people know where I was from, I was doing a bad job...I love being tan, having white teeth (would u prefer my teeth be doo doo brown?), and looking beautiful. It is what I am.

11- Saying Buddhism is worse than being Catholic............

Needless to say, I brought the evening to a close and proceeded to drive around aimlessly thinking about how atrocious my luck is with the assclowns I meet. Evo and I haven't spoken since. I think when he looked in my car and saw the pile of clothing and hair and tanning products on my passenger seat (i changed at work and have my gym bag and work clothes bag amongst hair products bc dur dah dur I do hair...) and it resembled a hobo's love den, that was his final straw for me. Unfortunately my last straw for him was an hour before I met him.

I used to think what I want didn't exist...I liked when I thought it didn't...because knowing it does, and knowing ya can't quite get it right now, is more frustrating.

To all my single babes out there...Continue NOT settling...Otherwise you will end up with someone like EVO...

On a lighter note.

I was called cynical by a friend yesterday. I said cynical about me? 

He said no, you tend to tear guys a new asshole in your blog.

I would like to say that I tear everyone making dimwitted mistakes a new one, men, women, everyone. 

Women are just as guilty as accidentally catching their tooth on a man's shaft during a beej as a man is of the old WOOPS dolphin cry trick. I mean, lets get real people.

I am simply here to compile my stories with many others' men and women alike. I am the girl everyone seems to trust, so I hear allllll the best stories...leaving nothing to the imagination, and it boggles me the extent of nutty bonkers that humans go to in sex and relationships. 

Some men like their balls pulled, to the point where you feel as though their scrotum is going to detach. Am I faulting them for that? Nope, but I am in essence leaving this image burned in the brain of women who at least 50% of them now will, the next time in bed, tug a dude's nuts.

Some women ink with the ol' come hither oral sex trick, in essence, at least 50% of men reading this who secretly fucking hate themselves cuz they don't know if their chick is faking the overly boisterous orgasms, will try and see.

Some men have a soft spot for women with nails, and by nails I mean scratching their backs.

Some women only suggest being on top when the sex is so-so and she wants to TCOB. If this sounds familiar, my bad :)

Tearing a new asshole, OR, making your sex and relationships better!? :)

Making history, one day at a time.

WOMP

I am more than tired of hearing from men how great I am. (I know, woe is me right?) ...But truly. I hear, a lot, from men in FL and still NJ how smart I am, how pretty I am, how successful I have become, how independent I am, how loving and caring and helpful I try to be, how sexy I can act, how honest I am....

YET, 

I go out and find the ones who clearly DON'T think these things, and make a challenge out of it...

Part of the reason I moved was so that I could break away from that habit...and in florida I tried. The compliments listed above givin by first impression-nice guys, I took. I gave them a try...

And it bombed.

I forgot how bulletproof I was when I didn't care back about men...When I didn't care if it worked out because it was all a sheer game. They would try to play me, but you can't play with someone who knows each move you're about to make in the chess game of "fucking someone over"

I had strength I almost wish I didn't have, to look someone in the face who really did care about me, and say, "I like you...but not, LIKE you."

I had no heart when it came to sex either. I didn't need to like you like that to have full on porn star sex...But I knew how to act like I cared. I did to men, what men do to usually good girls that like them. They compliment them enough to make them think you're interested. They'll flirt with you publicly. They'll take you home. Use you...And then shade off into the distance. 

Was I that broken from the 8 years of scumfucks that I had no real desire to fall in love, or let a decent human being into my life?

Yep.

And then I come to Florida, ready to find true love, the love you have for yourself.

And I did. 

And everything began falling into place.

I'd be open-minded about who I met, and mildly cautious...never LOOKING for anything to come from the dates I'd go on, or the nice conversation from interesting men. I say MEN because I don't date young. I find the maturity level I am looking for doesn't fit most 23 year old men.

I was guarded on who I put my trust into. 

I've met two men in this state who I knew I could potentially care about. 

The first one, definitely not my type judging from the men I dated in NJ...not even a little bit...and it was nice. 

However, the second I actually showed signs of caring, you could put a fucking fork in it because it was done.

Luckily, I recover in minutes because I'm all too positive, and as much as dwelling on bullshit sounds soooo appetizing...it's just not my style.

The other came out of no where...on a night where I was feeling like absolute shit. 

I was beginning to feel like my every day and night was consumed by work, and my homesickness was increasing. The men I was meeting were slobs...It was disheartening. Then I meet a guy who on paper LOOKED like what I was looking for exactly. Conversations were great. He looked great. Talked, like I like men to talk. Joked, and actually made me laugh, not my pretend laugh when I roll my eyes uncomfortably. We went places I liked. Had good conversation. Then, my "going to shit quickly" radar picked up. I know when a man is no longer feeling it, shit, I do the same thing when I'm not feeling it...only I have no problem saying peace immediately. 

And here I am. I could revert to the old nikki, who was used to getting shit on, and pull some boohoo sob story and say God I am never going to find a good guy! :( I hate men. No one will love me...womp womp womp.

Do I get curious as to how so many can think I am so amazing, but the few I find to be extraordinary could give no fucks? Yep. 

However, I am content alone because I would rather be alone than settle for what I am not looking for. 

Or settle for someone who doesn't treat me epic...because that is what I do for people I care about. 

Again I say, thank you to the men who have cheated on me, thank you to the men who have hit me, or been aggressive, thank you to the alcoholics, and white trash I put my heart into, thank you to the drug dealers and addicts I "loved"..thanks to the one night stands, and the one night standoffs, thanks to the awkward snuggers, the emotionally damaged, the tattooed manwhores with dirty obsessions, the egotistical rockstars, the men who called me ugly and fat, and the ones I just wasn't worth keeping around... thank you. Thank you, because of you I have endless stories, that have made me a strong fucking woman...And I WILL somehow make money off of this someday.

Dicks.

Writer's Block.

I am unhappy to report that I have writer's block when it comes to my own life. I have no opinions as of right now, or insight as to how I feel these days.

Not negatively speaking however, I am still veryyyy positive.

However, I have absolutely no problem, or shame, in writing about love and sex in general.

So it's coming. In due time.

First Dates.

First dates can be awkward.

Especially blind dates.

Sometimes there are unrealistic expectations.
Sometimes there are odd silences.
Sometimes right off the bat you know this is going no where.
Sometimes right off the bat you know this is going some where.
Sometimes you can't find the right words to say.
Sometimes you say too much.
Sometimes your belly hurts and you don't know if its butterflies, anxiety, or bad sushi.
Sometimes you feel as though you are only physically attracted to the person.
Sometimes you feel like you only really find their personality attractive.
Sometimes you have one too many drinks.
Sometimes THEY have one too many drinks.
Sometimes you both are shy.
Sometimes you have NOTHING in common.
Sometimes you have everything in common.

Talk about pressure.
Why is it that when an evening is labeled a first date, it immediately becomes some ordeal?
You and another human being are going out into a public place to meet and get to know one another. Why is it easier to make a friend washing your hands in the bathroom by simply handing them a paper towel? Why is it LESS awkward to talk to your gynecologist about your skiing trip this winter while getting a damn pap smear than it is to ask a man what his favorite food is?

Why do you get emotionally off kilter in the presence of someone new because you think you might say the wrong thing, or look the wrong way? This is why new relationships right off the bat after only one or two dates normally end in turmoil. Because you are so busy trying to impress someone, that the real YOU doesn't even come through for a while for your new partner to see.

How can a new interest in your life, truly appreciate you if you aren't completely open with them. I am not saying have your first date at starbucks and bring your laptop and say here, look over my facebook for a little bit and explore my entire life via internet while I go grab my photo albums and scrap books from all of my previous relationships and then you can show me yours and tell me when every single thing in your life that made you sad, mad, or happy happened...and then, I want you to point out every flaw I have, and every good asset, and then I am going to do the same, that way after 3 hours I know every single thing about you! :) no. no. no. no. I am not saying lay out your entire life timeline on the bar table and leave no room for finding new qualities in you...I am simply saying, don't be someone else because you feel as though this first date needs to go somewhere. Not every first date will end in marriage. Not every first date will have a second date. Not every first date will end with a hug or a kiss or an "I'll call you"...

Can you imagine how much easier "dating" would be if we didn't refer to it as dating.

Life would be easier if we all just went out with people we found interesting and just let loose and had a good time with intelligent conversation. When you go out assuming this WILL go somewhere, you tend to put all your eggs in one basket and add unnecessary pressure on the night.

Go out with people you KNOW there will be potential connection with, not the first person who shows interest in you even if you believe in your heart you are not going to fall for them. Unless you make it known you are going out as friends lifting the DATE aspect off the night. Because then, who is to say once that pressure is gone and you go out as friends that you wont fall for the real them now...Ya dig!?

I always say I hate dating.
That it is awkward and weird.
So I am going to start non-date dating.
If you have no expectations, you have no let downs.
All you have is two people, out together, enjoying each other's company.
If something happens, that means it happened purely because of compatibility.

On that note. I have a non-date to get ready for this evening. ;) haha

Quick Clear Up

For those of you catching my blog mid way...I need to emphasize to my male readers, if you see a blog about men doing shitty things, that does not mean that this is some Feminazi page degrading men and being completely against them.

I am a fan of the male species.

I would like to fall in love some day, with a MAN.

In fact, I probably defend men more than women. I understand men, probably more than women.

I am an honest open minded chick who writes about love and lust and sex and bad oral sex and bad breath.

It is not a She Man Dude Haters Club, in the least.

Thank you. And Good Day.

In Reality.

In reality, I took a huge chance with this blog.

I sacrificed the possibility of awful judgments, cruel words, or hurt feelings.

I put my experiences out in the open, to hope to change maybe one or two views, opinions, lives.

I write everyday not just for your help, entertainment, comedic relief...but because all of these experiences, good or bad....are my past.

What better way to move into the present and on to the future than to leave everything on paper (or internet) freeing up some new brain space?

Mystery in someone is exciting, and don't worry. I can have mystery, but I've been in positions where people want to talk about me, or creating lies out of truths to make me look bad...Hell, I've made many friends by threatening my enemies with a simple "do you know me? anything about me? no? why don't we have a drink and when you finish if you still hate me, THEN talk shit...if not, shut the fuck up."

If I tell everyone the truth all the time, I don't leave myself open for slander...not many people take that type of risk...and I am clearly not like many people.

Someday I will be famous.
I will make sure of it.
The girl who was true to herself, and to maybe someday, I can say true to my "fans"...I will always tell it like it is...I will always be confident and comfortable enough to put my feelings into words for the world to see...even if its not always a bright idea...

I'm as real as it gets.
My heart is bigger than I know what to do with sometimes.
I am blunt. I am honest.

I am Nikki Fucking Ferrone.

Hear.Me.Roar.