Signs that your "date" is a playerrrrr. (Men & Women)
1- Checks their phone every three minutes. If grammy ain't in the hospital, well then someone wants some smush smush on the other end of that line.
*Possibility: They are messaging their best friend about how a) hott you are. b) how they wanna bag you like a grocery. c) how awful the date it. d) whos winning the big game. e) how you aren't hot, but they'd tap it anyway.
2- They DON'T have a Facebook because they say "it causes drama"...Yes, fbook absolutely causes drama...but if it caused so much previously that you deleted it...well then, you clearly are dropping your wick in one too many candles my friend. Or, if they have a facebook, but refuse to add you. What you don't see, you can't believe correct? Some people really just don't like facebook and I respect that. But if there is a shady excuse...then that's another story. Hell. I don't even like adding dudes I talk to at first, because who knows if they go nutty bonkers once they see my page. (Case in point: met a guy in florida who seemed normal...he grabbed hold of my fbook and asked me who every single guy in my default pictures was....UMMMM. what? A. My ex is in my pics and he is frigen beautiful, so if you wanna hate on how he looks thats one thing, but to think that a picture over a year old is something you can grill me about when I don't even know your ass? You must be twisted. B. My guy friends are attractive gentlemen, like it or leave it broski.) *A more than acceptable excuse for not having a page, is law enforcement or a job restriction.
3- They kiss you within the first hour of the date...If you haven't been out with this guy or girl for more than an hour and they are already checking the back of your throat with their tongue...imagine where that tongue wants to be in 3 hours, hott damn. The first hour should be feeling each other out, not feeling each other up.
*Possibility: You just met the person of your dreams and the passion is so intense you go for the gold....(highly unlikely, ya floozy)
4- You go from talking all day everyday to few and far between convos. This is a sign that this person has lost interest, met someone else, is a closet shitbag, or they have commitment issues and would rather get it in, meet someone else, do it all over again, and back out slowly causing a cycle of attention into romance into awkward avoidance of commitment into shadester peace out into next victim. I am guilty of having done this to poor innocent men, therefore, I can call em before I see em. I however, would be honest about not wanting commitment and would deal with them being mad about my honesty. That was when I thought relationships were the devil due to years of toxic men that I gave everything to...But, you live. You learn.
5- They try to sleep with you the first night. The end.
*If you go for it, and they try raw-doggin you, clearly not their first rodeo...*
Now, if you aren't on a date, just a casual rendez-vous...then naturally this doesn't apply to you, because clearly both parties are mutually just as guilty of playing the opposite sex.
6- You call, get no answer, but a quick reply with a text right after. Ahhh the old ignore n text game. It is self explanatory.
This is all for now.
Good Luck Suckers.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year Inspirationnn
Happy New Years Everyone!
Today is 1/1/11
First day, of the first month, of a new year. A majority of individuals in the world mark today as the first day of the rest of their lives, making some huge change or setting an ambitious goal that they want to achieve in this brand new year.
Well, I want to drop 20 lbs, and I will. I want to be successful, I will. I want my hair to grow long again, I will (I mean unless I have a WOOPS Britney Spears anxiety attack again and chop it all off, however, thank god I am a talented biatch with a pair of hair-cutting shears). These are all things I want, and I am a positivity junkie, therefore, if I want something bad enough, I will stay positive and optimistic. I will actually make the moves to get those things, not just plan for it to and wait for a shitstorm of luck to breeze past me and drop all my hopes and dreams into my lazy lap and live happily ever after. Not realistic. MAKE MOVES, NOT PLANS. My quote, and it's a matter of time before those words are etched into my flesh constantly reminding me that if ya want change, ya gotta change. If you need something, then you're gonna go do what you can to get it, to never take time or other people for granted bc time is limited, and people are not going to be there forever, so why screw up the two?
Some people say this is the year of the economy, that its going to rise back up and peace will be restored to the suffering human beings across the nation. Some people say this is the year of new love, that peace will be restored to the other suffering human beings across the nation. I say, this is the year of YOU. (i.e. the year of ME)
This should be the year you stop living a life of mediocrity. A year where you stop living for others, and start living for you. Where you stop just surviving, and start living.
Why wouldn't you sculpt yourself into the person you've always aspired to be, if the tools are just baby steps away? It bothers me when people make excuses for why they aren't doing what they love, or loving who they want. Because there is ALWAYS a way. Sometimes, due to circumstances beyond our control we run into mild speed bumps down the road to who we want to be, but that never means you should pull over to the side and wait for mother nature to erode the streets making the bumps go away, or waiting for newer, easier roads to be paved...You need to truck the fuck on and take action of your life.
My career has always been my core, my work ethic is astounding and I take pride in that. I have taken the steps I need to further and enhance my career, hell I moved 18 hours away to do it.
My personality is stellar in my eyes, because I am real. I am honest, I am caring, I am devoted to those around me and the tasks that I accept. I will always be different and true to myself, so my personality needs no vamping this year.
Which brings me to what did need a little makeover...my choice of men.
As I've stated before, I'd PICK the men I wanted in my life. I wanted the men that were emotionally unavailable, man whores, dudes that did NOT want commitment. I did this because there was no awkward expectation...there was no clinging...and most importantly...if I knew there was no hope for a future, I knew there was no chance of being hurt...this always backfired in my face...one of two things would happen...the tough guy would start to actually care about me, and I would run like a bat out of hell...or I would have my fun and be done with it before even a glimmer of drama or complication would come out of it. On to the next one.
One of my guy friends said to me a few months ago, "I wish I was heartless, then I could just not give a fuck about girls, and I could fuck around and never get hurt"...considering almost all my friends know that I became numb to love, relationships, sex, etc...this bothered me.
I told him that it is the loneliest life being heartless. That I have more pain inside of me by not letting people in, than getting hurt a few times. Do you know how lonely it is laying next to someone who thinks you're so special, but all you can think is "please, get out of my bed...I don't want to cuddle. I don't want to talk...You're just not what I am looking for"...or how lonely it is watching amazing men you've completely brushed off because they really liked you and WERENT a p.o.s., be happy with someone else, and wondering, well, what's wrong with me that I couldn't let them make me happy.
I could sit and get mushy gushy, but the real fact of the matter is, I LOVE who I am. It took a long time to get here. And after all I have been through the past decade, I deserve to be with someone just as badass as me...and in hindsight, none of the men, good guys, bad guys, woops guys, were who I want to end up with, so clearly, there is no reason to dwell. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe everything in my life was placed in front of me to mold me into the exact woman I am today.
I now make people beautiful day in and day out, I get people buzzing at my bar and listen to their day and give advice, my ass is in shape and I work hard for what I have, and, best of all, I have the stories, experiences, advice, comedy, and straight up pizazz *oh yeah, totally said pizazz*, for all of you readers right now.
So prepare for detailed stories that will make you piss your pants laughing, or cringe in sheer disbelief....<3 Happy new year...
This is YOUR year :)
Friday, December 31, 2010
My Midnight Madness
I will be here, home, alone, with my 3 pups, like a crazy dog lady at midnight.
I will kiss mommy's little man at 12 am...and be completely content. Midnight starts the rest of my life..a little more than a year to the end of mankind supposedly...aw sookie sookie now!
I will kiss mommy's little man at 12 am...and be completely content. Midnight starts the rest of my life..a little more than a year to the end of mankind supposedly...aw sookie sookie now!
Kissless on New Years Eve?
As if being alone on Thanksgiving and working through Christmas wasn't bad enough, let's throw in a holiday at the tail end of the year celebrating change and transition into a newer, healthier, and hopefully happy year, by putting a SHIT TON of emphasis on a new year's eve kiss.
As I recollect my past few years on this annual occasion, I find a deep inconsistency...2005 into 2006 I spent with my ex and our friends while in highschool. Drunk, belligerent, ya know, that good good kinda evening. 2006 into 2007 I ate my first half a zanex, drank mass amounts of miller lite, jager, and champagne and spent the latter half of the evening either vomitting blood in a sink while Jen held my hair back, or singing Eve's Love is Blind rap on the toilet while urinating with the water running (shy bladder) with mascara blackened tears streaming down my face accompanied by a priceless smile. 2007 into 2008 I blew an entire gram of coke up my nose, marking my new years resolution to stop doing drugs, drank about a bottle of stoli raz, kissed my ultimate enemy at midnight... (a big tall dumb bitch who I almost curb stomped at least once a week for two years after to come)...blacked out, and woke up next to Tracy Carbone (not a fail.) 2008 into 2009 was spent singing rockband with my entire CT family shwasted off of ultimate margaritas and teaching my cousins the stanky leg...2009 into 2010 was spent working, then going to my ex bfs house (also my apartment...we had split a month prior)...getting ready in front of him before we went separate ways...I figured I was going to be wearing a serious booby shirt that needed tape to keep my little twins in, and if he saw how great I looked he'd clearly want me back...yes well, I caught a ride back to his apartment around 1:15 am...spent the night with him having filthy drunken new years relations, and we got back together...odd....and now tonight...2010 is a wrap...and I have no solid plans except to eat dinner with friends.
To be honest, as much as a grade school makeout sesh would be mildly appropriate tonight, I don't want some dirt mcgirt random joe shmo to touch me tonight...I'd much rather pee at midnight, or sneeze at midnight ensuring no one comes near me (and everyone knows i have OCD and DONT sneeze in public)..or id rather kiss a fat lonely dude on the cheek at midnight, or just throw back a shot of patron!
I think New Years Eve kisses are rad and shit, but that person becomes the first thing of 2011...that memory is your first experience in a BRAND NEW YEAR!
What if I find a boy and kiss him, and he tongue rapes my mouth...or a guy who skips the lips and goes straight for a saliva homerun? What if he has bad breath? What if he has gingivitis?! What if his gum gets caught on my gum? What if he has herpes!?!??
Do I REALLY want herpes at midnight!?
All signs point to hell no.
The fact of the matter is, and the moral of this story is...
Tonight, if you are single, or kissless...fucking embrace it. This just means that you are so badass, that you don't NEED a kiss like a whiney little oh woe is me bitch...Celebrate that you are going into 2011 independent and ready to take on the world...that you are strong enough ALONE to start a new year...and if you are lonely, than this a night to transition into a more positive mental attitude, preparing your head, heart, and soul for a new year that cannot be broken...This is a time to say goodnight to the past, and happy new year to your future. YOU decide what comes in 2011, 2011 doesn't...and shit, enjoy it, we might all burst into flames next year anyway.
So tonight, if you're kissin', then kiss on babies! And happy new year!
And if you're not, then props, it isnt a bad thing.
P.S. I talk a big game but I'll prob end up makin out with a fat chick <3 happy new years!
As I recollect my past few years on this annual occasion, I find a deep inconsistency...2005 into 2006 I spent with my ex and our friends while in highschool. Drunk, belligerent, ya know, that good good kinda evening. 2006 into 2007 I ate my first half a zanex, drank mass amounts of miller lite, jager, and champagne and spent the latter half of the evening either vomitting blood in a sink while Jen held my hair back, or singing Eve's Love is Blind rap on the toilet while urinating with the water running (shy bladder) with mascara blackened tears streaming down my face accompanied by a priceless smile. 2007 into 2008 I blew an entire gram of coke up my nose, marking my new years resolution to stop doing drugs, drank about a bottle of stoli raz, kissed my ultimate enemy at midnight... (a big tall dumb bitch who I almost curb stomped at least once a week for two years after to come)...blacked out, and woke up next to Tracy Carbone (not a fail.) 2008 into 2009 was spent singing rockband with my entire CT family shwasted off of ultimate margaritas and teaching my cousins the stanky leg...2009 into 2010 was spent working, then going to my ex bfs house (also my apartment...we had split a month prior)...getting ready in front of him before we went separate ways...I figured I was going to be wearing a serious booby shirt that needed tape to keep my little twins in, and if he saw how great I looked he'd clearly want me back...yes well, I caught a ride back to his apartment around 1:15 am...spent the night with him having filthy drunken new years relations, and we got back together...odd....and now tonight...2010 is a wrap...and I have no solid plans except to eat dinner with friends.
To be honest, as much as a grade school makeout sesh would be mildly appropriate tonight, I don't want some dirt mcgirt random joe shmo to touch me tonight...I'd much rather pee at midnight, or sneeze at midnight ensuring no one comes near me (and everyone knows i have OCD and DONT sneeze in public)..or id rather kiss a fat lonely dude on the cheek at midnight, or just throw back a shot of patron!
I think New Years Eve kisses are rad and shit, but that person becomes the first thing of 2011...that memory is your first experience in a BRAND NEW YEAR!
What if I find a boy and kiss him, and he tongue rapes my mouth...or a guy who skips the lips and goes straight for a saliva homerun? What if he has bad breath? What if he has gingivitis?! What if his gum gets caught on my gum? What if he has herpes!?!??
Do I REALLY want herpes at midnight!?
All signs point to hell no.
The fact of the matter is, and the moral of this story is...
Tonight, if you are single, or kissless...fucking embrace it. This just means that you are so badass, that you don't NEED a kiss like a whiney little oh woe is me bitch...Celebrate that you are going into 2011 independent and ready to take on the world...that you are strong enough ALONE to start a new year...and if you are lonely, than this a night to transition into a more positive mental attitude, preparing your head, heart, and soul for a new year that cannot be broken...This is a time to say goodnight to the past, and happy new year to your future. YOU decide what comes in 2011, 2011 doesn't...and shit, enjoy it, we might all burst into flames next year anyway.
So tonight, if you're kissin', then kiss on babies! And happy new year!
And if you're not, then props, it isnt a bad thing.
P.S. I talk a big game but I'll prob end up makin out with a fat chick <3 happy new years!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Please Do Not. Part II
The first section got good, quick feedback...so while I'm at it...Let's get a little more daring...
6. DO NOT, and I mean, in real talk here, EVER, when a woman is performing fellatio (ya don't know what it is? then ya prob don't catch many beejs...*don't know what a beej is? then you probably have never seen a tit before...*) PUSH her head down. Ever. And all yall biddies know what I am referring to. I don't care if you are catching a blow jay from Sasha Grey herself, NO woman wants you to forcefully push her head down on your dick. Sorry. AND, survey says, that when this has happened, it's normally a dude with an exceptionally small weiner and an unflattering ego that does NOT overcompensate for what little blueberries are growing in his patch. The end.
P.S. I am putting this out there, that if ever in this instance a male does this to me, I am going to bite your dick off and spit it in the person who raised you's face and thank them for bringing up such a dapper young man. Fucking scumtards.
7. Shave between your buttcheeks. It is uncessary because I don't want to put anything near your asshole. And if that day comes that I DO want to play with your ass, I'm sure I'm probably a bottle of tequila deep and ass hair will be the least of my concerns...And if you do do this, I don't want to baby powder your ass bc of your unbearable painful stubble for a week...jesus.
8. Get so intoxicated that your dick stops working. i.e. Whiskey dick. ...It's never cute...and while apologizing for lack of performance they are normally breathing budweiser and cig stench over top of you...fail fail...If ya wanna get laid...monitor your alcohol. Please.
Please Do Not. Part I
This section shall be self-explanatory...These are things that have happened and have been said...All direct quotes or actions from a REAL LIFE experience...
Men and Women can relate to some of these I'm sure so I'll make them general....
(And if you read this and questions yourself "wait...was that me?"...chances are it was. Woops.
PLEASE DO NOT:
1. Please do not ask how sex is, whilst engaging in the act... (not referring to dirty talk, i.e. "you like that?")...When you are asking with an paining insecurity in your voice...its a big turn off. Get confident, watch a porno, go to therapy, I don't care, but don't bug me about if you're doing things right to the point where it becomes a fucking conversation...ridiculous.
2. Don't name your dick. Please. Just don't.
"8 inches of hate"
"Italian Stallion"
"Little guy" -- <--BAHAHAHAHA yep. True life.
"Sau-seege" (kinda funny)
3. Invite me over at an odd hour of the night and INTRODUCE me to ANYONE. I'm sorry. But if you are not my boyfriend, or someone who I could potentially spend a lot of time with I DO NOT want to meet your mom your dad your gramma your child your neighbor your best friends...I'll meet your dog if its a badass bc Im a sucker for dogs...but shit...and ESPECIALLY after 10 pm, its just poor manners. Oh, and if you live with your parents still and are trying to give the business to someone, don't bring them back home and say "we have to be quiet hehe"....SYKE....go back to sophmore year you pussies.
4. Burp WHILE making out...YEAH. Accidents happen, especially when you are drinking. Say excuse me god forbid...But if you are mid tongue wrestle and burp INTO my mouth and DONT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT...then ring the bell, round over, KO, you're done, goodbye, did you eat hotdogs? fuck you. Grody grody.
5. No girl likes her nips pinched like a crab. The end.
To be continued...
Men and Women can relate to some of these I'm sure so I'll make them general....
(And if you read this and questions yourself "wait...was that me?"...chances are it was. Woops.
PLEASE DO NOT:
1. Please do not ask how sex is, whilst engaging in the act... (not referring to dirty talk, i.e. "you like that?")...When you are asking with an paining insecurity in your voice...its a big turn off. Get confident, watch a porno, go to therapy, I don't care, but don't bug me about if you're doing things right to the point where it becomes a fucking conversation...ridiculous.
2. Don't name your dick. Please. Just don't.
"8 inches of hate"
"Italian Stallion"
"Little guy" -- <--BAHAHAHAHA yep. True life.
"Sau-seege" (kinda funny)
3. Invite me over at an odd hour of the night and INTRODUCE me to ANYONE. I'm sorry. But if you are not my boyfriend, or someone who I could potentially spend a lot of time with I DO NOT want to meet your mom your dad your gramma your child your neighbor your best friends...I'll meet your dog if its a badass bc Im a sucker for dogs...but shit...and ESPECIALLY after 10 pm, its just poor manners. Oh, and if you live with your parents still and are trying to give the business to someone, don't bring them back home and say "we have to be quiet hehe"....SYKE....go back to sophmore year you pussies.
4. Burp WHILE making out...YEAH. Accidents happen, especially when you are drinking. Say excuse me god forbid...But if you are mid tongue wrestle and burp INTO my mouth and DONT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT...then ring the bell, round over, KO, you're done, goodbye, did you eat hotdogs? fuck you. Grody grody.
5. No girl likes her nips pinched like a crab. The end.
To be continued...
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Name Game.
For 2 years now, any guy I was interested in got a special name in my phone.
No one had their REAL name in my phone unless I actually cared about them...My ex that I lived with, Had his name with a <3 next to it...And besides him only one human being got the privilege of having their real name on my phone.
In turn, only one human after my ex I actually cared about to the point of butterflies...but that naturally blew up in my face the second I felt any sort of emotion...
Anywho...I thought I would share some name that emerged in my old Verizon cell phone I just found from my summer in NJ....wowza...
E $
Black Magic
Ginger Snap
Woah
No Sleepover
Handsome
Fuck You
Huffy <3
Fail
Idk how to feel about that...
No one had their REAL name in my phone unless I actually cared about them...My ex that I lived with, Had his name with a <3 next to it...And besides him only one human being got the privilege of having their real name on my phone.
In turn, only one human after my ex I actually cared about to the point of butterflies...but that naturally blew up in my face the second I felt any sort of emotion...
Anywho...I thought I would share some name that emerged in my old Verizon cell phone I just found from my summer in NJ....wowza...
E $
Black Magic
Ginger Snap
Woah
No Sleepover
Handsome
Fuck You
Huffy <3
Fail
Idk how to feel about that...
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