Before I really get down to business with a few posts tonight, I wanted to write to the ladies (and hey, gents too!) who are single, and not really digging it.
"I can't find a good man"
"I can't find a legit, good girl"
"I meet douchebags"
"Bitches be crazy"
"I hate men"
"Fuckin cunts"
"We slept together, and now he's acting shady"
"I banged her, and she stopped calling"
"He said he really liked me though"
"She acts one way with me, and another way when we're around other people"
"He only texts me when he's wasted"
"She said we're better off as friends"
"He said I'm like one of the guys"
"He said he just wants something to have fun with"
"She said she's too busy, and doesn't want to date anyone right now, but is sleeping with him"
"Went back to the ex"
Ya see...girls, guys, men, women, they all go through the same mumbo jumbo when single, yet lonely.
If you are single and content with being single, and like your alone time... you don't need anything, or want anything. You are open to letting potential love come into your life, but you aren't bum rushing the community looking for love!
It breaks my heart when I hear my friends, girls and guys, come to me and tell me that they are lonely, or sad. It tears me up that some of the most amazing and beautiful people I know start doubting their looks and personality because they haven't found a decent human being that treats them like gold yet.
To you people, you KNOW who you are...here is someone giving you the real deal honest truth.
When you are lonely, look in the mirror. If you look at yourself and pick yourself apart, and beat yourself up...CHANGE IT. What man or woman would want to be with someone who is down on themselves? Odds are, you are probably fucking gorgeous, or handsome, but some idiot from your past broke you down leaving you open to insecurity...change it. Start believing you are worth meeting someone great. Start knowing that in this world there is always someone out there who when asked "what do you look for in a girl?", describes YOU. "What do you look for in a man?"...guess what, some beautiful girl out there is sitting at dinner with her friend and friend's fiancee describing the man YOU are, wishing she could be a lucky girl out with her man.
It is true.
How many gorgeous tattooed, pierced girls, who love art, and work hard...beat themselves up? I know I did, and a lot of girls I know do. We think, ugh, where are all the sexy, tattooed men? Where are all the hard workers? Then we settle for the first thing that comes along that finds us exciting, even if its not our type. How many times have you been called a fantasy girl? I know I have. I have met suave, tattoo-free, business men who are smitten by me because I am "different"...they lay on the charm...make you feel so unique...well, once desk jockey has a taste of the wild side, they come to terms that they would never walk you down a punk rock wedding aisle or introduce you to their family without a cardigan covering your tattoos..and just like that, game over. But, 100% of the time, you weren't looking for that type of guy, but we become so vulnerable in a state of loneliness that sometimes we settle, even while truly knowing nothing will come of it.
Or what about dainty little homebody girls...who are looking for Mr. Desk Jockey...who want someone special, but want live on the edge a little bit...Daddy is Reverend and has been married to mommy forever, and she's never touched a drug or gotten shit tanked wasted, or rode the back of a street bike...so instead of finding her real definition of Mr. Right, because it might take some effort she'll fall for a badass rocker who can't find his rockstar princess. And in due time this girl will pick the boy apart, she will judge, she will find things stupid, she will try to dress him, she will try to control him...and then she will probably leave him. Then, the boy will have issues...see the cycle?
How about the sweet innocent good guys who fall for the "hott" girl. You know, the girl that doesn't ever have a boyfriend. The girl who spends time with you and says sweet things to you, and calls you and texts you, but doesn't ever make any moves. Then one day you finally confess your feelings for her and she puts you in the friend zone, yet never had a problem accepting your compliments, or telling you how wonderful you are...Yep.
What happens when you are Mr. Desk Jockey, using the tattooed girl.
What happens when you are the rocker that settles for a less than awesome cookie cutter broad...
Or when you are that girl and you are using Mr. Tattoos for a thrill...
What happens when you feel the heartache of falling for a friend that you were sure felt the same way.
What happens when you are the friend that knew someone was falling for you, but you let it escalate and hurt them?
...What happens when you are so over being lonely that you attach to the first thing that shows you happiness again...but the happiness fades. What do you do when you are finally in a relationship again, but you know that something is off, that the truth is not always clear...or you KNOW in your heart of hearts that this person is NOT the one...do you stay because you like the feeling of being in a relationship EVEN if it compromises your self respect and your heart? No. You don't. You don't ever stay with someone or spend time with someone who makes you feel like in some way, shape, or form that you aren't good enough. Ever.
Which brings me back to being SINGLE and OKAY with it.
When you can finally appreciate yourself enough to the point where you can sit at home alone with yourself, and say hey, I am a good person. I am a catch. I am alone today, because I am not going to settle with mediocre...I am great enough that I deserve to wait until I meet someone who knows how good I am. I am going to stay single until I meet someone that I want to make smile and laugh and feel good because THEY deserve it. SETTLE, needs to escape your mind...because that is when our emotions get the best of us and we make a quick-paced rash decision, that ends in negativity and regret.
I stopped believing in love for a long time, and the day I discovered that love does exist, and it is the most beautiful thing in the world...was the day I realized I finally loved myself.
It took me 22 years. It took 8 years of complete assholes in my life, months upon months of me being an asshole, addiction, pain, mistakes, success, hard work, struggles, debt, family, friends, abuse, heartbreak, love, loss, relationships, fights, graduations, careers, promotions, failures, sex, booze, drugs, tears, smiles, etc....22 years to look in the mirror for the first time and KNOW that I was a fucking phenomenal woman. To KNOW that any man would truly be lucky if I fell in love with him, because there is no more powerful human in this world, than a human who believes in them self. You truly can not love someone whole-heartedly without truly loving who you are. If you do not love yourself than your new years resolution should be just that. You need to mold your single self into a person that you yourself would want to be with. If you aren't happy with yourself, how can a man or woman be?
I wrote this blog to show you that loneliness happens...but life isn't so lonely if you stop looking for answers out there in the world that you can only find within yourself. I bet a million dollar that the person reading my blog out loud, who is single, is beautiful. I bet you are a great looking human. But I also bet there is someone in your life who crushed you at one point. I bet you don't trust easy...I bet you miss having someone hold your hand. Or you are tired of being a third wheel...Or you are tired of the bar scene...Or tired of thinking about your ex when you are lonely even though they prob didn't even treat you good. I bet you are "talking" to people who don't exactly meet your "type" criteria...I bet you gave up even having a type because you thought hey there are slim pickins out there, I'll be lucky with anything!..FAIL...
Embrace being single for now. Love yourself today. Respect yourself. Believe in yourself. And when you do, you can kiss single life good bye....because THAT is when the lucky boy or girl is going to unexpectedly waltz into your life...and sweep you off your feet, because you deserve it...
When in doubt, get out. Never settle. Know your worth. Live, Love, Learn baby!
P.S. Life would be easier if tattooed girl met tattooed boy, if homebody broad met Mr. Deck Jockey and if girl friend stopped being a dumbass and let good guy love her...she'd prob be surprised.
Love you all. The end.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Something witty that just kinda slipped out.
I love pasts. Without past, we wouldn't be present. Without the present, we have no future. Everybody is one big unfinished story...But every chapter counts. ♥
I am proud to say I had no idear how rad this quote was, until I re-read my text. You're welcome.
I am proud to say I had no idear how rad this quote was, until I re-read my text. You're welcome.
Monday, January 3, 2011
First Kiss.
First kisses.
They are exciting.
HOWEVER.
A first kiss can sometimes make or break a new, budding romance.
Here are the "kissers" that NO ONE likes, ladies, gents, take note.
The "too much tongue" FAIL. (i.e. you try to be cute and subtle with a little tongue, and this noobs tongue pile drives yours...if your face has more saliva on it than a dog after Pavlov's bell theory, than you my friend, need training. NO GIRL, (or guy) wants to feel like a cow at popcorn park zoo just raped their face..no one.
The "too little tongue" FAIL (i.e. there is nothing more fucking annoyin than tryin to heat the kiss up and feeling like you're trying to make out with a newborn kitten, its fucking weird. If you are gonna fish mouth me, atleast slip the tongue, or just go home, its really dumb.
The "who needs lips when I think I am an OG and can just tongue you like a washed up porn star" FAIL. (i.e. this is a true story...I met a man...who I thought was great. Nice truck, beautiful home that he owned, pretty decent personality (dumb as a box of rocks, but I mean, work wise, I liked what he had going for him....HOWEVER....Our first kiss, it did not giveme butterflies that GOOD first kisses should. I went for lip on lip initial action and he wound up poking his tongue out like a cracked out lizard..I mean it didn't go back in...normally I'll give the benefit of the doubt because I am a great kisser (for those of you that think, wow, a little cocky, if I have kissed you, you know I am not lying, correct? Right :) I'm a passionate lover, thank you.) anywho...like i said normally i'll give the benefit of the doubt and I will begin to secretly train you in the sexiest way possible bc you can't kiss poorly and expect another date...it just can't happen. But I felt like I was in the movie anaconda and that snake was mauling my face. Needless to say this man never got better because I gave him a chance because of his pool and work ethic but he wound up also not being able to do anything remotely good in the bedroom (and I saw this coming due to the poor kissing...what a shame)
The "super-speed tongue" FAIL...listen I know 2012 is a comin, and you're worried, but don't try to fast forward a 10 minute makeout into 13 seconds by rapid firing your slimy tongue in and around my mouth...its like you are trying to play darts with my uvula and its fucking grody.
And then, sometimes you get the best kisses, from awkward individuals that you pin secretly in your mind to be bad kissers, that's always fun.
AND, you get the amazing kissers, from the amazing humans, and that is one of life's greatest aspects...
One in particular, and I doubt they will even know I'm talking about them, was so utterly adorable when he first kissed me. Did the ol' grab the chin softly old school trick (ask any chick, if you go and hold her chin and pull her face in and kiss her soft, bingo. ) and kissed me softly. Right amount of tongue, stopped, and kissed my forehead (again, ask any girl, you kiss her forehead, shes butta!)...CLEARLY this fellar knew what to do and this was not his first rodeo...but it gave me butterflies, because it was such a good kiss...not nausea because I thought his tongue was going to detach and readjust my face...
Kisses are important, but FIRST kisses are serious!
Brush up on your tongue etiquette or one day you will end up on some broad's blog.
They are exciting.
HOWEVER.
A first kiss can sometimes make or break a new, budding romance.
Here are the "kissers" that NO ONE likes, ladies, gents, take note.
The "too much tongue" FAIL. (i.e. you try to be cute and subtle with a little tongue, and this noobs tongue pile drives yours...if your face has more saliva on it than a dog after Pavlov's bell theory, than you my friend, need training. NO GIRL, (or guy) wants to feel like a cow at popcorn park zoo just raped their face..no one.
The "too little tongue" FAIL (i.e. there is nothing more fucking annoyin than tryin to heat the kiss up and feeling like you're trying to make out with a newborn kitten, its fucking weird. If you are gonna fish mouth me, atleast slip the tongue, or just go home, its really dumb.
The "who needs lips when I think I am an OG and can just tongue you like a washed up porn star" FAIL. (i.e. this is a true story...I met a man...who I thought was great. Nice truck, beautiful home that he owned, pretty decent personality (dumb as a box of rocks, but I mean, work wise, I liked what he had going for him....HOWEVER....Our first kiss, it did not giveme butterflies that GOOD first kisses should. I went for lip on lip initial action and he wound up poking his tongue out like a cracked out lizard..I mean it didn't go back in...normally I'll give the benefit of the doubt because I am a great kisser (for those of you that think, wow, a little cocky, if I have kissed you, you know I am not lying, correct? Right :) I'm a passionate lover, thank you.) anywho...like i said normally i'll give the benefit of the doubt and I will begin to secretly train you in the sexiest way possible bc you can't kiss poorly and expect another date...it just can't happen. But I felt like I was in the movie anaconda and that snake was mauling my face. Needless to say this man never got better because I gave him a chance because of his pool and work ethic but he wound up also not being able to do anything remotely good in the bedroom (and I saw this coming due to the poor kissing...what a shame)
The "super-speed tongue" FAIL...listen I know 2012 is a comin, and you're worried, but don't try to fast forward a 10 minute makeout into 13 seconds by rapid firing your slimy tongue in and around my mouth...its like you are trying to play darts with my uvula and its fucking grody.
And then, sometimes you get the best kisses, from awkward individuals that you pin secretly in your mind to be bad kissers, that's always fun.
AND, you get the amazing kissers, from the amazing humans, and that is one of life's greatest aspects...
One in particular, and I doubt they will even know I'm talking about them, was so utterly adorable when he first kissed me. Did the ol' grab the chin softly old school trick (ask any chick, if you go and hold her chin and pull her face in and kiss her soft, bingo. ) and kissed me softly. Right amount of tongue, stopped, and kissed my forehead (again, ask any girl, you kiss her forehead, shes butta!)...CLEARLY this fellar knew what to do and this was not his first rodeo...but it gave me butterflies, because it was such a good kiss...not nausea because I thought his tongue was going to detach and readjust my face...
Kisses are important, but FIRST kisses are serious!
Brush up on your tongue etiquette or one day you will end up on some broad's blog.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
DOUCHEBAG 101
Here are a few tips to completely destroy a good thing with someone you are trying to pursue by being a douchebag.
1- Unnecessary Lying.
There isn't really such thing as a necessary lie if you are an honest person, but the severely unnecessary lies in a new acquaintance is the best. You know, where someone feels the need to lie to look more appealing to you, more dedicated. When in reality these lies neither make nor break the potential relationship. The lies that always come forth eventually. Normally they surface without the liar even knowing that they have been caught..Making them look like a mind-fucking pussy.
*Alternate advice: Be brutally honest. Even if you break hearts, you can still be respected for being loyal, even if it makes you look like a dick.
2- Overcompensation.
The shady overcompensation. If you think your body isn't all that jazz, and are insecure about it, and overcompensate with obnoxious jokes, a awkwardly bold personality, or frosted tips, it's just weird.
Same sense, if you have a nice body, but your personality sucks, please don't spend 99.999% speaking about how good you look. Here is why your personality sucks. You are confused.
*Alternate advice: Be content with who you are. If its not good enough, than the person you are dating doesn't deserve you. Simple. They are probably more insecure in reality anyway.
3- The Fall. Yeah. The fall, you know, the fall off the face of the earth. This usually happens after someone lets their guard down while the other person's original intent was to get close, but once it was readily available, its not that fun anymore. The ignorances arises, leaving unanswered questions. When the person being ignored is a clinger, they are much more vulnerable to become hurt and emotional. These are the people who take the "text and call repeatedly for answers, only looking psychotic in every possible way route." However, if you have a backbone and a keen sense of douchbaggery you can avoid it, and actually cause this to backfire on the shadeball on occasion. If someone put in time and effort to get close to you, and just bounces like a bad check...then so be it. Yes. Simple as that. If you love yourself enough to know that the only game you need to play is in a cardboard box or on a game system disc, and NOT when it comes to another person, you dust that bullshit off your shoulders and move on. 9/10 times the original douchebag comes back, confused and concerned with why you didn't care that they pulled a houdini act. Sometimes they even blame you, and say YOU disappeared. In all reality, this person never wanted you to begin with, or didn't know how good they could've had it...But we all want what we can't have right? Wrong. You can have whatever you want if you put your mind and heart into it and give some effort.
*Alternate advice: Put your big kid pants on and if you want something, put it on the table truthfully, not sugarcoated. And if you are gonna bail, be an adult and say why. If society's members had more closure when it comes to situations in their lives, maybe there would be less homicide, suicide, rapes, mental freak outs, and woopsy-one-night-stand pregnancies. Just sayin.
To be continued.
1- Unnecessary Lying.
There isn't really such thing as a necessary lie if you are an honest person, but the severely unnecessary lies in a new acquaintance is the best. You know, where someone feels the need to lie to look more appealing to you, more dedicated. When in reality these lies neither make nor break the potential relationship. The lies that always come forth eventually. Normally they surface without the liar even knowing that they have been caught..Making them look like a mind-fucking pussy.
*Alternate advice: Be brutally honest. Even if you break hearts, you can still be respected for being loyal, even if it makes you look like a dick.
2- Overcompensation.
The shady overcompensation. If you think your body isn't all that jazz, and are insecure about it, and overcompensate with obnoxious jokes, a awkwardly bold personality, or frosted tips, it's just weird.
Same sense, if you have a nice body, but your personality sucks, please don't spend 99.999% speaking about how good you look. Here is why your personality sucks. You are confused.
*Alternate advice: Be content with who you are. If its not good enough, than the person you are dating doesn't deserve you. Simple. They are probably more insecure in reality anyway.
3- The Fall. Yeah. The fall, you know, the fall off the face of the earth. This usually happens after someone lets their guard down while the other person's original intent was to get close, but once it was readily available, its not that fun anymore. The ignorances arises, leaving unanswered questions. When the person being ignored is a clinger, they are much more vulnerable to become hurt and emotional. These are the people who take the "text and call repeatedly for answers, only looking psychotic in every possible way route." However, if you have a backbone and a keen sense of douchbaggery you can avoid it, and actually cause this to backfire on the shadeball on occasion. If someone put in time and effort to get close to you, and just bounces like a bad check...then so be it. Yes. Simple as that. If you love yourself enough to know that the only game you need to play is in a cardboard box or on a game system disc, and NOT when it comes to another person, you dust that bullshit off your shoulders and move on. 9/10 times the original douchebag comes back, confused and concerned with why you didn't care that they pulled a houdini act. Sometimes they even blame you, and say YOU disappeared. In all reality, this person never wanted you to begin with, or didn't know how good they could've had it...But we all want what we can't have right? Wrong. You can have whatever you want if you put your mind and heart into it and give some effort.
*Alternate advice: Put your big kid pants on and if you want something, put it on the table truthfully, not sugarcoated. And if you are gonna bail, be an adult and say why. If society's members had more closure when it comes to situations in their lives, maybe there would be less homicide, suicide, rapes, mental freak outs, and woopsy-one-night-stand pregnancies. Just sayin.
To be continued.
Back by Popular Demand #2 CRABCAKE BROAD (here Jil)
TRAINWRECKED
Attention Readers:
Slamhoggen - the act of looking for a slamhog.
Attention Readers:
This next story is 100% factual.
Yes, factual, this is REAL life, and I am more than happy that I could be a part of it.
Let me set the scene for you.
This past Sunday evening, at a casual dining establishment where I bartend.
Management holds a bartender's meeting, I leave my post, and take part in the brief conference.
A server takes my spot. A man walks in alone and takes a seat at the bar. He orders a crab cake dinner and a non-alcoholic beverage.
Enters a woman. A "slamhog"-looking woman if you will.
*Side note: for those who are unfamiliar with the term slamhog, or my mother who I KNOW is unfamiliar with this term probably reading this saying "wow Nik, how did you know I don't know what a slamhog is, I have an idea, but well I bet you're gonna tell me now."
Slamhog: (according to the Urban Dictionary) A Slamhog is an extremly ugly and overwheight female that is picked up in a club or Bar.
Usually an easy target, Slamhogs are used as a last resort to having sex that night. Slamhoggen - the act of looking for a slamhog.
Anywho... the trainwreck sits down at the bar. The server who took over for me comes over to our meeting to explain that this Penny-piece (yes, penny-piece, as in NOT a dime-piece) has NO money, that she has announced that her checkbook she brought with her is empty, that she cannot pay for her bloody mary, and puts the server on the phone with a deep-voiced man to help out. This nutty man proceeds to beg the server to not only stop serving this broad, but to keep her there while he drives almost 50 mins to come get her!
*side note...BLOODY MARY!?...clearly she felt bad that her diet only consisted of vodka and that a little lycopene in her system would totally benefit her sad excuse for a life*
Naturally, we cannot hold her hostage at our restaurant, but we can call the police if we thought she was gonna go monster truckin down I-4 shitfacedwastedhammered-drunk. The meeting is over and now I get to return to my bar to witness this abomination take place.
The intoxicated princess has now scooted over to the crab cake eating stranger, a Bill Nye-The Sciene Guy meets Charles Manson kinda guy. This, is where the fun begins.
"Hey, can I get some of that crabcake?" - she asks.
*If you KNOW me, you know that I love this. That I have a way with words that to normal human beings with strong IQs I sound almost rude when speaking to these village idiots...yet, it is just too darn funny to pass up.*
The man begins smiling pedophiliac-ly (google it, could be a word) and pushes the plate towards her, offering an untouched fork. Pffft. She's a classy broad, she goes straight for the used fork in his hand.
She begins caressing his back whilst munching on his dinner. Her phone rings. It is the man that is on his way for her.
"Hello!? WHAT? No! I'm not at the mall. No. Not the mall. I'm here. Yeah. At the place. Not at the mall. Hello? No the place!" -she wallows.
..."fucking Ruby Tuesdays..." I softly announced.
She hands her new amigo her cellular device and says to tell her man how to get to the restaurant. He begins giving the phone-man directions when Miss Slopfest snatches the phone, screams "fuck you I have my own ride" ...hangs up...and before that cell even hits the table she looks at Bill Nye and says with hearts in her blood-shot meth-head eyes "you can take me home right?"...adding an almost nauseatingly fake smile. (at this point her hand is rubbing his upper thigh)
I have never in my life seen a man whip out a credit card to pay a tab so quick. She slurped down her bloody mary, finished the last morsel of his crab cake, got up and hugged him!
"Ooohhhh I'm sooo excited! Where are we going!?"
...Now in my head, I am thinking...Ok. She is clearly a filthy whore. Clearly intoxicated. Broke. And just got a free seafood dinner and cocktail out of this stranger. I know where her mouth was going. That's for damn sure.
The two strangers scamper out the door. Co-workers and myself have a mild giggle...realize she left her sweet checkbook, run it out to her, and begin our closing side work. About 45 seconds after delivering her checkbook, a disgruntled man resembling Indiana Jones, Christopher Walken, and a child predator walks in.
"where is she!? where is my girl!?"....
Me: Goo....She left.
Predator: WHAT? You guys let her leave!? She was drunk she cant drive!
Me:...oooh. She's not driving.
Predator: Yes she is! She has my car.
Co-worker: She was a passenger sir.
Predator: What do you mean!?
Me: (ever so gracefully, with a head tilt to the side and a meer squint) You know, a PASSENGER.
Predator: What the hell!? how could you all let a drunk girl get picked up at a bar!? Where did she go. Who is he!?
Me: He's the man you spoke to on the phone. He said he'd take good care of her
Yup I'm a prick. I know.
He leaves.
Meanwhile, Bill Nye emerges from a vehicle in the dark parking lot with a smile on his face, and the two proceed to leave.
Me: Did she just give him a fucking Ruby Relaxer in the parking lot !?
...She sure did.
The next day the Indiana Jones-er called to see if we found his vehicle in our parking lot that she originally drove there. We sure did. He car was left with both windows down, and the keys in the car. Cool. Smooth moves you hoe.
He was gracious that we held on to the keys for him til he arrived. He apologized for her. And we all had a nice awkward fake giggle about how accidents happen all the time like this....
The end.
Now.
NOW.
All I have to say about this woman, is good for her.
Good for you, you Dirt McGirt whore. It must be invigorating to go from bar to bar in Orange City and end up at a family restaurant, eat a strangers food, order a drink you can't pay for, break the heart of the poor bastard who clearly cares about you, throw a beej in a parking lot, irresponsibly leave a vehicle wide open for grand theft auto, and go home with a stranger who has the potential to skin you and wear your fucking body as a suit and leave your remains at the local dump. Congrats on still carrying a check book, and especially to a bar. You managed to pull a free meal, drink, and ride home only for the simple trade of your dignity, self respect, and your vagina. Fucking pig.
Again I go back to, shit, if this bitch can find love...I'm almost positive I can do.
P.S. the definition of slam hog was copied and pasted from Urbandictionary.com hence why overweight was spelled overwheight. Idiots.
P.S. the definition of slam hog was copied and pasted from Urbandictionary.com hence why overweight was spelled overwheight. Idiots.
Back by Popular Demand #1
Signs that your "date" is a playerrrrr. (Men & Women)
1- Checks their phone every three minutes. If grammy ain't in the hospital, well then someone wants some smush smush on the other end of that line.
*Possibility: They are messaging their best friend about how a) hott you are. b) how they wanna bag you like a grocery. c) how awful the date it. d) whos winning the big game. e) how you aren't hot, but they'd tap it anyway.
2- They DON'T have a Facebook because they say "it causes drama"...Yes, fbook absolutely causes drama...but if it caused so much previously that you deleted it...well then, you clearly are dropping your wick in one too many candles my friend. Or, if they have a facebook, but refuse to add you. What you don't see, you can't believe correct? Some people really just don't like facebook and I respect that. But if there is a shady excuse...then that's another story. Hell. I don't even like adding dudes I talk to at first, because who knows if they go nutty bonkers once they see my page. (Case in point: met a guy in florida who seemed normal...he grabbed hold of my fbook and asked me who every single guy in my default pictures was....UMMMM. what? A. My ex is in my pics and he is frigen beautiful, so if you wanna hate on how he looks thats one thing, but to think that a picture over a year old is something you can grill me about when I don't even know your ass? You must be twisted. B. My guy friends are attractive gentlemen, like it or leave it broski.) *A more than acceptable excuse for not having a page, is law enforcement or a job restriction.
3- They kiss you within the first hour of the date...If you haven't been out with this guy or girl for more than an hour and they are already checking the back of your throat with their tongue...imagine where that tongue wants to be in 3 hours, hott damn. The first hour should be feeling each other out, not feeling each other up.
*Possibility: You just met the person of your dreams and the passion is so intense you go for the gold....(highly unlikely, ya floozy)
4- You go from talking all day everyday to few and far between convos. This is a sign that this person has lost interest, met someone else, is a closet shitbag, or they have commitment issues and would rather get it in, meet someone else, do it all over again, and back out slowly causing a cycle of attention into romance into awkward avoidance of commitment into shadester peace out into next victim. I am guilty of having done this to poor innocent men, therefore, I can call em before I see em. I however, would be honest about not wanting commitment and would deal with them being mad about my honesty. That was when I thought relationships were the devil due to years of toxic men that I gave everything to...But, you live. You learn.
5- They try to sleep with you the first night. The end.
*If you go for it, and they try raw-doggin you, clearly not their first rodeo...*
Now, if you aren't on a date, just a casual rendez-vous...then naturally this doesn't apply to you, because clearly both parties are mutually just as guilty of playing the opposite sex.
6- You call, get no answer, but a quick reply with a text right after. Ahhh the old ignore n text game. It is self explanatory.
This is all for now.
Good Luck Suckers.
1- Checks their phone every three minutes. If grammy ain't in the hospital, well then someone wants some smush smush on the other end of that line.
*Possibility: They are messaging their best friend about how a) hott you are. b) how they wanna bag you like a grocery. c) how awful the date it. d) whos winning the big game. e) how you aren't hot, but they'd tap it anyway.
2- They DON'T have a Facebook because they say "it causes drama"...Yes, fbook absolutely causes drama...but if it caused so much previously that you deleted it...well then, you clearly are dropping your wick in one too many candles my friend. Or, if they have a facebook, but refuse to add you. What you don't see, you can't believe correct? Some people really just don't like facebook and I respect that. But if there is a shady excuse...then that's another story. Hell. I don't even like adding dudes I talk to at first, because who knows if they go nutty bonkers once they see my page. (Case in point: met a guy in florida who seemed normal...he grabbed hold of my fbook and asked me who every single guy in my default pictures was....UMMMM. what? A. My ex is in my pics and he is frigen beautiful, so if you wanna hate on how he looks thats one thing, but to think that a picture over a year old is something you can grill me about when I don't even know your ass? You must be twisted. B. My guy friends are attractive gentlemen, like it or leave it broski.) *A more than acceptable excuse for not having a page, is law enforcement or a job restriction.
3- They kiss you within the first hour of the date...If you haven't been out with this guy or girl for more than an hour and they are already checking the back of your throat with their tongue...imagine where that tongue wants to be in 3 hours, hott damn. The first hour should be feeling each other out, not feeling each other up.
*Possibility: You just met the person of your dreams and the passion is so intense you go for the gold....(highly unlikely, ya floozy)
4- You go from talking all day everyday to few and far between convos. This is a sign that this person has lost interest, met someone else, is a closet shitbag, or they have commitment issues and would rather get it in, meet someone else, do it all over again, and back out slowly causing a cycle of attention into romance into awkward avoidance of commitment into shadester peace out into next victim. I am guilty of having done this to poor innocent men, therefore, I can call em before I see em. I however, would be honest about not wanting commitment and would deal with them being mad about my honesty. That was when I thought relationships were the devil due to years of toxic men that I gave everything to...But, you live. You learn.
5- They try to sleep with you the first night. The end.
*If you go for it, and they try raw-doggin you, clearly not their first rodeo...*
Now, if you aren't on a date, just a casual rendez-vous...then naturally this doesn't apply to you, because clearly both parties are mutually just as guilty of playing the opposite sex.
6- You call, get no answer, but a quick reply with a text right after. Ahhh the old ignore n text game. It is self explanatory.
This is all for now.
Good Luck Suckers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)